To move near family or stay put

@beckboop13 i think this is a dilemma many of us struggle with. I am 72, husband is 74. We bought a vacation home to be closer to our daughter who had our first grandchild. She lives about 2 hours from that home. Our plan was to sell the home we live in now and retire to that area. Well fast forward12 years, my son who was living abroad back then moved to the town we are currently in with one child. He ans his wife have 3 children now and we attend school and sports activities and see them at least once a week. My other son is divorced and lives about 9 hours from our primary home. My husband still wants to sell our house here and rent an apartment He is tired of maintenance and upkeep on two homes. I would prefer to sell the vacation house because if i am alone i prefer to stay in my current town. Sorry to ramble on. It is a difficult decision, i wish you success in choosing the best option for you and your husband.

It's a hard decision for sure, BUT here is another perspective. I live in Maryland and met Joanne (about age 80) who had polio as a child, and was living in an assisted living center near me, about 400 yards. I often visit friends there. Joanne was a savvy professional, lived in her own home, husband died, and has 3 kids. Joanne died at about age 93.

She was often lonely for her kids, but her kids and herself it seems decided to move her into the center where she died. She had one daughter in MD, but about 45 minutes away, one daughter in NC and a son in TX, they all were raised in MD but moved away.

Joanne told me that she told them she did NOT want to leave her friends, etc..social life where she always lived. Her daughter in NC tried hard to get their mom to move to NC many years before Joanne really needed them or was unable to assert for her own needs. I watched the daughter in MD, a nurse, struggle to travel to check on her mother. In the latter years, when one is so old, if there is not a squeaky advocate, there is often neglect.

True, decade ago before Joanne died, her kids were busy with their kids lives, but soon enough, her grandkids were grown, and her own kids DID have time to visit more, BUT they were too far away, AND Joanne was in too bad of a physical state to be moved, HOWEVER, she was very mentally aware.

If Joanne had been closer to her own adult kids in the last 10 years or so when she was completely UNABLE to even leave her room, I think she would have been a lot happier with more visits for sure from her adult kids. All the social stuff she did not want to leave, was gone for her long long years ago before she died, then she was just left with total apathetic at times, over-worked strangers who cared for her during their shift, often not even looking at her as they did their duties..no one family to see her daily.

My kids are both in other states, I am 58, AND I have a great social life, but I know that will all likely dwindle in a few short decades, so I intend to move closer to my kids in my early 70s, when I am still able to meet new friends, and be closer to family so it is easier on them to help me.

I had a wake-up call when my younger sister died two months ago at age 70. I was on a trip home for the first time in 7 years. Gone so long due to covid and 4 major joint replacement surgeries. I realized on returning home just how very isolated I have been. Having been isolated for that period of time, my social life has greatly diminished. I miss my family. I do not have children and live by myself in a senior building. I still drive and with new knees and hips can get along pretty good. So my question to myself is do I stay in my present home where I've lived for almost 37 years or return home where I still have family and a couple of really good friends. I know from moving back in the past (2006-2010) that true enough not all of my siblings took time to visit with me, but I want to spend what time I can with those who do make the time. Mostly my older brother and sister-in-law and youngest sister. I turn 75 next month so I need to figure out where I want to be at 80, then 85, then 90.

I had a wake-up call when my younger sister died two months ago at age 70. I was on a trip home for the first time in 7 years. Gone so long due to covid and 4 major joint replacement surgeries. I realized on returning home just how very isolated I have been. Having been isolated for that period of time, my social life has greatly diminished. I miss my family. I do not have children and live by myself in a senior building. I still drive and with new knees and hips can get along pretty good. So my question to myself is do I stay in my present home where I've lived for almost 37 years or return home where I still have family and a couple of really good friends. I know from moving back in the past (2006-2010) that true enough not all of my siblings took time to visit with me, but I want to spend what time I can with those who do make the time. Mostly my older brother and sister-in-law and youngest sister. I turn 75 next month so I need to figure out where I want to be at 80, then 85, then 90.

I had a wake-up call when my younger sister died two months ago at age 70. I was on a trip home for the first time in 7 years. Gone so long due to covid and 4 major joint replacement surgeries. I realized on returning home just how very isolated I have been. Having been isolated for that period of time, my social life has greatly diminished. I miss my family. I do not have children and live by myself in a senior building. I still drive and with new knees and hips can get along pretty good. So my question to myself is do I stay in my present home where I've lived for almost 37 years or return home where I still have family and a couple of really good friends. I know from moving back in the past (2006-2010) that true enough not all of my siblings took time to visit with me, but I want to spend what time I can with those who do make the time. Mostly my older brother and sister-in-law and youngest sister. I turn 75 next month so I need to figure out where I want to be at 80, then 85, then 90.

I had a wake-up call when my younger sister died two months ago at age 70. I was on a trip home for the first time in 7 years. Gone so long due to covid and 4 major joint replacement surgeries. I realized on returning home just how very isolated I have been. Having been isolated for that period of time, my social life has greatly diminished. I miss my family. I do not have children and live by myself in a senior building. I still drive and with new knees and hips can get along pretty good. So my question to myself is do I stay in my present home where I've lived for almost 37 years or return home where I still have family and a couple of really good friends. I know from moving back in the past (2006-2010) that true enough not all of my siblings took time to visit with me, but I want to spend what time I can with those who do make the time. Mostly my older brother and sister-in-law and youngest sister. I turn 75 next month so I need to figure out where I want to be at 80, then 85, then 90.

I’m in a similar situation. Basically, I think you need to go with your gut feeling. Doing that has always served me well.

I've done both. There is a time for someone to lived isolated from family. When family members do not respect our privacy and needs. When their behavior is more what an enemy does, separating us from long cherished friends, things like that.

And then, when we are confident of being able to deal with them without losing it and cherish loved ones and/or those old friends. To be able to see those we love, in person. To be there for them, when they need on the ground help. It's not just for us to move close to them.

In the end, what do I (we) want our last days to be like. My mother, when she died, knew for 4-5 months she was terminal, with liver cancer that had metastasized from a primary source. Now, even though liver cancer is notorious for bad pain, her's just disappeared her last weeks. She was able to stay at home. There was enough time for all her children and siblings, church people, and beloved friends to get to visit her, one or two at a time. Then, she took a nap one day, and never woke up. That's was it.

I honestly can't think of a better way to go. Yet, if you have no children, those siblings of yours and old friends must be all the more precious. It's not all what is best for you, what is best for them, too. I think I would move back, in fact, after 15 years isolated except for one child, I did. Six years later, the blessings are still unfolding to me (and to my child who is now an adult).