I am also in this situation of caregiving for my mom with newly diagnosed moderate dementia. So hard to see such a quick change from a totally independent active woman to needing to call me 8 or 9 times in a day to confirm how to use her washer/dryer, how to check her phone for messages, what appointments she has coming up, etc. After a day with her, I feel quite drained and just need downtime to regroup.

Hello @kdo0827 You are in! Welcome to Mayo Connect and the caregivers discussion group! I am Scott and I was my wife’s full time caregiver for 14 years as well as a caregiver for my MIL who fought dementia.

This group is a great one made up of listeners, supporters, and helpers! I have found lots of useful tips and ideas for caregivers here!

I understand your feelings of frustration. Caregiving is an arduous journey and can be very isolating and challenging. I struggled with my wife’s anger often plus she was incredibly repetitive in her words and actions. I have no magic suggestions, but her neurologist helped me by explaining oftentimes patients lash out at the person they feel safest with — so that frequently is their loved ones and caregivers. In my case I kept an old pillow on my sofa, which I often used as a late night punching bag when my frustration overtook me.

How can we help most?

Strength, courage, and peace

Hi @kdo0827 and @kathymcl - I'm going to echo what @IndianaScott said - it takes all the love and patience you have and sometimes even that is not enough to keep you from seriously considering a name change! (LOL... Scott you made me laugh.) It is sometimes just heartbreaking to have to face the losses - like not knowing how to get phone messages, not remembering the way to the mall, etc. My husband was an engineer and seriously, at this point, I'm the one who has to figure out how to change the bulb in the refrigerator when it burns out! But for what its worth, someone once told me that no matter how much a person forgets - words, directions, faces, names - they always remember what it feels like to feel loved. I try to keep that in mind and act in a loving way whenever it's possible. Not that I hit that goal consistently, but I try. For me, sometimes a touch is easier and more effective than words - just a pat on the back, a squeeze of the hand, a shoulder rub... @kdo0827 - Is there anything particular your mom seems to focus her anger on? Or is it general? Sometimes, if I can identify the stimulus, I can either remove it or redirect my husband... Best wishes to both of you!

@kdo0827 @kathymcl, I'd like to add my welcome and am glad you've joined the Caregivers group. In addition to the help you've already received from fellow caregiving travelers, I'd like to offer a list of additional discussions you may wish to explore and add to:

- Dementia Anger Issues - bathing https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/dementia-anger-issues-bathing/
- Alzheimer's and Incontinence https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/alzheimers-and-incontinence/
- To paraphrase Lady Macbeth: "Out, out damn guilt!" https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/to-paraphrase-lady-macbeth-out-out-damn-guilt/
- Caregiving and Reality https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/caregiving-and-reality/
- Ambiguous Loss https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/ambiguous-loss/
- Alzheimer's and DNR https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/alzheimers-and-dnr/
- Sweating at night https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/sweating-at-night/
- Dealing with anxiety/guilt over spouse in LTC with Dementia https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/dealing-with-anxiety-guilt-over-spouse-in-ltc-with-dementia/
- Phone Scam Worries https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/phone-scam-worries/
- When the Caregiver Needs Care https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/when-the-caregiver-needs-care/
- Activities when abilities are limited? https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/activities/
- Call Button Type Devices https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/call-button-type-devices/
- Always calling out for help while in bed https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/always-calling-out-for-help-while-in-bed/
- Dealing with dementia and sleep apnea machine https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/dealing-with-dementia/
- Outside help https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/outside-help/
- Memory care https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/memory-care-1/

The list is ridiculously long, but I thought it might be helpful see all the dementia discussions in one place. You can bookmark this message by clicking the bookmark symbol beside the heart below the message. You can find your bookmarked messages in your profile for future reference. You never know when you might want to refer back to one of these discussions or post a new question as you encounter a new situation and learn from someone who has been there.