Will I ever not hate myself?

I have just finished reading all the posts and this definitely resonates with me. I had a bad mother. She always liked to humiliate and shame me in front of other people and, of course, always told me how stupid, ugly, and horrible I was and that I would be a "lonewolf." This has made me feel other and different. It has also reinforced the fact that I feel no good; that I am bad and must be punished. Not good feelings. I did manage to get away from her and began to lead a more normal life. Married, had children, held down a good job, etc. Now I am a widow and very old. Next month I will be 90. How many more years I have left is unknown. But still many of those negative feelings remain. I live alone and am lonely. Am not a joiner and have very few friends. But at this point it is what it is. I have had some grief therapy and my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD due to child abuse. At my age I wonder if it any use to continue.

Feel the same way. I hate myself have never gotten help or talked to anyone about it. Saying it on here is the very first time to anyone else I'm sure though ppl can tell as I am so very very hard on myself. I just live a life of unhappy and sad. My fake is gone. Some day it will be over.

thisismarylinb,
👍‼️🥇🥇🥇‼️ You deserve to be 👑 crowned as a queen and hero. You DID IT GIRL 🥰 Did your children bless you with grandchildren? I have always liked the saying, " if I had known how wonderful grandchildren are, I would have just skipped the children part ". I hope your children have shown you all the love that you have shown them.
🤪 Since you are just an old lady, living alone, you should just go ahead and keep the negative feelings on the top of your list of priorities to think about. 😱😡😭ABSOLUTELY SO VERY NOT TRUE ‼️‼️‼️ You deserve to be, do, go, enjoy all that brings YOU 🥰🥰🥰 all great joy and happiness and peace. If you're privileged enough to have enough money, to spend your children's inheritance, then go for it. I listened to a meditation on how to help others feel better. It suggested that "sending virtual vibes " can actually be felt by the recipient, if they focus on feeling them. I live out of a small town, so not much light pollution... tonight, as soon as it is dark, I hereby promise, that I will go outside and find the brightest 🌟🌟and I will be thinking of you and all that you have achieved and accomplished in your life journey, I will try to keep a big smile on my face, for you...but I just had dental surgery, so the outside smile might be smaller, but the inside smile will be bigger 😃🥰😃🥰and I will think hard about you, all the super wishes for you. You may think I am joking, but I am not, I will be outside looking up, all for YOU ‼️
I know we are all supposed to practice what we preach, I'm not so good at it, but right now it's not about me, it's ALL ABOUT YOU and how fantastically you survived with your wit and your strength. I 🙇‍♀️ bow to you and your strength.
Remember, 🌟🌟ShelleyW

The way i look at your two posts is there is a You1 that says things like, "I live alone and am lonely" and therefore does Not want to be "lonely" but it has nothing to do with being a "joiner" as loneliness can be felt even when you are in a party, in a family with children and spouse, or even with colleagues acquaintances or neighbors. Why? Because in loneliness we crave another person(s) who you can share with what matters to YOU most. Such a person is called FRIEND. It is friend(s) our souls pine for when we are by ourselves, not for helpless children, siblings, or spouses. Now it can happen a friend you may find within such relationships, but that is rather unusual.

Reading your posts it also looks your are looking for friend-like assurances in familial relationships: chatting with one child half the world away.
But it also seem that out of anger you dwell in finding how to 'punish' those who do not provide you with Your Need. So let's say this child said, "I am glad I did 't have to even see Any Money from granny." That will turn Your intention to punish futile, right?

So I'll ask You2, the one that is looking at everything this You1 is doing, with a caring look and tells you: Look dear, you can never control others (yes, slave owner can but even they don't control slave's Thoughts).

But people gravitate towards those whom they find MUTUALLY attracted to, be it just in one area in life or many. That is a friend, you get-and-give with this person. This is the relationship people have with their pets. When I slide my palm over my cat's smooth furry back it straightens to 'tell' me, 'I like it. too"

Daily I spend time to find such people in my life; no luck yet. But I've a few times each week to go new places to seek them out.
We can least afford to waste time on what won't bring us closer to our human need for human connections, whether 90 or 9. I wish you luck, you wish me luck.

Thank you so much for your wonderful reply. It is almost 10:00 P.M. so I am going around the house closing everything up and making sure nothing is left unlocked. Then I will tuck myself into bed with a book.
In answer to your question, yes, I have grandchildren, but I am not close to them. My youngest son has basically kicked me out of the family. His wife thinks I am judgmental and does not want me to visit them anymore. I guess he does not have the spine to tell her anything, but he was willing to tell me. I had to wait to bury my husband because of Covid. So it was over a year after his death before I could make arrangements. They all came for the funeral but they treated me coldly. My granddaughter would not even come over to me to say she was sorry about her Grandad's death. I was not allowed to attend her wedding. I was told I was not welcome. Maybe she is mad about that. I don't know and I don't know if she was ever told the trust about why I didn't attend. So I have arranged to have him removed as my trustee. I did my research and found a fiduciary trustee. I made an appointment to interview her and was pleased. I also had my attorney (former boss for whom I worked for 23 years) made an amendment to the trust that everything over which I had control went to my older son and his wife. It they want to play hardball I figured I would get some shots in myself. So basically I am really alone. I skype with older son every week. He lives in Asia which is why he is not the alternate trustee. His wife treats me with respect and calls me Mom. I am not good with people. I do have one or two friends, but that's it. I had more, but I have outlived them. I read a report from Cleveland Clinic that if people reach their 90's, they don't live too much longer. That is because their cells stop splitting. When that happens you die. But that's okay. I really do not want to be here without my husband.

Did you feel the vibes🌟🌟I sent you? ShelleyW

The way i look at your two posts is there is a You1 that says things like, "I live alone and am lonely" and therefore does Not want to be "lonely" but it has nothing to do with being a "joiner" as loneliness can be felt even when you are in a party, in a family with children and spouse, or even with colleagues acquaintances or neighbors. Why? Because in loneliness we crave another person(s) who you can share with what matters to YOU most. Such a person is called FRIEND. It is friend(s) our souls pine for when we are by ourselves, not for helpless children, siblings, or spouses. Now it can happen a friend you may find within such relationships, but that is rather unusual.

Reading your posts it also looks your are looking for friend-like assurances in familial relationships: chatting with one child half the world away.
But it also seem that out of anger you dwell in finding how to 'punish' those who do not provide you with Your Need. So let's say this child said, "I am glad I did 't have to even see Any Money from granny." That will turn Your intention to punish futile, right?

So I'll ask You2, the one that is looking at everything this You1 is doing, with a caring look and tells you: Look dear, you can never control others (yes, slave owner can but even they don't control slave's Thoughts).

But people gravitate towards those whom they find MUTUALLY attracted to, be it just in one area in life or many. That is a friend, you get-and-give with this person. This is the relationship people have with their pets. When I slide my palm over my cat's smooth furry back it straightens to 'tell' me, 'I like it. too"

Daily I spend time to find such people in my life; no luck yet. But I've a few times each week to go new places to seek them out.
We can least afford to waste time on what won't bring us closer to our human need for human connections, whether 90 or 9. I wish you luck, you wish me luck.

I have just finished reading all the posts and this definitely resonates with me. I had a bad mother. She always liked to humiliate and shame me in front of other people and, of course, always told me how stupid, ugly, and horrible I was and that I would be a "lonewolf." This has made me feel other and different. It has also reinforced the fact that I feel no good; that I am bad and must be punished. Not good feelings. I did manage to get away from her and began to lead a more normal life. Married, had children, held down a good job, etc. Now I am a widow and very old. Next month I will be 90. How many more years I have left is unknown. But still many of those negative feelings remain. I live alone and am lonely. Am not a joiner and have very few friends. But at this point it is what it is. I have had some grief therapy and my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD due to child abuse. At my age I wonder if it any use to continue.