No more Driving

@johnna16 I had difficulty convincing my husband that he couldn't drive anymore. The day we got the diagnosis of dementia (ftd) caused by alzheimers, his doctor said he should stop driving. I was pretty much doing all the driving by this time anyway because of his memory issues and i was relieved that i wouldn't be the bad guy by telling him this, but it didn't really register with him for SEVERAL months. When we go out he would ask if he could drive or say " i KNOW how to drive!" I would go along with him and agree that yes, he did know how to drive and then immediately follow it with " but i like driving you around. I'm your chauffeur, so just sit back, relax and enjoy. This way you don't have to concentrate on anything and you can just look out the window and people watch, watch things moving around, etc" After MANY MANY times of having this conversation, the conversations stopped and he no longer asks about driving.
I know that everyone's situation is different and I hope you find what works for you with the driving.
Take care, hugs and prayers

My husband’s Anosognosia made this an ongoing issue - even to this day, about 3 years later. I finally had to have him removed from the insurance policy & didn’t renew the registration on any of the vehicles except my car, which he had never driven. Little by little I’ve sold “the fleet” or stored vehicles off-site. Still - out of the blue - he’ll talk about driving. The worst is when he wants to but a semi & be a long haul driver 😜.

I appreciate all of the comments on the subject. Driving is obviously one of the more difficult issues faced by many caregivers. My wife seems to bring it up less often, but occasionally it still becomes the topic of the day.
On those days, she doesn't like me very much. No fun, but I think we're slowly working through it.

We have very good friends who we face time with for support. He is a retired ophthalmologist and his wife is the one with a form of dementia. When my husband brought up that he could no longer drive and his disappointment about it, they told a story. A patient came in with his daughter. The daughter wanted our friend to tell her Dad he could no longer drive. The only place he would drive was to have breakfast in the early morning with his buddies just 10 minutes from the house. One morning, on the way, he hit two garbage cans and kept driving. While at breakfast the police came into the diner. He said, " What's up? I just hit a couple garbage cans." They said, "No, those were not garbage cans, those were children." Anything can happen anytime to any one of us, but better to be safe than sorry. My husband now tells this story after he says his keys were taken away, so it did have an impact. Nevertheless, he does still feel bad about it and probably will for awhile.

I thought I should share some information I have received regarding driving with MCI. My husband’s diagnosis is MCI due to Lewy Body disease. He functions well with his current medication regime and exercise.

One of the effects of his MCI is some visual/spatial impairment, which was confirmed in changes in the last several PET scans. I asked our neurologist if he should be driving. His response was, “As little as possible”.

So, I called our auto insurance agent, told her my husband has a diagnosis of MCI due to Lewy Bodies. I asked her if he would still be covered under our insurance. She said, “Yes, absolutely. No problem”.

I asked my husband’s PCP for a referral for a driving evaluation. We are on a months’-long waiting list.

Then, I called our lawyer. She is an elder law attorney, so is familiar with age-related issues. I asked her if my husband’s MCI diagnosis poses a potential legal risk for driving. She said it certainly does. If he were involved in an accident it would certainly be brought out in court, even if he were clearly not at fault. No way to avoid it. Passing a driving evaluation is fine, but it would not remove the concrete diagnosis—and legal vulnerability—of MCI due to Lewy Body disease.

We all know people who are still driving and should not be, people who do not have an MCI or dementia diagnosis. But those who do have such a diagnosis, even though they have been driving without incident, are at unequivocal legal risk and exposure. And this doesn’t even address the terrible potential of real harm to someone.

So, I have become the sole driver. I have never liked driving. My husband cooperates in this change, especially following our talk with the attorney.

I share this as food for thought for others in similar circumstances.

I was really surprised by the comments re driving. Maybe it is different in other states, but in the state of CA, the neurologist must pull the driver's license. He told us that the diagnosis of ALZ is an automatic loss of license to drive. He was obligated to notify the DMV. There was no family discussion, no discussing it with the patient..it was a shock to both my husband and me. I loathe driving, but I had to start on the way home from the doctor's office. I was also surprised at how little blow back there was from my husband. He had been trying to start the car and open the doors with a key like the old cars but, I didn't find his actual driving troublesome. We have both adjusted to the new normal. For those spouses who are just beginning this journey, start sharing the driving now to avoid the abrupt change in roles later on.

Good advice!
Yes, California is one of the very, very few states that requires physicians to address cognitive impairment with respect to driving, and perhaps the only state that cancels driving privileges so readily. Most of the rest of us have to figure it out ourselves, which is why I consulted the insurance carrier and an attorney. Sigh.

I have written lots about our story with driving on this Connect. We now only have one car- my Prius. The garage is half empty. My husband has replaced his license with a govt ID and I am the only insured driver. It was tough on him and me. I hired a woman who come twice a week and drives him wherever he wants to go- usually the gym, haircuts, errands. She also works with him on brain games and in between does some housekeeping.
He passed his driving test in 2023. We repeated it after a ding in the parking lot picking up pizza. He was driving ok but did not handle the whole process of an accident w the person he barely hit and the police. He also did not call me. That was one of my fears.
In 2023 I prayed he would pass. In 2024 I prayed he would fail the test.
My granddaughters turn 16 in Sept and are getting their license. An exciting part of life and our identity.
This is a tough one on this MCI journey.

My husband has MCI. I noticed that his driving was getting worse, like driving with an inexperienced teen driver. I knew the day would come that he'd need to stop driving, and I feared it would be because he'd gotten so bad, and that's what happened, a near miss at freeway speed with another driver. And, he still wanted to drive after that; yelling argument ensued and I stood my ground, telling him he could no longer drive because his brain was giving him incorrect information. Now he's a front seat driver and it infuriates me, because he's telling me how to drive and commenting on every move I make. I ask him to stop, because an upset driver is a worse driver.

I think my husband had an easier transition to losing his driving license because the edict came from the doctor, not me. It was a Band-Aid ripped off with no forewarning which, in retrospect, made it easier. I wish I had done equal driving with him all through our 57 years together. Taking on our finances, driving, selling , buying, moving, renovating. It is overwhelming. I wish I had chipped away at it all a long time ago; shared more overseeing of the household. Young couples today seem to be doing that naturally. Old school people like me had the "boy" and "girl" jobs at home and now I'm struggling with the practical running of a household besides dealing with a spouse afflicted with ALZ. Quite the challenge, but it appears that I've landed on my feet, so I can keep going. Get your ducks in a row now before you are forced by circumstances to take over.