Cancer destroying what's left of our marriage and life

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Hello @bigmuttlover1 .
So sorry you're going thru this. I'm not living the "nightmare" and I'm not an expert at these kinds of situations. You are obviously in a very stressful situation with safety concerns as well. I do recall these types of behavior when I still worked in the hospital. (Resp. Care). To get control of the "out of control" patient, medication that would target the negative behavior would bring back the continuity of care and safety. sometimes Psych services would get involved. Not sure if these are viable options for you.
Remember that you're doing the best you can under extreme circumstances. Having others as extra help would go a long way. Hoping and praying things change soon for you.
Ernie

Cancer and chemo treatments can cause irritability as a side effect. I understand what you are going through. I can say, me too. My wife gets angry much easier when her blood pressure is high and/or when she is in pain. It kicks in about the 3d or 4th day after chemo and lasts longer each treatment. After the fourth treatment, it lasted for about 2 weeks. I know she does not mean what she is saying, and I try to control my temper. Once she has ranted, then reason slowly starts coming back. After we went to the Cardiology physician and he prescribed more blood pressure medicine, it helped. She monitors her blood pressures twice a day. We bought a blood pressure device. She sends the results to her cardiologist monthly. He will test her heart next week for heart beat regularity , because that's another possible side effect of the chemo-therapy.

@bigmuttlover1 I am so sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. It must be SO difficult for you! When I worked on an oncology unit at our hospital, we saw this frequently. When coming out of surgery, reality hits and everything comes crashing in on them. All of this causes lots of fright and insecurity. This comes out to others as anger and misbehavior. The patient is frightened of what is to come. What might really help is to find a therapist who can listen to both of you and help you work out a solution. I haven’t been in this situation myself (except as a nurse) so I don’t have the same good ideas that other members might have. We’re all with you!

Aww…yes me too. My relationship has tanked too. Trying to make the best of it. Went back to work to distract me😩

I can offer you a small glimmer of hope:. My husband has lived almost four years since his initial diagnosis. I have experienced all you have described and worse.
Fortunately, at some point, he has returned to some semblance of his old self. He is not all the way back, and he is still quite thin and weak, but his nastiness has significantly decreased. For some reason, he could always be civil to other people but would totally unleash on me. I expect that your husband, too, will improve significantly if he is blessed with the chance to live longer.

My dear. You are doing the best you can as a caregiver and spouse. Thank you for sharing here, I hope it helps. Your feelings are real and my heart is aching for you.
My husband was treated for lymphoma ten years ago. We had a beautiful remission. But the chemo caused another very serious cancer, and now he must have a donor stem cell transplant. He just started the “conditioning chemo” to clear out his own bone marrow. Our lives have changed dramatically and will continue to do so.
Unlike your spouse, my husband has always had the most beautiful patient disposition. In the most difficult circumstances.
I encourage you to keep reaching out and maintain friendships to sustain you through this time. I have met wonderful people here through Mayo connect and also peer to peer mentoring through other cancer support organizations.
No doubt your husband is discouraged and bitter. I hope he can find some joy in the time he has left. You are doing all you can.
You are in my thoughts.

I am so sorry about your situation @bigmuttlover1. Both my husband and I have cancer. He was a wonderful caregiver for the 9 years I alone was fighting. Since his diagnosis in 2019, I have been caregiver and have been dealing with the moodiness and aggressive verbal abuse with increasing frequency. He has seen me through some negative times but I don't ever remember turning on him like he does to me. To watch him be his old friendly and sociable self with his nurses, only to have him snap at me is so hurtful. I realize his ability to cover up his feelings and discomfort for others is hard, but to release it on the one who loves you is unfair. You are in that same situation. What has helped in our family has been both of our sons observing his harsh tone of voice and comments and immediately calling him out on it. I think it opened his eyes a bit on how he sounds and made him think. Now I will do the same with his outbursts and tell him to speak to me politely like he does to the people at work. I want him to have his thyroid checked again, as it has been hard to control since wiped out by Keytruda. Both under and overactive thyroid issues can show irritability.
Your husband needs more help because his precancer personality is allowing him to slip into this depression and negative outlook. You can't change that. Even family intervention would likely not be enough. There are therapists who just deal with cancer patients. Perhaps a referral from his oncologist would encourage him to go. I firmly believe that our attitude as we battle cancer has an effect on the outcome. Discussing that with him might start to open his mind to some psychological therapy. Perhaps taking the dog and leaving over night would open his eyes?
I hope you can fill your time with nature and your loving canine companion to keep your positive outlook. It is so hard for us optimists to understand what makes up a negative mindset, much less try to live with it each day. Keep in touch with us on Connect. We are here to support you.

Update. He is no longer living here. He is in psyche hold until "further eval", then off to jail. Two felonies and one misdemeanor. I am filing for divorce Monday.

he tried to kill my dog Monday night. All caught on camera. Then, loaded gun, threats. Swat showed up and took him. He will be in the infirmary. I filed an EPO the next day. Dog recovery in Vet office, Vet gave statement. Could post more but, I am SAFE, the nightmare is over. years upon years of abuse came to an explosive end, and I am safe. My dog is lucky to be alive!

His fate is no longer my concern. The things that have happened over the years cannot be forgiven. What happened this week, cannot forgive. I'm moving on and I have safety measures (lots of them) in place.

@bigmuttlover1 Oh,my, what a terrible ending after all of your hard work! At least, he is no longer your problem. I am so sorry! But you are right in staying away. You need to be safe