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He starts therapy monday. Hopefully he goes.. Hes on a new med now too.. So we will seee... And i also made an appt to see my therapist,... Thank u for asking... ❤

@IndianaScott , what a thoughtful question! I saw this last night and spent some time thinking about it because it really helped me clarify the situation. I think we have three big challenges at the moment:

1) Staying positive while living with someone who is very negative. My mother-in-law has always been a negative person but she's also not handling the aging process well, and the constant complaining takes a toll.

2) Controlling our reactions when they do things that don't make sense and damage our home or cause safety concerns. This has been a frequent problem since they moved in, such as storing flammable foodstuffs on the stove.

3) Related to the first item, managing her expectations about independence, driving, needing help, etc. She has always been a very independent person (which I can respect, being one myself). However, she refuses help and continues to insist that she should be allowed to drive, go places by herself, etc., when her heath care team (OT, PT, etc.) is very clear that she cannot do this safely and probably never will again. When she doesn't get her way, she will shout, throw things and generally be difficult to manage. I think we're in a transition stage about this, where eventually (hopefully) she will accept that she can no longer do those things but right now it's like living with a teenager railing against authority, except that she also has issues with disinhibition and anger management thanks to the brain issues.

Thanks again for asking such a thoughtful question.

I appreciate your concerns but fundamentally, I'm okay, just stressed and a bit overwhelmed. I have considered returning to therapy but honestly I am not sure that it would be that big a benefit and it adds another weekly commitment that I don't have time or energy for right now. I spent years in therapy addressing child trauma / PTSD issues and at this point, I have good coping skills and a strong network of people that I can reach out to when I need support. Thanks again for your concerns and I hope that your counseling relationship continues to bring benefit to you.

He just punched me in my jaw... I cant call the police.. He wanted his car keys... Things are getting worse around here... No one is listening... It seems...

Hi @coloradogirl You present some very challenging issues for caregivers for sure!

Again all the following is based on my experiences and I know everyone is different.

Managing my wife's expectations was always a challenge. This was true right up until she passed away. She was always sure (I interpreted this as 'wanting desperately') to do the things she used to be able to do. I did take to telling her only 'honey, we cannot do that right now'. Don't know how often I repeated that, but it was in the thousands I bet! Luckily, unlike your MIL, she was never violent about them. Being violent was the straw that broke the camel's back with my daughter-in-law's dad. They decided for their own safety they had no choice but to place him in a home.

Controlling our emotions is always difficult and I know more than once my emotions got the best of me and I lashed out. Wish I hadn't, but we are only human. I found it especially difficult when my wife wanted something immediately and some other demand was also just as forceful. Rock and a hard spot kind of thing. I counted to 10 over and over often --- and kept an old pillow on the sofa in the living room, which I often used as a punching bag and crying pillow when things got super tough.

Keeping a positive mental attitude went hand-in-hand with my ability to control or not control my emotions. When my emotions ran amok it was super tough to keep my PMA. One thing I did was give myself permission to be down some days. I used the excuse to my wife that I was 'just extra tired' so she wouldn't think I was down due to her or the demands of caregiving. Don't know if that actually worked or not, but it often got us through those days when I felt like I was Joe Btfsplk from Li'l Abner (yep, I'm that old).

Speaking of old comic strips I believe it's important to also remember that caregivers aren't Shmoos either! We cannot grant every wish nor can we perpetually keep our patients happy. We can always do our best to meet their needs, but cannot always provide for all their wants. To help keep my PMA I often recited my mantra of 'I've got the easy job here. She is the one fighting for her life every day.'

Wish I had a magic wand!

Strength, courage, and peace

Hello @kw1904861 I would call police or 911 immediately for your own protection! You need to do all you can to protect yourself from physical violence!

I know it's hard I cant imagine putting mine in a nursing home. but Scott is right . so if you dont want to do that what about introducing a long term facility

@kw1904861 You have taken the first important step on the path to safety by telling us that you have been the subject of violence. The next step is to contact experts in abuse. Like Scott said, I urge you to call the police or 911. They know about dealing with these situations. If you can't call the police, I suggest the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Please visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website http://www.thehotline.org/ On this website you will find a phone number to call 1-800-799-7233 or you can use the online chat and get help without saying a word. By calling the Hotline, you can work with professionals to find safety and solution that is right for you.

Where is he now? Are you somewhere safe?

I’m the caregiver for my husband who has Dementia. I need info about devising a plan for him should I die before he does.

Hello @ltw Nice to have you here on Mayo Connect! I am sorry to read about your husband's diagnosis.

I'm not a lawyer, but I know legal issues can vary by state, etc. so I would recommend you consult an attorney to get her/his advice on how to put together a plan for this instance. I know that is what my wife and I did. It was a huge help because these things can be or get very complicated very quickly.

How long have you been caregiving?

Strength, courage, and peace