I feel like start running and not look back!
Hello,
I haven't been back here for a while. Today is been a bad day seeing my husband behavior. He was diagnosed with MCD on Jan 2023, he’s been taking the pills since then, I never expected the pills to do a significant change BTW, his memory has gotten worse but it's not that what is driving me mad.
He spends all his waking hours, which sometimes go until 1-2am, working outside in the yard (this is AZ, 3 digits heat now) on his "projects". The problem is those projects always result in leaving the yard worse than it was, look at the photos. These are from the latest one: a water feature he was going to built among the retaining wall rocks. The first one is from when I thought he was finished with it, is nothing like you'd expect a water feature to be but I thought thanks God he’s done with it. The second photo is from today when he’s undone all that and he keeps digging
around for what? I don't know. Then he’s breaking the cement on the border of the patio bricks, if I ask why he draws a blank.
Selling the house would be the only way to get money in the event he lives long enough for the disease to get to the last stage and I won't accept to be his only caregiver since we have no family to rely on. I feel so stressed thinking how his doing will decrease the value of the house.
What can I do?
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@mariana739 If this fully occupies him so that he is not at your heels all day, and he is safe out there, I'm going to suggest that you take a deep breath and try to roll with it. Maybe "disappear" any heavy tools like axes, large crow bars and sledge hammers to minimize further damage. If the time comes to put your place on the market, just bring in a landscaper for a day or thre to set things right.
Why am I saying this? Because we went through the same with my father-in-law - except his was "organizing" the garage. What did he do? Emptied all of his previously carefully sorted screws, bolts, nails, etc into 5 gallon pails, sold or gave away most of his tools (which my husband would have loved to have), burned most of the scrap lumber in his wood stove... and was tired and ready to sleep when he finally came inside.
As soon as he past being able to do that, his behavior became much worse, with sundowners and anger predominating. Within weeks, my mother-in-law could not manage him at home, even with his brother's help, and we were hundreds of miles away, working and raising small kids, only able to come on weekends. He was moved to memory care, where he failed quickly, he was gone within 3 months.
So perhaps you can view this as a form of therapy for him, something that is keeping him going?
Thanks for you insights, and yes I guess that you are right in saying that keeps him occupied however at the same time it makes me very nervous to see a feble 83 yr old man climbing the rocks to get to the top and start working on his "projects" while keeping his balance.
I just think on how much worse our lives would be were he to fall and break a hip or worse. Believe me he is not an easy patient whenever he’s recovering from a surgery.
@mariana739
I like @sueinmn answer about keeping him occupied.
Can you think of any non-destructive safer projects for him to do?
If it was not 100+ degrees in AZ I would suggest gardening. Is there a room in your house you do not use that you can ask him to paint? Even if does a terrible job and never finishes, it is an easy fix if go to sell house.
I think he's trying to feel productive. Is there something else that might satisfy that need?
The problem I see is that my husband wants to do what he wants to do and not always what I want which can make him angry. He wants to remove all the gravel from the side of the house and put it in the garbage can. I just keep distracting him or walk away hoping he won’t do it.
Like many it is getting more difficult. Things I am grateful for he showers, dresses, does the dishes, garbage, fills up the Keurig, napkins etc. Anything he does is less for me to do. I cry for the beautiful man I love so much and have to be strong like he always was for me.
I have a less advanced version of this happening in my home with my husband. I agree with everything the rest of the folks here said. I would add that if you think about what and who this man was (is) that you loved so much, you might find the motives behind his “projects”. My husband was always doing things and fixing up things and making things that made my life better, easier, and more beautiful. When he is doing things now, I can see those sane behaviors, the results just aren’t the same because his brain has a few quirks these days. I do make him promise to stay out of the extreme heat and smoke, and if he does go out, I will take a 15 minute breather and then go out and remind if his promise. Always in the sweetest most loving way I can. I just always try to remind myself that just because he doesn’t always remember who he is, I still remember and he is still that man.
We moved into this house in 2021, to this day the room who was to be his studio and the third garage who was to be his workshop are still packed with his stuff, tools, wood remanents, etc. If I dare to suggest why doesn’t he spend time organizing those rooms he doesn’t like it and it ends in a horrible fight. The same if I suggest he volunteers at a fancy thrift store close by where I see all the volunteers are about his age. He’s a talker and I know he’d find people he could make friends there with easily, but that’s a resonant no as well. And something I didn’t mention before but hit me when I read Chris’s post is this: since he retired, my husband was always finding things to fix or change around the house before he was sick with this but my opinion about his projects never had or has any weight, if he asked for it I quickly learned the only answer that wouldn’t cause a fight was “ wow that’s a great idea” any other suggestions for a different manner to do it were never taken in well.
To put in a few words he has never been an easy person to live with, so I don’t even have those memories of the “good, happy times” we lived together to think off when it gets though now. My huge mistake was to not have gotten a divorce years ago before all this. As we all know hindsight is a beautiful thing.
Please don’t misinterpret me, I do appreciate every one of the comments I receive here from people who had a better history as a couple before the husbands got sick but I wanted to make my situation clearer so you know where I’m coming from. Thank you all
I understand.
I have to ask. Is your husband an Aries? No telling them what to do, how to do it...never has been. I'm a Sag and just want everyone to have fun and get along which worked for us for a long time. Now that the tables are turned and m my husband has ALZ, no longer my rock, the dynamics have turned. I don't want to be in charge, or do the "man jobs" or take care of money or make major decisions. But guess what, I have to. I'm sorry you don't have better memories to lean on, that makes your position all that much harder. All you can do is look for a win for the day regardless of what that means to you. Seeing hummingbirds feed at my flowers is a win for me. I just had 4 friends drive up to have lunch with me and my cup is filled for a long time. Reach out and gather in psychic income as my mother called it. Find ways to fill your cup to keep you going. The clock is ticking for all of us. Make the most of it the best way you can. You matter.
Caregiver is a word I’m getting used to -with difficulty. Easy so far but tougher times coming. Making the best of this ‘light duty’ time associated with MCI spouse.
One thing I recently read from a Volunteers of America book is associated with ‘caregivers moral injury’. Those words meant nothing to me before I read the testimony of this one contributor. I have attached it for your edification.
Randy.