Why do I want to.keep up with the Jones's?

I try to keep in mind that material goods and financial status is not necessarily indicative of a person’s happiness. I try not to compare myself to others, because there are things much more important….like how we treat people. Also, good health is much more important, imo.

@palmeroyw Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. I'm glad you found us.

Well, your wife chose you, just as you chose her. She must not feel the same as you, you thinking you are a "loser". Do you have laughter in your life, feel joy and love with your wife and family? Then you are rich. Material things may help you think it makes a good life, but not in the end. It's what you can bring to the table: sharing with others, feeling content.

I have looked at family members and high school friends, and marveled at their successes and material signs of wealth. I prefer my quiet lifestyle, having what I need to survive without using a flashy showing or display. I don't want to be remembered for having money. I want to be remembered for doing good, being there for my friends and family when needed.

What is living well to you, and how do you do that? Remember, those people you see and feel like you cannot compare to, may just as well be thinking, "oh, to live simply and honestly would be such a pleasure."
Ginger

Two bits of advice:

1. The Joneses aren't necessarily happier than you. They may be in debt up to their eyeballs, worried every time the phone rings that they're about to be foreclosed on. As someone said, "If you wonder how other people can afford all the stuff they have, guess what? They can't." If you could hear their late-night conversations, you'd learn in a hurry how glad you are not to be them.

2. Think about the "Smiths", too. They envy *you*. When I became disabled by a stroke, I thought about how *lucky* I was. I lost mobility, but I have a loving marriage, I own my home (be it ever so humble), my cars are older but paid for, my overall health is good, I have enough to eat, I sleep safely at night. I know that about 5,000,000,000 people on earth would trade places with me in a heartbeat.

Learn to be grateful for the really important things. Stuff is just stuff; it doesn't care about you. A friend of my wife went through a messy divorce. She had a very nice house, a Mercedes Benz, lots of stuff. But as her marriage was falling apart, she tearfully told my wife, "I just want what you & Scott have."

I am humbled at times when I see how fortunate I am. I recently saw a photo of an old friend that she texted me. I can’t tell exactly what is going on, but it’s serious. We made plans for me to come for a visit. At times, she can barely lift her head. We are the same age. Then, last week I ran into another old friend…..he obviously has developed a condition. We spoke on the phone a few months ago and he didn’t mention it. I can hardly believe it. He was struggling with mobility. He is only slightly older than me. We never inow what tomorrow holds in store. I. am content to just be able to live a simple life. If I can maintain my health I will consider myself truly blessed.

Wow, this is interesting.

If we valued things like compassion, empathy, community, forgiveness, gratitude, things that are not tangible, we would be better off. To be fair there is nothing wrong with things, they loose their luster after a while and don't bring contentment in the long run.

Who says a trip has to be far away and expensive? How about a walk in the park, library, train ride or farmer.'s market. Be creative, find things that bring joy. Comparing is never a good choice. One can't win.

It seems to me that you may have been trained to value those type of material things in your childhood. Do you really value them yourself? It seems to me that you do not because you do not like that aspect of yourself. So maybe it's a matter of breaking that early training. Not easy to do because it probably went on a long time, but persistence is key in breaking those old ideas about what success is. Success comes in many forms and, to me, many wealthy people with loads of stuff and trips galore, do not have success (I believe this in spite of what I was taught.)

Our world is directed by a self-organizing system that requires consumption to drive profits. There is no intentionality, but there is purpose. Every constituent part organizes itself in service of this goal. The system is called capitalism, and it is very good at achieving its objectives.

Self-organizing systems are neither good nor bad; think of an ant colony. No one ant, including the queen, knows what it is doing; it is simply the system organizing to maximize the use of resources for the desired outcome: life.

Capitalism is no different. Profits are neither good nor bad; they are simply the objective of the system we have built. The tools that it uses to achieve its goals are all around us. They are why consumerism exploded once everyone had a television in their house, and now we have social media.

The light and sound of these devices are optimized to increase consumption; they trigger specific neurons to fire, creating a physical need to consume.

This is science, and marketing firms are well aware of it.

The easiest way to change one's behavior is to turn off the television and not use social media. If we don't want to do that, we can train our brains to spot the algorithms at work.

Because "marketing" is so prominent, we can not escape it entirely unless we change the goal that comes from our evolution imperative to hoard scarce resources, this is what the "system" exploits.

Imagine changing if the imperative of the system is to help all living things thrive.

What a world we would live in.

We built it, we can take it apart just as easily if society decides that it has had enough.

I hope everyone lives in peace and good health.

I just was notified that my “high school yearbook” online, I have a visit from someone. I joined that thing once and realized, where were all these people when I needed a friend ( 60 years since I was in high school). I am not on any social media, I was on FB for about a year and soon realized it as more like a “look what I’ve accomplished” thing than a place to reconnect. My best friend is a 40 year old pen pal with whom I have many similar interests, but she lives 4 states away. We have never spoken ( but recently sent a couple of texts). Even my relatives ( cousins mostly) don’t keep in touch. I have a successful marriage of 32 years, married at age 46, one adoptive son ( from Russia at age 6 - hardest thing I’ve ever done, lots of problems still). Have a paid for house with 6 acres, paid for cars and savings due to hard work. Things aren’t important to me, I am in the process of weeding out my possessions because there is no one who wants them. I just try to be kind to people. I read where Keanu Reeves the actor, said if someone tells him 2+2 is 5, he doesn’t argue or correct them, he says fine, have a nice day. We could all try to do that. Just be glad for what you have ( I was quite poor even after college) and truly appreciate just what I have.

dfb

I really enjoyed your post. You covered about 8 areas of living with helpful suggestions.
I hope you are a speaker, or wrote a book to remind us how best to thrive in this world.
Thanks

@palmeroyw

You certainly have touched on a topic that attracted some attention. A great to read if anyone is interested in understanding a person's relationship with money is the Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel. It's not a get rich book or psychology book per se; but a set of observations about people and what they think about when it comes from wealth. If you do not want to read it and just want to get snippets of his thoughts, just type his name into You Tube. Part of his material is about investing and stuff like that, but there are some great messages about Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) and keeping up with the Jones's. The book is full of examples about life strategies and uncertainty life brings.

In the end, it is what you and your wife want out of life financially speaking. One of Housel's comments is "wealth is the money you don't spend" which is pretty profound. The financial crisis of 2008 showed us that a lot of people over leverage themselves for appearances rather being practical and smart.

Anyway, enough about my soap box moment. Make your own goals. Denzel Washington famously says, "you never see a U-Haul behind a hearse."