Strategies for spouses of hearing impaired

Gmhigee, you have a wonderful understanding of the dynamics. I so appreciate your expression.
You probably already know that hearing loss begins at the high tones. When speaking more loudly it is common for people to raise the tone. With hearing loss it is easier to understand when people separate the words, speak more slowly, lower their tone, and face the person they are speaking to. If you turn to him and touch his arm or shoulder, you'll have his focus without commanding it.
So few of the things we say are more important than honoring the person we are speaking with. It helps to answer each time as though you are telling it for the first time. People with hearing loss sense the frustration of people they speak with and it makes them reluctant to acknowledge that they can't hear.
You are teaching more with this post than you are likely to learn.

Great understanding and observations from spouse point of view. From the view of the person with hearing loss I appreciate your patience. It takes time to process speech and a surprising amount of energy. I find that a brief hesitation by the speaker often results in me being able to intelligently respond. When I am in a small group and several conversations are going on at the same time it is difficult to hear and participate. This leads to feeling of isolation and no interest in communicating with others and perhaps depression. In Rochester MN I am trying to start a support group to help myself and others talk about our issues and relationships (especially with significant others). I would appreciate any ideas from Mayo Connect participants.

You stated that he has hearing aids but doesn't wear them often. This is a very common situation unfortunately. In my practice, i have seen success suggesting patients try an assistive listening device at home instead of hearing aids. Something like the Clearcast PAL is easy to wear and use and much more comfortable for some people than their hearing aids and they work really well.

I encourage you to look into starting an HLAA chapter in Rochester. That way you will get some support from an established organization. Support groups can be so helpful. Not just to the person with hearing loss, but to their family members and friends who are willing to sit back and listen to their stories with an open mind. Learning about auditory fatigue, assistive technology, speech processing, etc. is priceless. There's no cost to develop an HLAA chapter, but there is a great deal of support that can be gained through HLAA. http://www.hearingloss.org for information.

I did this myself many years ago. I can't begin to explain how much I've learned from other people with hearing loss. I've had wonderful audiologists and ENT specialists through my 50 years living with poor hearing but can honestly say I have learned more about living well with it, and being able to explain it to others from the PEOPLE I've met through HLAA than from any of the professionals. Good luck to you.
Here's a thought to ponder. Do you know that it takes a person with hearing loss an average of 5 seconds to respond to a basic question they are asked (especially in a setting with background noise)? 5 seconds feels like 10 minutes to someone waiting for an answer. What do others think when that happens? Why does it happen?

Gmhigbee, what you are observing is a form of “auditory processing disorder” which is pretty common in people with hearing loss. Because those of us with hearing loss don’t hear well our brains have to work harder to figure out what was said. And our brains working harder causes “auditory fatigue” too. We just get tired from trying to listen and understand.

I commend you for being so observant and trying to understand what your spouse is dealing with.

Sometimes you hear most of an utterance, maybe one word is missing. In context the one word becomes apparent. But the listener has to repeat the question silently to check the word contextually.

We miss the consonants but hear the vowels. Vowels give power to speech. Pick a few 4 syllables words and eliminate the consonants. Ask people to tell you what the words are. They will likely figure it out, but it will take more time than it should. try: _o_o_ _y_ _ e or: i_ _o _ _ i _ _ e That time is the time it takes a person with hearing loss to figure it out sometimes.

Then give them only the consonants: m _t_rc_cl_ and: _mp_ss_bl_

If there is 'context' involved, as in a typical conversation there are even more clues.

Those words are: motorcycle and impossible Have fun!

This comment shows so much love and respect and empathy for your husband. I wish everyone coping with hearing loss in their friends and family would have your instincts. Thanks for posting.

Gently: That was worth reading!! I "heard it" perfectly and I'll practice it on my wife. But I need an electronic arm extension to touch her shoulder sometimes. Text messaging with my phone's vibrator works for longer distances, but how can I "tap her shoulder" from across a room? Well since she hears well, I'll say (without yelling) "shoulder tap" verbally and she'll realize that I didn't hear her (especially with the TV on) and decide whether it's important enough to turn and face me etc. or to wave her hand to just forget it which might lead to less husband / wife closeness in marriage. We need an engineer to work this problem further (me).

Sometimes it might be too far to go. But sometimes you might engineer those feet toward a little more marital closeness.