Eating 1200 cals a day and still overweight

I (32F) have been trying to lose the 20 kg (44 lb) I have gained since COVID began. I am 173 cm (5’8) and currently weigh 80 kg (176 lb).

Precovid I weighed around 65-68 kg (145ish lb), which had taken a lot of effort to get to. I ate low calorie (less than 1200 per day), did intermittent fasting (no dinner), walked at least 10k steps per day and ran 5km / 3 miles once a week. I also fasted one day a week, say from Friday evening until Sunday morning (so about 37 hours in total). This regime was the result of years of slowly adjusting my diet and lifestyle in order to try and shift a few kilos here and there. If I could choose to have a more normal way of living my life, I absolutely would have, but this seemed to be the only thing that worked. I knew that from the outside it sounded excessive and I was quite ashamed discussing it in front of people, but it became habit very quickly and allowed me, for the first time in a long time, not to have my day revolve around food as I developed habits that felt sustainable. I’d also note that while the above routine might seem quite extreme, it resulted in a fairly normal weight for my height, which was an early indication of what follows below. I will say, my weight can fluctuate wildly from day to day, up to 2 kg (4 lb) difference depending on meals/toilet habits/time of the month.

I moved in my with my boyfriend in another city during lockdown and began working from home, so my entire lifestyle changed. I was eating different foods (the same foods as him, but smaller portions) and walking a lot less. Intermittent fasting and fasting over the weekends started to feel anti-social, so the weight crept back on.

Fast forward to now. I made the decision over a year ago that I wanted to get into shape, but that I wanted to do it healthily. I hired a personal trainer who also helped with nutrition and we came up with a routine where I did strength training at the gym 3x per week, ate 1400 calories per day with balanced macros (1600 on gym days) spread over breakfast, lunch and dinner and walked 10k steps per day. This would help me lose fat/weight and also fix my metabolism. I definitely felt stronger, but in the three months we worked together I’d lost about 1 kg (I was still around 85kg (187 lb)), which could just have been down to the time of day I weighed myself. I felt more toned, but it was still under a layer of fat that didn’t seem to want to move. I did have days where I ate more than the daily calorie allowance set out, but I would always counteract it with eating less calories the next day, as advised by my PT, and he was always aware of my cheat meals and was happy with them (usually it would be something like homemade fajitas, a small chocolate bar and a non-alcoholic beer.)

I found myself getting more and more disheartened. After I finished working with the PT for those three months, I started calorie restricting further, as I just wasn’t dropping any weight. I cut my daily calories to about 1200 and managed to drop down to 80 kg (176 lb), which is my current weight. This is the result of calorie restriction, intermittent fasting, drinking 3-4 litres of water per day, walking 10-15k steps, and doing a light work out (toning exercises/pilates) five times a week (After six months of strength training, I felt the strength training was just adding muscle under the fat and making me look bigger under clothes)

My weight is now stuck at 80 kg (176 lb) , which according to my BMI (I know it’s flawed but it’s my only reference point atm) would still put me as overweight. Even sticking with the above, it won’t budge. I started running 3km every morning before I eat and that has brought my weight down an additional 2kg (4 lb), but this feels unsustainable. I got sick a couple weeks ago and had to stop and the 2 kg (4 lb) came back on.

I have had ongoing gut and digestive issues and was hospitalised in September 2022 after not going to the bathroom for 9 days. The advice I was given was take probiotics, which I have done religiously. I’ve taken probiotics, psyllium husk, tried healing my gut with kefir, kombucha etc. My diet at the moment is pretty much entirely whole foods (scrambled eggs for breakfast (1 egg, 2 egg whites) with fresh fruit and a handful of nuts, a chicken salad for lunch and two rice cakes with dark chocolate on them as a snack). If I eat ANYTHING outside of this, particularly pasta, pastries, rice or bread, but genuinely sometimes it feels completely random, my stomach inflates and I look about 8 months pregnant. I then don’t go to the bathroom for 3-4 days. I have been tested for every intolerance and food allergy under the sun, as well as having my thyroid tested, and everything has come back normal. I’ve researched endlessly (probably too much) and even things like hormone levels seemed a possible factor but I am already eating in a way that should help my hormones.

I am completely lost. My confidence is in tatters and I feel extremely detached from my own body, because it feels like no matter what I do or how disciplined I am, my body does not reflect that work.

I just want to reach a point where my life isn’t consumed by food, where I have a routine of meals that I switch between, a form of exercise, and that I know that if I follow these I will feel healthy and confident. Even if it seems restrictive, I was in this pattern pre-COVID, but 5 years later (I’m sure age is a factor too), it feels insurmountable to even reach a point where I might feel good in my skin again, and that makes me very sad.

Has anyone had anything similar? Can anyone suggest anything I might be missing?