Tips for Aging in Place

This is a difficult time of life. We have already downsized and are continuing to rid ourselves of things we no longer need, but it is hard in my mind to do these things. We have removed throw rugs. I have adopted a more healthy diet and we both have lost weight since I am the one who prepares meals. For awhile we received senior meals, but, fortunately, my condition has improved and I know the meals are available if ever we need them again, which brings huge peace of mind. Senior transportation is available in our community, but due to lack of buses and drivers, it must be scheduled, so if a need comes up quickly, we must drive our car. Walking to the store or bank is out of the question. It is too far a walk and I no longer have the ability to do this. I appreciate this conversation.

My situation seems to be the opposite of most and I see very few advice publications addressing it: I *don't* want to age in place; we need to downsize to an even just slightly smaller place and to a walkable community and my husband refuses, says he'll have to be carried out of here feet-first, that this house is the only house he's ever owned (he grew up poor, lived in their car sometimes in 100 degree heat). And I'm very grateful we have a nice house; but I wish we could just plunk our house down in a different neighborhood.

I've only seen one book that addressed this and the author truthfully said that when this situation happens, there's really no way to address it short of divorce.

And I've found very little sympathy comes your way when you're in this position: "What are you complaining about? You should be grateful for your nice house! Why in the world do you want to move?!" Because I no longer drive and nothing is within walking distance of here. Then I either get: "Just use Uber" or even "You can probably still drive just fine!" (The 2nd is the one that my husband always says.)

There is no question that when Lyft and Uber came out, I breathed a sigh of relief since one of my big fears is not being able to drive myself places. I use Lyft now when my partner needs the car but I have to go to a doctor's appointment, etc. It is not cheap but probably no more expensive than owning, maintaining and insuring a car, especially if you just need to go a few times a month. Of course, if he is driving yet, then it IS an added expense.

Can your kids or other family members intervene and talk to him so you don't have to take the hostile reaction? If I was you, I would still research the kind of places you think you would want to live so you are ready if the situations changes. And at our ages (I am 78), the landscape can change rather drastically overnight. You could even enlist him in the search on the "I need to know what is available if something happens to you" premise. If he comes with you, there might even be something he likes!

I am now 72 years of age and over the years have witnessed many couples and their families go through the very same thing, including our own families and now we may be in that boat because my husband absolutely refused to take out long term care insurance when it would have been more affordable because he is not going anywhere is going to die in his own home, etc. It truly frightens me. Help is available for many things, but again, he refuses help. He will allow me to get help such as post-surgery type of thing, but being independent is his huge issue. And I have witnessed many men with the same attitude, ripping up their families with their stubbornness. So I have total sympathy for your situation and completely understand. I understood it before we were faced with it ourselves. Thankfully, my husband is sensible in many ways and has finally agreed to single and marriage counseling to address these issues and some other things and I say God Bless him for that decision. Many couples who have been married 54 years would never ever consider counseling. I don't know if your man would agree to go in that direction or if that discussion would make it worse. Our son is deceased and we have a daughter who is stepping up with helpful suggestions, but his attitude and stubbornness is what we need to work through. He is in total denial of what could/might likely happen to us if he refuses to make good decisions. Oftentimes a third party that is unrelated, such as a counselor is able to help him and me work through our issues and make decisions that is in our best interest. It's difficult to be sure and I hope the best for all of us going through these problems.

Thanks for the kind words. Unfortunately, we never had kids so no help from that quarter. He has gone with me to look at 3 open houses, mostly just walked through with a bored look on his face. I've looked on the sly into places for myself if it's just me alone but those kind of places--tiniest little senior apartment I can find, I mean all I want is a small bathroom, a bed, and internet--wouldn't interest him in a million years. He says that in the unlikely event he ever agrees to move, it's going to have to big at least as big as this place (3 bdrm, 2 bath, big yard) and brand new, sigh.

I've just about given up because he always comes back with, "Look, you're not going to have to put up with this place or me for much longer. You know we don't live that long in my family, I'm on borrowed time." (And they don't, I have to admit: most don't make it into their 70s and he's 76.)

Thank you so much for your kind words and sympathy and understanding. It means a lot. And as you say, I too have witnessed a lot of couples going through this. I guess in some ways, I might be lucky in that we don't have kids. That sounds strange, I know; but I've talked to a lot of elderly women who do have kids and sometimes grandkids whom they live far away from and the husband absolutely refuses to move, doesn't seem to care if he ever lays eyes again on his own kids/gkids, and these poor women are just heartbroken over it. So my situation could be worse.

Another thing not helping my situation is that 1 of the worst wildfires in this state's history burned up 25,000 homes in a town 30 min. from here, so a lot of those poor people had to move here, and that really impacted the number of houses for sale and drove prices up. So there's not much to choose from anyway even if he does finally decide he might move.

Very difficult I am sure. Without that possibility,, perhaps to have the peace you need you may consider a gratitude journal for daily entries. It may help to be out in nature as much as possible. Wishing you peace as much as possible.