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I'm Tired and Don't Want To Go On
Fifteen years ago I was put on very high levels of antidepressants for what now seems was transient depression brought on by terrible life style choices. Within a short period of time I became very manic. My manic behavior would destroy everything my wife and I had built. I destroyed our marriage, lost a billion dollar business and worst of all left my children without a father when I went to prison for an assault I committed during a psychotic episode.
Fifteen years latter the doctors have acknowledged that I most likely did not have Major Depressive Disorder and that the medications made me manic. Instead they say that I actually have Bipolar Disorder without mania, I just have profound depression. After doing hundreds of hours of my own research what became clear is that neither diagnosis fits.
In July I undertook the titration off of seven psych meds and seven side effect meds. My interventions are dietary changes and vigorous exercise. These two changes allowed me to, with my providers help, pretty much get off all of the meds I was on. In November I felt the best I have felt in twenty years. My physical and mental health providers were all pleased.
After Thanksgiving my sleep began to decline from seven hours a night to two hour chunks sporadically. After a couple of weeks of this I began to have panic attacks. I asked my providers to help with both and they declined. Then I got Covid and ended up in the hospital afraid I was going to try to take my own life.
To get me out of the hospital I was put on Lithium, Bupropion and Latuda. They have now added Buspar for the anxiety.
I am completely despondent. I do not believe my providers really know what's wrong with me, if anything. I have been put into a box that allows them to get reimbursed by the insurance company. Don't get me wrong I believe they care deeply about my well-being. It's just that that whole system is broken and everything is hit or miss.
After more research I have concluded that the insomnia was as a result of the testosterone replacement therapy I was on. I needed the TRT because of fifteen years of venlafaxine, which is know to decrease testosterone. That no one knew this simply adds to my despair.
I, like many of you, have fought my way through physical and sexual abuse, depression, substance abuse, numerous hospitalizations and prison. I have been prescribed more medications than I can even remember. I have had ECT, TMS and Ketamine therapy. Some how amidst all of ineffectual treatments I managed to have life. I was married for twenty years, have four beautiful children (who I have had no contact with for ten years). I built and sold a number of successful business and have worked hard to be a good citizen.
I am now faced with fighting through whatever is going on with me. I do not believe anyone knows for sure what is happening and what to do about it. It is quite possible that years of unnecessary medication has so altered my system that I will never be well. I've lost everyone and everything in my life that mattered to me. I exist moment to moment because I do not have a gun and as a felon getting one is not so easy.
I am simply done. I do not want to live anymore. I am sixty years old and all I have to look forward to is more fighting in every area of my life. I will die, just like everyone else. I see no reason to delay it any further.
What keeps me alive is a rule I have, not to do anything that will make my situation worse. I believe the only thing worse than suicide is a failed suicide. That said I would welcome death.
I'm just done!
Forgive me for ranting but I feel so completely alone.
I hope everyone finds the peace they deserve.
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I see a psychiatric provider, a therapist, and an engaged primary care provider. I am also lucky to have a very caring friend and family. Everyone is painfully well-informed as to my condition. I feel like a burden to everyone. There is not much anyone can do. I have wrestled with mental health issues my whole life. The one thing I know with certainty is everything takes time. Sometimes that time feels like an eternity.
Thank you for your support.
May you live in peace and good health.
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1 ReactionMy providers believe I feel this way because I am profoundly depressed, either with Major Depressive Disorder or Bipolar Disorder, though I haven't had a manic episode in ten years.
Whatever the case may be depression has been my constant companion. I've had long breaks but it always comes back and I am tired of fighting. I know when it gets under control it is just a matter of time before it comes back again. It is like a monster that stalks me, waiting for any weakness to pounce.
I am dealing with a great deal of grief. Grief is fertile ground for the beast.
I know some people suffer more gracefully. Grace is one of the things my illness has taken from me.
My goal now is to survive the pain and be kind to people while I do.
Thank you for your question.
May you live in peace and good health.
Yeah, I take out the list and it sometimes helps. Not too much sleep, eat healthy (non-processed, fresh foods), A daily walk of 20 minutes outside and fifteen minutes of conversation about anything else and enough hydration. It is a tough road, for sure.
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1 ReactionAnxiety seems to have crippled me physically. Getting back tests results showing nothing my doctor is worried about and pushing me to find a new Psychiatrist is very difficult and disappointing. Now having to face the reality that I personally caused all of my issues and how do I recover and get my life back?
I have come to believe we are all a product of our biology and our environment. I’m not sure how much I decide to do anything. If I am anxious and depressed something in my biology or my environment, or both is the cause.
If I am able to think my way out of it, again something in my biology or my environment makes it possible. If I need medication and therapy, once again my biology and environment has made it necessary.
I try not to think in terms of blame or credit. We are all dealt the hand we play. Everyone is doing the best they can with what they have. Some are less lucky than others.
Everyone suffers at one time or another. Everyone is deserving of kindness and compassion. Even us!
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2 Reactions@dfb Sorry I hadn’t read your whole story and I empathize with you. My struggles with anxiety and depression have caused great physical and medical pain and suffering that I feel there’s no end in sight. Beginning with the estrangement of my younger son almost 5 years ago for no explanation when he just cut the whole family out and moved away. Totally devastated me. Dealing with feelings about my self esteem and negativity from past experiences that I constantly struggle with made worse with aging (I’m 62)and new illnesses caused by anxiety and that I’ve already had MS, migraines, IBS, hair loss. Working on getting through all of this but it’s a slow painful process that requires therapy, medication, exercise, sleep, diet, positive thinking, support. While in a mental health facility, a therapist told me there was no such thing as good genes and bad genes. I think she’s full of it. I too believe we’re a product of biology and environment. Everyone has something to deal with and nobody is perfect. But damn, some of us were dealt a harder blow than others. Comparison is the thief of joy. This drives my anxiety.
So far I have found no relief. Trying to count my blessings but I can’t even enjoy them because of my illnesses.
I hope you find some joy but know you’re not alone in your feelings and struggles.
Your therapist is wrong. The science is clear. Everyone’s genome is different. There are defective genes that cause all sorts of diseases.
Genes are also turned on or off by environmental factors. And how genes are expressed change our biology. If you are interested read “Balanced Brain” by Camilla Nord. She is a neurologist. She does a nice job of explaining how the brain works.
Just as our brain controls how we feel and be. What we do affects our brain. There are scientists that now believe we cannot do or be anything other than what our biology will allow. Robert M. Sapolsky is one of the leading scientists in this area.
In the end I believe most people simply want peace and good health, as they define it. I have had periods of both. I fear I never will again.
May you live in peace and good health.
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2 Reactions@dfb Former therapist . I believe I have defective genes which were environmentally influenced. Thanks for the book recommendation. Will definitely check into it. You sounds like you have a lot of wisdom and insight to offer people. Don’t give up on life. You’ve certainly helped this old lady today. I’m sure you can inspire others. Peace and love to you.
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1 ReactionAs you read the comments following your post, I'm sure you hear empathy, and that you're not alone either in the way you feel or in this little piece of the world. I'm also going through a dark spot right now, and with my suicidal history it's doubly hard. If you can, it helps to talk about things with your empathizers here. We can go forward, impossible as that sounds in the moment. Onward.
Jim
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4 ReactionsHow do you stop your anxiety from controlling your heart palpitations? It’s destroying my health and I’m becoming Christian Bale from the movie The Machinist. Can’t recover without proper sleep and feeling no end in sight. Combos of holistics and sleeping pills failing so far but could be wrong combo. Friend encouraging me to see a holistic specialist who’s done wonders for her. Praying to God. Meditating to God. Walking my dog. Therapy. Negative thinking is too strong. Positivity is the key to success but takes time and effort and that much harder when sick and exhausted. Keep up with the positive commentary. I keep coming back for some reason.
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