I have been estranged from my daughter for almost 20 years

Oh, my Husband says that the fact that she couldn't face either me or him speaks volumes.

When her father got a live in girlfriend with kids, THEN he would start to pick her up for weekends, so she could babysit. My Father said she cried to them that she found out he help pay for their college even though he wouldn't help her out. But, he was still her idol and me the scape goat

Any suggestions on reconcilling, letting her know about the fire, etc. and dealing with this would be greatly appreciated. I am in my late 70's and have health problems and would like a relationship with her before I am gone.

Basically, my younger son estranged himself almost 5 years ago with no explanation so I definitely empathize with you and your situation. I’m so sorry for the heartbreak and loss you’ve been experiencing. This has caused me deep anxiety and depression over the years and I went so far as to commit myself to a mental health facility. No rhyme or reason to it. He had a great life. Was a great, quiet kid. No drugs or alcohol. Just decided one day to cut the whole family and move away. And he keeps moving. I went to his house once in the beginning and he refused to open the door or talk to me. We hire a PI to find him for peace of mind whenever he moves and the last time called the police for a wellness check. It gives me comfort just knowing where he is. I pray one day he comes back. Maybe he’s dealing with his own mental health issues. I wish I had advice for you. Just a hug and pure understanding of what you’re enduring. Praying you get the peace you deserve. No parent should have to experience such devastation from a child they raised with love. 💕

I wish I had answers for you. But I have and am going thro some of the same. My son after recently moving back home brought with him a drug addict girl friend ..who adding to our already exciting problems with my abusive ex , his father. Is best friends with him. She is toxic. I had to throw her out of my home after 2 months of living here, of course. The same it's my fault...This type of person doesn't change. Just because they are out children does not make them wonderful human beings.. It makes them people ..there core being is who they are. I am older too, the same have and given him money, savings...we have to realize They aren't go I g to change. We need to stop Our Guilt trips that's what we need to do...good luck , we need it.

I know where she is. It is in a big Midwest city. I know what you are going through. I am tired of crying most the night wondering why this is happening.

RE: the teacher. Even after he was thrown out of her school she kept in touch with him (this while she had a boyfriend her own age). After she graduated from high school and was out with her friends, I got a call that her car had broken down and would I come and get them. Guess what, there were 4 teenage girls (18) and this scumbag teacher with them. He was giving them alcoholic coolers so they would like to hang out with him!

You know what is funny.....years ago I bought a Saturn, when she got out of college she bought a Saturn. I bought a colonial style house, where we lived, her house is pretty much a copy of mine (I saw it in the realator listings.

One thing she got livid with me about when she was in college was that she wanted me to give her $10,000 (yep, you see the amount right) for a bow for her violin! Not the violin, just the bow. I don't have that kind of money, never did. Said her music teacher told her she needed this expensive bow if she was going to succeed in music (she has a degree in music/teaching and also her masters).

How terrible and I truly understand. The last time I heard from her she was looking for things of hers that she wanted me to send her. I told her I would, but she would have to pay for the shipping as that is so expensive these days and we are on a fixed income. She went into her usual snit against me, how terrible I treated her, am, etc. and that was the end of that.

Mine asks for nothing. I sometimes wish he would so at least I would hear from him. A friend of mine complains about her 2 toxic daughters but I would trade with her in a heartbeat to just be able to see him again. Praying there’s hope down the road for us all.

She only contacted me to tell me to stop trying to contact her through the e-mail address I got. At the same time she asked me about her things etc. I told her sure, I would send them but she would have to pay for the shipping. We are not talking about small packages, but like moving boxes. Never heard from her after that.

You have no control over your daughter only yourself Try to forgive and let go So that it doesn't continue to eat at you Just tell her you'll always love her and move on without hurt and anger ruining the time you have left. It is right to set limits for yourself - but if you want to send her stuff, if thats better for you just go ahead and do it . Don't try to malign her father because it will only hurt her and deepen your own regrets You sound as if Alanon would help you separate yourself from the grief and heartbreak So many of us suffer from torn relationships I believe focusing on the things you are grateful for and reaching out to help others gives peace and healing
If you believe in God, ask for help and to learn forgiveness.

STRONGLY recommend two books, same author . . . Done With the Crying (1) and Beyond Done With The Crying (2) both written by Sheri McGregor M.A. First book published in 2016, second in 2021. She is a social worker and parent of a child with whom she is estranged. I ordered them from Amazon, paperback editions, and they were not expensive. In addition to giving you a lot of information, there are also activities you can do that will help you better "see" what family patterns were and are for her generation, your generation, her dad's etc.

Also, lots of supportive discussion of next steps, what ifs and ...