What is right?

Posted by snowmile @snowmile, Jan 28 2:22pm

My mom is 93 with dementia. I think close to late stage 5/6. We are trying to keep her at home as long as we can manage. She has not bathed herself in at least 3 years and will not change her clothes without begging on our part, can goes days in same clothing.
She wears pull-ups. The big issue is this- twice I had had to close the bathroom door ans stand there with her telling her we are not leaving until she sits down n let's me give her clean underwear. It's not fun for either one of us. I yell, she tries to push me away but eventually I rip the dirty pull-up off, get her to sit, get her cleaned with fresh underwear n pants. She forgets completely shortly after the episode is over but I feel guilty for yelling n not knowing a better way to go about it. Sometimes she is fine, accepting of my help n being clean but sometimes not, and ts what I described above.
Is this what other caregivers are doing? She can't sit in that mess all day. What is the proper way to handle it? I think if she was in a memory care facility they would need to do the same thing....right?

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maryvc | @maryvc | Jan 30 8:31am

In reply to @snowmile "Oh, lots of prayers for both you and your husband. It's a long journey, I wish..." + (show)

Thank You 🙏🏻

centre | @centre | Jan 30 9:15am

In reply to @centre "Try this method I learned from the aides while working in a nursing home- instead of..." + (show)

Forgot to add- you mentioned perhaps your mom is afraid to sit down on the toilet. My mom was the same. I bought “toilet side safety rails” on Amazon. There is nothing to assemble- they just fold out like a folding walker. They are super-easy to install (just fit over the regular toilet seat area), are no wider than the toilet tank, and are collapsible so we took them with us when visiting. I would just tell her to reach back for the rail, she felt much safer than just sitting down into the “void”.

snowmile | @snowmile | Jan 30 10:39am

Super helpful! I will order these today! Thank you!

snowmile | @snowmile | Jan 30 10:42am

I will try this, thank you!

ndclayt41 | @ndclayt41 | Jan 30 1:34pm

In reply to @centre "Try this method I learned from the aides while working in a nursing home- instead of..." + (show)

For a while I had to tear or use a pair of scissors to cut her pull ups till she was easier with me pulling them down I find pulling down her pants is a lot less messy

snowmile | @snowmile | Jan 30 5:03pm

This is the stuff no one teaches you. Thank you for your helpful tips!

lena0825 | @lena0825 | Jan 30 5:11pm

In reply to @buddha "The first thing you must do as a caregiver is to be kind to yourself. You..." + (show)

A good reminder for all of us caregivers.

snowmile | @snowmile | Jan 30 8:34pm

In reply to @centre "Forgot to add- you mentioned perhaps your mom is afraid to sit down on the toilet...." + (show)

I purchased the side rails, should have them by Thursday.
I am really hopeful this will help. Great idea! Thank you again for taking the time to post it.

centre | @centre | Jan 31 7:19am

In reply to @snowmile "I purchased the side rails, should have them by Thursday. I am really hopeful this will..." + (show)

I should have been more specific- the one I got on Amazon is the RMS Safety Frame. Take a look before opening the one coming. The RMS has angled rails which are easy to use and a front floor piece that holds the frame steady and is easy to detach when taking it with you. These frames are game-changers!
Is it difficult to help you Mom in and out of bed? I have a. bed assist rail suggestion 🙂

snowmile | @snowmile | Jan 31 8:08pm

Oh, I will look at the RMS one you suggested. That isn't the one I ordered. Thank you. We do have bed rails and a bed alarm, those have been very helpful. Thank you again for taking so much time to help me. You should write a book! 🙂