Importance of focusing on Positive with Depression & Anxiety.

@woogie Glad to hear from you, but sad all you had to go through. They do say woman that have abusive parents, marry abusive men. Blessings to you. I hope you can get over the bad thoughts and maybe a book would help. Prayers to you.

@woogie I'm sorry you had to go through all that no wonder your depressed Have you found some counseling to help or have you been able to find someone yet

@woogie I hope my Lily doesn't think I deserted her. She's at a great place, where we always boarded her and she loved them. I had e-mailed them about having to give up Lily and they responded or the owner did, "Can I have Lily, we love her." So I know she's getting great care and they send me pictures a lot. But, I am still sad and miss her very much.
Yes, I did read your book. How bad you were mistreated. I suspect there are other family's that are disfunctional, but yours was really bad, the worse!
When my dad was down milking the cows, yes I was raised on a farm. My mom when she was sick with manic depression/bipolar 1 she would tell me she was going down to the barn and hang herself. I was in grade school. I only think of good things about my mom and I love her so much. My dad was my buddy for I was the last of 3 girls all 6 years apart. Well, my mom's mental illness has been inherited by many of our family. Myself, my sisters, my daughter, my son, who is the worse, he has Bipolar 1 and is a professor, but can't teach because of it. I guess I all ready told you about my mom taking her life in my last post.
God is with us, he suffered, and we suffer too. They heavenly father is with us and always will be until Jesus comes to save us. But, we have no idea what that will be, we wonder with everything going on in the world if it's time, but we just don't know. My God give you peace and love.
Maybe you should write a real book. Jeanie

@woogie As I read your post it saddens me to know some of what I experienced as child in your writing. The abusive home environment both physical and verbal, the alcoholic father and out of control mother, similar harsh words of my being born. It is no wonder that I dated and married men with alcoholic tendencies.

I thank you for your honest writing for it helps me put the pieces of my life's puzzle together as I need to make sense of those things that one doesn't understand as a child but affects one's choices as adults. If only I could have connected the pieces earlier in my life, gotten mental help earlier and in turn better choices and support.

You have great courage!

Thank you for saying I have great courage. I know why my mother didn't want another child. She was married to an abusive, control freak, she wasn't allowed to leave without getting into trouble so, she just stayed home 99 percent of the time. I was the last child of six.
That is why she didn't want another child. Yes, she told me when I was little, someday you will understand. Yes, I understand. I can understand why she cared more for my sister who was hit by a car at age three. When my father came home in one of his rages, she grabbed my sister and ran into another room. That left me. I was in a high chair when my dad came home, throwing a fit in a rage, and picked up a cast iron skillett off the stove and threw it and hot liver and onions hit me. I barely remember but my mommie Rose at the age of 80 still remembered and told me that is why she left--she was only 19 and I loved her so very much. My song for her was You Are My Sunshine. Yes, I adored her. I thank God I had her in my life. She was there when I was born and I remember I was walking and following her around the house--she was mopping a room. All of a sudden she yelled at me, scared me, I backed up, which is exactly what she didn't want me to do--I fell into the mop bucket. So, my point is, she was still with us when my legs were big enough to hit the bucket with the back of my knees and bend and fall in. Now I laugh because she yelled because she saw it coming. She had big, blue beautiful eyes. Oh, I loved her so. She put ribbons in my straight hair. My sister had long curls which were beautiful. I was so sick with jealousy. It's a horrible thing. We got to be the best of friends and she is the one I called when I needed prayer. I called both sisters. I knew they would pray for me. I hope I am not too graphic.
Anyway, my father started going to church. We loved it. However, it's a crazy life when a child is taken to a place where people get drunk on Saturday night, then up for church on Sunday morning, then church on Sunday and Wednesday night. It makes for a very confused child.

@woogie Yes, you were brave. A father of husband with a mean streak can me disastrous. I can't believe he through that pan at you. I remember having liver and onions. I really liked them. Your poor mom, no excuse for treating you the way she did. You will always be on my mind. Jeanie

savana1, having the one friend you can always go to is good and bad! I met another person at age eleven and she and I became like sisters. I stayed a lot at her house while growing up. I loved going there. Her parents were very normal. They raised two children who were very normal. My parents were not exactly what I called normal. My mom was depressed, my dad was bipolar (I think). Our house was immaculate. We had three home cooked meals every day. In fact, my father insisted on eating at noon and five o'clock every day! He was a dictator! So, anyway, back to the friend. Her parents had a meal at suppertime. It was fun. Good, home-cooked food with laughter--that was what was missing from ours. Her family shared with each other. They even had a dog which did tricks! We had a dog who wasn't allowed in our spotless home. Theirs was immaculate, too. She and I got married to young men at age 17. She married an abusive person and she got a divorce! I married an abuser and stayed married to him for 8 1/2 years and had five children. One was stillborn. He wasn't even home, he was with his current girlfriend. Then he got her pregnant at the same time I was. He moved in with her when I was pregnant. Such a life. My best friend got married again and had five children. She passed a way two years ago. I am fortunate to have had her in my life even if we went our separate ways, we could always come see each other and start over as if not a day had passed. I loved her as I did a sister. I had two sisters. My closest in age died last June. My other sister died a year before that in August. So, now I am the only one. I have a husband who would rather talk to the neighbors than me. He watches TV in his room, I watch TV in the living room. Sometimes we eat together, sometimes we don't. We don't really communicate with each other very much. He is always right and I know sometimes, I am! I think I write essays when I start writing. My point is, don't have just one friend. You need another friend or two or three. How about having some friends who have the same beliefs you do and getting together once in a while. Blessings!

Jeanie, I don't remember that incident (Maybe vaguely). My mommie Rose was eighty years old when she told me she left our home because of the violence. Then she told me about the baby being in the high chair when dad did that--then she said: "oh, you were the baby". I had called her and asked her why she left our home. I needed to know. She was my bright spot in my child/baby life. The song "You are my Sunshine" was popular and when I hear it on the radio, I always thought of her when I was little. Don't anyone ever think that small children don't think deep thoughts, feel deeply, grieve. I know I did. I remember she was gone when I started the first grade at age 5. They didn't have kindergarten back then. I fell in love with my first grade teacher. She was a grey-haired lady, very sweet. I raised my hand, motioned for her to come to me, she bent over to hear me and I kissed her on the cheek. I needed love so badly.

I go to Mass almost every day of the week. My faith and good people help keep me positive. Also therapy and accepting myself for who I am. I try to be assertive. My sister is very negative and controlling. The less I talk to her the better I feel. Don't need put-downs. Hope this helps. Maria.

Welcome! I play music. Hug one of my critters-rabbit, house chicken, cat, dog, etc-. And when I’m so gobsmacked by depression that I am nearly inert, I make a video of myself, kvetching about anything and everything. Then I play it back and usually end up laughing. Being an extreme introvert, this forum is helping me too. It doesn’t drain energy from me as direct interaction with people does. Best of luck to you.