How do you stay connected as you age?

i'm connected to people via groups.

i attend a weekly bible study group for women on tuesday, i attend a weekly quilting group thursday, i attend a sit and stitch quilts for kids every 3rd saturday, and i go to dog park (a couple blocks from my house) monday-friday so my dog and i can socialize together. my dog loves the beach and we'll go to dog beach about 3x a month. i'm a big fan of baseball, concerts, and plays and have gone alone if no one else is interested in attending.

if i didn't do these things i wouldn't have many reasons to ever leave my house. dogs are great company and really don't require much and provide so much love in return.

I've found that as with many other things, trial and error is involved. Our dear, old friends might be struggling with health, money, depression, family drama, low self-esteem, mental decline, etc. Some move away, and some pass away. I have had to reach out to some old friends multiple times before they were ready to reconnect. Covid isolated many of us, and aging can do that as well.

I've found it necessary to open up to new relationships, in spite of any initial discomfort and the possibility of rejection. When you reach out to others, you never fully know what issues they might have, so it might take some time to find new friends. People also like to be approached individually, not through some mass communication via email or Facebook.

I found a friend willing to meet for coffee once a month. I have another friend that comes to my home once a week to listen to/make music together and chat. I have several friends that come roughly once a week to be together over coffee and treats in my home. To get out I go to the gym three days a week (no cost to me with the Silver Sneakers program). I have a plot in a community garden, where there are usually others there who like to visit. I recently joined a church community that is small enough and loving enough to know and care for all its members. I go every week, and joined the choir, so I have a weekly rehearsal much of the year. There are myriad events for me to choose from at church: a concert series, potlucks, and volunteering in the soup kitchen, to name a few. I have begun volunteering in retirement homes as well (who knows when I will join them).

I realize that my efforts will need to be on-going, as life is ever-changing, but it has certainly been worth the effort for me.

Wow! You are busy

When you have people over for coffee, do you keep it simple? Wondering if others feel like they should have an elaborate spread or something home baked to invite someone for coffee.

Do you have any favorite questions to ask new people who you meet (at the garden for instance)? I like to ask people what they are reading.

Like with Scott (above) - it’s liberating to view others as wanting deeper relationships. Do you agree?

Yes!

Dogs can be a great connector. I have several neighbors who I recognize by their pets- and sometimes know the dogs’ names but not theirs! (Thinking I should work on that….)

It’s good to know what you like - and then seek it. How do you keep up with what’s happening and upcoming events?

Sometimes, going alone is less stressful. You don’t have to worry if the other person is enjoying it…. Right?

I'm actually not extremely busy. I have a fairly simple life--no children or grandchildren, just a loving husband. We live in a cozy condo that requires little maintenance, and virtually everything we need (goods and services) is within walking distance. People get sick and have other emergencies, so cancellations to my social schedule are expected. What is scheduled for once a week might actually be three times a month. I have friends my age who struggle with being too busy, but they go to the symphony/opera/theater/book club on a regular basis, and schedule several events for every day of the week. That is more than my husband and I want in our lives, after many years of doing those things.

I am frugal. For our coffee I serve French press coffee and a home baked banana bread or inexpensive treat from the grocery (usually a $4 purchase). I do serve my guests on my good china, which I never use for any other purpose. It makes us feel "fancy." My friends might bring fruit or nuts to supplement our snack.

When I meet people I ask questions that show my interest in them without being too personal. At the garden I might start by asking what they are growing and move on to how long they have been gardening, what have they found to be successful, and what they do with the harvest.

What I have found liberating is living in the moment and accepting each new encounter as a gift. Not everyone wants a deeper relationship, and circumstances may not allow for it, but those deeper relationships that are meant to be do happen.

"How do you keep up with what’s happening and upcoming events?"

I used to watch news but over the years it has become a divisive and i no longer follow on a daily basis. the big topics do bleed in because people will talk about it (national conflict, taxes, tariffs, inflation, the stock market) but i don't encourage the conversation to go further than that.

at this point many business and leaders are manipulating people, there's click bait, doom scrolling, reels, tiktok, division politics, etc. the goal is to keep eyes watching and to stir up nonsense.

for me it was vampiric by sucking the joy from my life. i stopped the non-stop news cycle about 4 years ago and i'm much happier because of it. i don't even use social media any longer.

i'm in my 60s now and have cancer - i don't need outside influences sucking the remaining joy out of my life.

i am aware of local happenings and attend community events like local concerts, food truck night, movies in the park, family carnival, farmers market, town council meetings, etc.

I live in Parkland, FL and we had a school shooting which over the years has drawn our town closer together. when a local child kills so many people you can not help but take a part of that on the community.

how did the community and local police fail the shooter and the victims. all of those deep reflective questions have lead to a more connected town between the people who live here and the leaders (politicians, faith leaders, police).

As an only child and unmarried woman who worked from age 18 until my 60’s, making friends was, I confess, not a priority. I had people I thought of as friends wherever I worked but once on to another job those “friendships” faded. The true friends I did have were much older than I was and in my 30’s-40’s passed. Living in a big city I knew my neighbors but they weren’t friends.
I moved to another state when I retired and was determined to make friends and imagined I would use my considerable cooking skills to host parties and have game parties, theater groups, etc.
Regrettably, my new state is one of those “red states” and I have little or nothing in common with my neighbors. I tried joining the local “blue” political club but I’ve never been and still am not a joiner. I tried but as a never married woman, I have nothing in common with a lot of woman and since I still have no interest in a long term romantic relationship, few men.
The two friends I did make at my last job I’ve lost when one came to visit and then asked to borrow a large sum of money (which I refused to do) and the other became rabid over our different political views.
In my independence as a younger woman what I didn’t realize is that when I got older I would have nothing in common with most people who have been or are married and have children and grandchildren who keep them busy.
I’ve developed a medical condition that now prevents me from walking any distance so I’ve hired someone to walk my dog. I see and talk to the dog walker more than anyone else.
Recent a new neighbor told me her elderly mother who lives with her was ill and in the hospital. When her mom came home I sent over home made soup a couple of times and she expressed her gratitude. I thought maybe that would “open a door” but after the thank you no other contact.
I realize how isolated I am and Im not whining, just recounting the situation. I like my company and the company of my dog but I miss having a companion/s to go to a concert or the theater and going out to lunch or dinner.
One of the practical problems is that without relatives or friends I have no one I trust to handle my estate once I die.
I did join a writing class and thought I had made connections with three women. After the class ended one of them invited us to meet once a week but soon told me she didn’t have time for new friends.

Most of my friends retreated 15 years ago when I got celiac disease. They thought not being able to eat gluten was all in my head and it got on their nerves that I couldn't eat everything and every place. My husband is very supportive. I've always volunteered some (I'm 70), and now do more targeted volunteering, for vets, group tours for school kids keeps me young, and my woodworking group. When one is alone, being part of a group fills holes in one's self. This year I was diagnosed with SMM, stage 3a chronic kidney disease, and dry AMD; oddly the hardest of these is the possibility of going blind. I decided not to tell friends because there would not be there for me. When friends and associates are sick, I help out because I know what being isolated feels like. It is important once retired to have friends, even arms-length ones, hobbies and interests, exercise, and occasionally pillows to scream into.

Yes! A safe place to let it all out is so important…..

Ah, the dietary restrictions! I recently hosted a dinner at my house for a friend’s 80th birthday. One of the guests eats gluten free and vegan. Many people told me, “have her bring her own food” - and even she suggested this! I asked her to bring a simple dish - then made an eggplant dish for her. It was fairly easy and - guess what - delicious!

But - I can see how diet can be isolating - especially with so many of our social interactions centering around food. Maybe others have found tricks for their own dietary patterns?

No doubt, losing vision is distressing. What have you found to be helpful as you navigate this?
We had a heartwarming episode #41 on the book “Have Dog, Will Travel” about the poet Stephen Kuusisto’s experience with a guide dog. I also really appreciated the book The Country of the Blind by Andrew Leland. We often think of vision loss as binary - when in fact it is quite nuanced.

I particularly appreciate your comment about the need to connect after retirement - and would broaden that to include maybe all life transitions!

So much to unpack here - thank you for being open!

You share many characteristics with Helen, no? If you haven’t read Sipsworth, I hope you will (and tell us what you think!)

You raise important points about connector points - having children/grandchildren, neighbors, colleagues, relatives - and how everyone navigates a different set of these factors.

What type of writing were you working on? Our episode #32 was about Writing to Heal - using narrative to capture and also explore our own stories. It’s one of our episodes that I hear the most about as people are listening to the show.

The legal matter of the estate is a tricky one, isn’t it? It’s especially hard when seeking someone who you can truly trust.

And politics… so divisive… especially in the modern era.

Physical limitations are also complicated - though it’s better now that we live in a digital world where we have the opportunity to connect virtually. Have you tried a book club? I’ve met some of my closest friends through an online book club - through which we then did a local meet up!