Why My Fall Made Me Feel So Ashamed

For me, severe and sudden PN was sudden and severe, causing me to literally get “weak in the knees.” They buckled without warning, and I was down, needing help getting up. An autoimmune reaction was finally offered by two neurologists. After two years of physical and aqua-therapy, my legs, back and upper body are stronger, but my balance is markedly off. When my arms are off my walker, I struggle to find my center of gravity. Some friends expect an upward trajectory of recovery, while I am happy with small signs of progress, like walking or climbing four steps with a four-pronged cane, or a hemi-walker held in one hand, both alongside my physical therapist. I travel longer distances in a wheelchair to be safe from falling for me and my caregiver spouse. What the general population, which included me before 2020, does not know about PN is vast. It affects a spectrum of movement, through damage to nerves, numbness, interrupted connection to muscles, sporadic pain, and a distortion of a sense of balance —all factors in falling.
So I use all the tools and folks that can keep me safe and help me be upright and “walking” as well as I can in the face of an insistent and powerful force of gravity.