What do I even do anymore with all my health issues?

Posted by megami11 @megami11, Sep 30 2:09am

I am 19 years old. 3 years ago I caught covid. I never knew contracting something that felt like a cold would change my life forever. I woke up one week after contracting the illness, never to be the same again. It took about 2 years for me to stop mourning the girl before my chronic illness. I have gastritis, lpr, vocal cord dysfunction disorder, Gerd. I used to wake up everyday just feeling so spiteful but as the months went I got too tired of being spiteful im just too tired of everything. Anything and everything feels like too much. Having my chronic issues took a long time for a diagnosis and I still have health issues. My chronic issues have lead to alot of other horrible issues aswell specifically in my mental health. I have an eating disorder, have cycled through anorexia. bulimia, and binge eating disorder. I have ocd aswell as chronic anxiety and depression. My dad cut me out of his life in June this year worsening everything. All the stress has caused me to develop a horrible gut issue. I constantly think of food 24/7, it's almost maddening. I have gained 15 pounds in one month, I have horrible acne, no motivation, exhaustion. Everything just gets worse and I dont know how I can even have the fight left in me. I walked out on a great job opportunity after a month of training there. The stress and the burden was too much too carry. I have gained alot of weight, it affects me, I never wanna go out. every night I spiral I have a parasite or another gut issue. which is worsening my depression but the worst part is feeling alone. I have no one too talk to about it. I am embarrassed. I forced myself to get another job because I feel pathetic. Since all my issues developed Ive had no motivation to succeed in anything. Im addicted to failing. I just wanna push myself do something that makes me feel good for once which would be working. But I start my first day tomorrow and the anxiety is horrible. I binge ate today and cried. I have been crying all day. I really hate myself and my life I dont know where to start to get help. I worry I will die accidentally because I take benaydrl to deal with the anxiety around 125 mg a day. I already have memory loss. I am just exhausted. Thank you for reading.

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dlydailyhope | @dlydailyhope | Sep 30 6:48am

@megami11
I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. I have a 26 year old son and he has his own set of challenges. Where are you currently living and do you have medical coverage? Do you have other family/friend support?

rashida | @rashida | Sep 30 10:42am

@megami11 - 19 years old is so young to be dealing with all this. Are you living at home? If so, can you talk to your mom? Have you seen your doctor? Is there a mental health facility in your area where you can go for help?

meredithes | @meredithes | Oct 1 8:34am

Hi @megami11. I’m so glad you posted on here. That takes a lot of courage and motivation so please give yourself credit for doing that. I’m so very sorry your health issues triggered so many negative events in your young life. I can relate, because at 22, I survived having 3 cardiac arrests back to back. I was extremely lucky to live through that but I had to deal with an anoxic brain injury and then was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder while I was trying to recover from the heart and brain issues. I’m 41 now, and I had a very brief stint at being a functional adult until I got something called Primary Autoimmune Myelofibrosis, which means my autoimmune system destroys the new blood cells my bone marrow makes because it “thinks” it needs to. I’m severely anemic and blood transfusion dependent right now.

The reason I’m sharing all this is not for sympathy or to say I’m worse off than you. What you’ve been and are going through is so very hard. It’s very much ok to recognize it as hard and to let yourself grieve for the life you thought you would have. I still do from time to time myself. But it does get easier to deal with. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!

My best advice is to try to find a therapist where you live. You have complex issues and a trained professional is likely to be your best bet. Where I live, there are several places that offer income based payments or sliding scale fees to help with the cost. There may even be some therapists who will treat you pro bono (try to find a licensed social worker (LCSW/LMSW; those are the letters to look for), they’re typically easier on fees than than LPCs or other therapists/counselors.

I wish you the very best of luck and hope that you can pull yourself back up. I’m rooting for you!