Talking Frankly about Living with Advanced Cancer

@gingerw Your post brought me to tears, Ginger. If my husband remarries, I would hope he'd marry someone that shares your perspective. It's so hard to write that!!! We both have so much emotion tied to the subject of life for him after I die that the few times we've brought it up, it never goes well. We typically can talk about most things, but this has proven to be tough and his response so short and "off the table ", that I'm afraid it's simply not going to be productive for either one of us. In all fairness, this is us. We love each other very much! I have no doubt he is there for me until my last breath! But I am a counselor by trade, who's no stranger to tough topics and feelings galore and he is an appraiser supervisor, who deals with facts, concrete values, math and everything logical. lol All kidding aside, I wish I could explain how the comment crushed me. I tried the next evening because it weighed so heavy on my heart but the results were the same. I don't know if it's a protective mechanism, just can't go there, or if he truly feels that once I'm gone, "that's that" and he grieves and copes by tucking it all inside and moving on. You're so right. Everyone grieves in their own way and time. I just want it to be healthy - find some way to remember, share, talk about me, laugh about the good memories, to not be forgotten, but to make an impact, to make a difference in remembering my love for him.

He is a miniature Min Pin with Pomeranian on the front. He is super protective ❤️💕

Yes @jimmy2248 thank you for sharing. 2 years yesterday sounds like you need to celebrate if you haven't already! That's one thing trials have taught me and that's to celebrate every opportunity. True, we never know the impact of ours or others stories. Best wishes, strength, and blessings.

Hi @llwortman - Thank you so much for your help and assurance that I'm not walking this road alone! Yes, we will survive. Uuug, the unfair stigma of lung cancer and having never smoked must be so tough! I'm so glad your support team surrounds you.

I'm so glad you reminded me of Dr. Sood and his books, classes, lectures! I have read one of his books and did benefit so much. I think I need a refresher and maybe check into his classes and lectures. I'll have to explore that further. Great idea.

I love how you reframe your challenge into your blessings too! I have a whole list of medical issues besides my stage 4 ovarian cancer - stroke at age 18 due to a heart defect, 4 open heart surgeries, pacemaker... the list keeps going. I've always stated, the lessons learned through these trials make me who I am today - to see the joy, have gratitude for some things that may be taken for granted. It's all in the silver linings, isn't it?

Thank you and thanks for the cyber hug! Just what I needed. 😉

Hello @kathleenkin
Thank you for sharing the picture of Mac. What a sweet looking dog. He must be a comfort for you!

Hello @IndianaScott Thank you for sharing your wife and your journey through her illness, death, and grief process. I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear that she's not forgotten and part of conversations and your lives now. That her legacy lives on in a healthy loving way. That's what I assumed would be the way my family would grieve and the thought of it gave me some comfort. But you are so right, everyone grieves in their own way and time. I just thought "making good memories" would be what everyone would want. But another perspective, at certain times, could see it as a trigger that evokes too much emotion. I have a friend who's husband died and she stated she was glad he didn't have time to write letters or prepare before he died because it just was too much for her to cope with if around every corner there was a letter, gift, or some reminder. We all grieve differently.

I can so relate to the quick conversation starters or statements that avoid the "tough" topics of cancer or mortality. I often hear, "You look SO good!" and "You're such a fighter" but very rarely do I share nor do I feel others want to hear my true concerns and thoughts on being sick or dying. I'm a counselor by trade and as expected, I'm no stranger to tough topics and conversations. But sometimes, the fact that I am just that and I've been very resilient in life with a list of other health issues (stroke, heart failure, surgeries, pacemaker, etc.) makes it even harder. I have some friends who are counselors who cannot truly address these issues!

Thank you for sharing!
Oh PS. lol, my husband is a trooper for sure. He watches these Christmas movies with me every year because I love Christmas and celebrating. But every now and then, a movie sneaks up on us like the one I shared. Uggg, a good Disney movie always pulls on the heartstrings. 🙂

Strength, courage, and peace to you as well and thank you again!

My Mac

@leannn I am glad you feel comfortable to share with us here on Mayo Connect. The subjects of death and grief are so individualized for people, at least in my experience. Like my dad, I do not hesitate to talk about either one, but several of my siblings are the opposite. This was never so clear as when our parents were at their earthly road's end. I have encouraged my husband to speak of his former long-time partner, who passed before I came into his life. Mementos she gave him are on display in his office, and pictures including her are displayed. Would you be able to explain to your husband how his comment struck you? How do you think he might respond?
Ginger

I also live alone! My dogs are my kindered spirts. We are so Lucky to be blessed with them.
Sundance (RB)

I just had my fifth cancer surgery on the 6th of December. I gave a very rare cancer called chondrosarcoma. It is a bone cancer that creates cells in my bones and throws the cells in my lung. They removed my right lung two years ago.
I keep a positive attitude. I enjoy every day that I gave. I currently have seven tumors in my left lung. They are small and too deep for surgery right now. I know that in time they will have to be removed and my life will change dramatically. I am mot afraid of death. The hard part will be leaving my son. My son and family know my wishes and we discuss the future. I trust that God has a plan for my life. I pray that you will find peace and joy, and that fear will not be part of your life. Be honest and open with. Your husband about your feelings. He is scared too. I wish you the best. Most of all - don’t give up!!