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I just called national suicide crisis line and was put on hold. I could have killed myself by now.
It was around age 55 that I went through a very difficult time. I tried to od several times. After an emergency visit to my doctor, to tell him what was going on, I decided to self admit to the only facility in my area. It was a nice, new place, with one hallway to 6-8 men's bedrooms with a common bathroom, and another similar wing for women.
It having been in operation for only a few months, there were glitches that needed to be resolved, especially with staff.
I stayed there for six weeks, around ten times the usual stay. I knew that if I left I'd be dead within a week, so I stayed until I felt sort of safe.
That was in November and December of 2005, and I'm still alive. That's thanks to my support system – my wife, my faith, a revolving door of therapists, a psych service dog and a bunch of good doctors.
Calling a suicide help line wasn't anywhere near my line of vision. Why would I call someone to have them try to stop me. It just seemed totally irrational to me. But, of course, I wasn't using my rational mind during those times, so what seems rational to a suicidal person is just the opposite of what most people would call rational.
Now, 14 years later, I am in a much safer place. I retired after the suicidal portion of my life, at 55, moved to a new place close to medical professionals, and live on ten acres 7 miles from the nearest town, but an hour away from the city where there are every kind of specialists and a good hospital.
Medications and therapists keep my mental state stable, though I don't have a therapist right now. The last one was really good, but he moved away after just one year. I felt somewhat devastated and I still miss him a year later. The hospital hired a new therapist, and I saw her for a few months, but I couldn't establish a rapport with her, so I stopped seeing her. Unfortunately, the therapists that work for the hospital are the only ones who accept Medicare. Living on Social Security doesn't allow for what amounts to luxuries, like therapists.
I've been, as I said, medicated to keep me stable, but what is stable for me would most likely be fairly depressed to others. Being stable means that serious depression and anxiety, etc., are really just under the surface, and I'm told that I am a professional at wearing a mask.
But back to suicide helplines. When I'm in a suicidal bubble, calling 911 or 988 is dumb to me. I don't want anyone to know that I'm swallowing a bottle of opioid or antidepressant or Clonazepam or whatever pills I have access to. I want to be left alone as I put myself out of my misery. Thankfully, it's been a long time since I was in that state. I still think about it but it's not a compulsion.
I agree that our country needs a more accessible mental health system. The small town nearest me is sorely lacking. There's more help in the town that's 30 miles away, and even more in the city that's 50 miles away, but they might as well be 1000 miles away as far as my budget is concerned. So, I tighten down the strings on my mask and keep on forging ahead.
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@jimhd Jim, thanks for such an honest and open description of what you have been through. I'm glad that you have a good support system and are doing better now.
I agree, most people on the verge of suicide would not call a hotline, but hopefully, if someone who knows them is aware of the situation they would. I hope the new number gets well-published because I don't think many of us expect to need it so we are not apt to make a note of it. If it's well-published then we will remember just as we all know to call 911 for an emergency.
Thanks so much for all your replies . I just saw that we may be getting a 3 digit suicide crisis line to go country wide. Check the web.
My friend's grandson is okay at this time. He has asperger's syndrome and is in special education. However his mother is not taking this seriously. And grandma can't intervene at this point.
So my son's birthday is tomorrow, the 13th. He would have been 55. Suicide was August 13, 2016.
@georgette12 Thinking of you today, and understanding this is a most likely a difficult day. What will you do to honor your son's memory and his footprint on this earth?
@jimhd and all the good folks responding here. Jim, I agree with you that a person who is extremely and actively suicidal will not call a hot line. I've worked as an intake person on a suicide crisis line. And as I have said, I have a continuing challenge with suicidal ideation as well. I have no idea why I work in home health care with people who also have these issues. But I think it helps me get through my own life without doing anything dastardly. Blessings.
Regarding my son's birthday today, thank you guys for contacting me. I worked as usual and tried to help someone else worse off than me. I also bought a huge cherry turnover and I plan to eat the whole thing. No sharing with husband.
What a beautiful way to honor him and YOU!!!! You are an inspiration to us all🥰
Good for you! I like those too!
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