Struggling with 96 YO mother after 10 years...

@woojr - What a taxing journey you and your wife have been on.
I don't know how you step back from being at someone's beck and call for ten years. One thing you might try is to suggest she call the cousins who are in her will if you know which ones they are. If she is financially secure enough, hire out the maintenance work you have been doing, paying from her account.
On the financial side, if you have her POA, you can go to the credit services and freeze her scores at the credit bureaus so she cannot open more cards. You can also set limits and notifications on all of her existing cards so that she cannot keep charging and charging. Contact her bank(s) and set limits on her withdrawals that are in line with her typical spending for food, clothing, hairdresser, etc. Set all transfers to require your approval so she can't open new accounts nor send money to scammers.

Here is the hardest thing - tell her frankly that you can no longer do as much as you have been, and set a schedule for when you or your wife will do certain things for/with her. Put the schedule on a calendar where she can clearly see it. If she calls in between demanding instant action, unless it is a true emergency, remind her of your next scheduled visit and agree to do it then. When she gets angry (and she will) you need to stick to the plan.

As for replacing the computer, this is tricky business... of course it would be best to not have one, but if she has used one for years, it will be a real deprivation. Just know that the new one will be very different than the one that just died. Is she going to be able to learn to use it? Also, if you, your wife, or one of your kids has some computer skills, it could be a blessing, because you can block a lot of the scammy internet sites selling vitamins, etc by setting security on everything at the highest levels.

Take a deep breath and think hard - are you at a place where Mom needing more help, falling for more and more scams, not taking meds, etc, indicate she needs to be in a care setting of some sort?

Thanks for your time and thoughtful comments. I think her computer broke because she left it on all the time. I like the idea of blocking her favorite haunts. They're all irresistible. She's been buying so many she was claiming she was an LLC. I mean over $3000 a month for years and we've been throwing away boxes of expired pills. I've talked to her for some time about her need to keep some money for a place to stay but she says it'll never happen to her. Actually I think she'd live a lot longer if she lived with other people. She's also had issues with sounds. Tinnitus has become weird as she hears a man humming sounds when there's no other noises. She would fight any moving into a care setting. We also just found out she's been going down the cellar steps which are pretty steep. I've told her to keep a phone with her and how terrible it would be to tumble down the stairs. She says it'll never happen to her. Her credit line on one card is only a few thousand and pays monthly bills. The other needs to called but I don't have a POA on it. It's a must do soon. Thanks for that reminder. I needed these as I'm not with it. I'll review your note again tomorrow. Need some sleep...

Dear woojr, I am amazed at how much you have been through with your mother. You and your wife have been more than supportive and long suffering for at least 10 years. I’m sure her behavior started more than 10 years ago. I agree with Sue’s comments. Tell your mom that you will discuss turning all her care etc to those cousins she is leaving her estate to. And follow through. If they decline, and there is no other family to take care of her demands, then she will have to abide by your every decision. Remind yourself that you are doing so for her sake, health and wellbeing as much as your own. Her constant demands, accusations, and willful behavior are taking a terrible toll on your health, mental and physical. I know it’s hard to put boundaries in place with a parent, I’ve had to do so myself. But look back on what you and your wife have done for her over the years. Make a list if that helps. Doing this isn’t to validate yourself but rather to help you actually see just how much you have done and how far you have gone to help her with unrealistic expectations. Once you see that, you can better understand why she needs outside help as well as help you feel less anxious and obligated to her. Jumping through all her hoops isn’t helpful to her or anyone else. I really hope you get support from professionals for this situation. Best to you and your family.

Thanks for commenting. You know, after a lot of years we've all changed, but when a person gets really old it's hard to understand how they're going to act on any problem that confronts them. When a person is used to certain things working out they become complacent that it's always going to have it their way. 5-6 years ago our disputes were over trivial things. It was more about maintaining her control and always being right. I always felt the presence of my father who passed at a very young looking 70. It was a year and a half after he had a bad stroke and heart attack leading to very bad, long end of life experience. He had done all the house work and they were about to hit their 50th wedding anniversary. They were a good looking couple and enjoyed the same things. I was 45 and had three kids at home and a grandchild on the way. She went through a lot of changes the first few years after his death and I helped her then and she had a sister who lived a short walk down the street. She had no interest in another man but was involved in the church more and more. In hindsight I realize now how gullible she was, and the internet opened a world of opportunity for believing how vitamins would keep her happy, healthy and alive to 122 years old. She was in great shape to begin with, eating healthy and exercising and doing lots of yard work. She was raised to work, born during the Depression.
Anyway, I can understand the way we've gotten here today.

My wife took her for routine blood work this morning. She told me I needed to stay home (LOL). So mom runs into a couple who she worked with back in 60's -90's. She asked them about their parents. Two had passed a few years ago and the fellow's mother was in assisted living. She was 101 with dementia. He was an only child and apparently had been in a similar place as I am today. My mother completely ignored the negatives of this story. She has a powerful ability to focus only on what she wants. In other words, nothing I say means anything, The current issues about itching and believing anything from the mail but not me or her doctor is typical. She can be very charming. Loves the attention she gets at PT and doctor's appt's. She's very biased and it plays into the will. I could ramble on and on. Thank you for caring.

Your mom sounds a lot like mine. I had the same issues with mine as you are having. Just a suggestion about the itching: when I was pregnant years ago, I always got uncontrollable itching all over my body. No doctor took my seriously until my last pregnancies. He said it was the extra strain on my liver that caused the itching. But he had no remedy. I spoke with other moms in my community who said that drinking grape juice solves the problem. Grape juice is excellent at cleansing the liver. It worked 100% for my last two pregnancies. I wonder if your mom’s diet of vitamins and supplements are hard on her liver. Something to consider.
I like your idea of limiting the ads that come up on your mom’s computer. She sounds savvy enough to explore more of what is available online. Maybe she would enjoy researching family history. It can be quite addictive. There are a number of good websites like Ancestry.com that you need a paid subscription to or a free website for family history research is Family Search.org. Always all free. Both excellent resources. I wonder if she would like to share her life story with family. Perhaps your kids and grandkids would benefit from what life was like for her in her younger years. Even a personal history of the things she wishes the family knew about her life. I do hope you and she as well as your wife, can focus her attention and energy onto her documenting her life story. The computer is great for finding photos and information about life events she lived through.
Best wishes for a happier future.

Thank you for taking a minute to comment. Mom has the Ancestry.com. It was a gift from my cousin who grew up down the street from her. At first she found it interesting but she really just does Vitamins. She has several companies that send her solicitations for pricey pills. She frequently talks about writing a book but that ship left a couple years ago. She has about five stories she tells everyone about... they're all about escaping death. The first was when she was less than five years old. My grandmother and her were very ill. A religious parade went down the street they were healed.
The others were more recent trips to the hospital when she had a serious UTI which led to a kidney infection. She waited much too long to tell me she had discomfort which she blamed on her PT. I had to carry her against her will to the car to take her to the ER. The others were a minor stroke which she had at Church and two men drove her home. My cousin worked at the Church at the time over heard them talking about the way she was talking. She called me and I called 911. She recovered well and came home after a month. Then she felt lousy. I took her to her doc and she didn't notice her heart was beating about 30 BPM. That night she called 911 when she said God told her to call 911. This was the best as she ended up with a pacemaker. That was ten years ago. She gets a new battery soon. It's easy to understand how those stories rise to the top. She prays a lot. I think I've learned some of the things that help us get older. Right at the top is actually calling 911. Do vitamins help? In her case, she lived a healthy lifestyle including exercise and a large social group of friends, relatives former coworkers. She bowled in a league up till the stroke. Thanks again for your kindness.

It sounds like you are doing all you can. I’m 77 and recently had a UTI but didn’t notice at first. My doctor told me that UTIs don’t show up in elderly women as they do their younger counterparts. Elderly women usually don’t have any of the normal symptoms. In other words, you don’t know you have one until you are pretty sick. Another thing I learned recently is that elderly people often go through what is called delirium when they are sick. It generally lasts only a couple of days. I just had an episode myself when I was diagnosed with the UTI. I am also recovering from a very painful knee replacement surgery. So the illness along with the pain from surgery, being indoors all the time, my digestive system thrown off, loss of sleep etc combined to make me a little crazy. You might want to watch for this issue with your mom.
Perhaps you can find some help from a friend of hers who she will listen to. After all, you are her “kid” and she probably doesn’t easily accept anything you have to say about her issues. And maybe many of these issues are related to her overall health and not her stubborn attitude. I’m sure many who read about your efforts and your struggles are very impressed with all you have done for her. Remember you aren’t alone in this. Maybe those cousins could step up? I wish you every success and strength. My best wishes to you and your wife. Please keep posting if it helps you.

I just caught up with your reply, my emails are getting behind. Her overall health is really quite good for her age. She's at the hairdresser now, her weekly drive there is about a mile from her house. She keeps clean and cooks a very healthy diet.
As far as who she listens to, there are many people she responds to as well as several booklets, subscriptions to "her doctors" with their sales pitches. These are the ones she listens to in stead of her real doctors. The last time we saw her real doctor, the doctor asked her if she was going to listen to her today. Mom went along with her but when we got home she refused to follow her instructions about her itching head.
Mom has a couple old friends that visit occasionally and bring food and they talk. Mom gives me the cookies or other sweets because she won't other's baking.
My wife and I have UTI risk on the brain. Her last test was negative. You know, at this point I think I'm worse off than she is. She called a short time ago asking about whether I was looking for a new computer for her. The old one burned up. This is a very long story. It's at the heart of my worst fears because I've already experienced the scams and all the deceit that came from her inability to decipher truth from lies. Her world has been so much better without the computer. She still has plenty of regular mail to sort through and send money to anyone who asks for it. After writing this, I'm convinced I can't handle this much longer. Thank God for wife.
Thank you for caring.

Oh my. Ten years of this.

Independence and fear of losing it is such a rough road to navigate. For everyone.

How is your wife handling this? Yes, thank God for her.

Does your mother trust your wife?

Thanks for writing. My wife is truly amazing. She just goes and goes. In case I didn't mention it but, she's been caring for me at times since 2008 when I had two major surgeries, kidney and bypass heart. Then a couple spinal surgeries which the last one was at the beginning of Covid. There's a lot more like hernias and hip replacement and I need a new shoulder. And can't leave out good ole arthritis which is worsening almost daily. She seems to thrive on doing for others. She's the heart of our little church which has been shrinking for the last 20 years. She's recently been involved with a member who has been dealing with stomach cancer and just left the hospital and is on hospice now. She's near the end of life as I write.
My mother has come to realize she needs my wife. Your question, does mom trust someone or something or me? I believe it depends on what she wants and how to get it. I'll give a quick recent example. Yesterday Mom called my wife, Janet, and asked her to buy her some clothes. She bought some online last winter from Walmart I think. Janet dropped everything and this morning there was a box delivered to our door. She's out working in the garden now. We've raised monarch butterflies for a number of years but the last couple there's been problems with our plants not growing. She's getting ready to relocate the catarpillars to a friend's garden as the food is running low and we keep finding new caterpillars. There's always a project. And then there's the feral cat. LOL. Thanks for being nice, it helps. I know something is around the corner.