Lung cancer stage 4: Anyone's spouse refuse to help themselves?

My husband does still smoke his cigarettes-3-4 packs a day. It is putting a strain on our finances. He has overdrawn his bank account twice now. I am left holding the bag. I don't care if he still smokes, but he should cut down. I can not afford to pick up the slack financially. I smoke, also but I started the cheapest cigarettes I could find because I can't afford the 11 dollar a pack marlboros. And he is on hospice now and twice now he has taken more of the meds they gave him. if he had screwed up again, they were going to withdraw from his care. The nurse said they did not want to do that so they are only giving him 3 days of meds at a time. He od on his oxys in september last year and almost died, While in the hospital for that, he went into cardiac arrest but they brought him back. He has been an addict most of his life abusing his pain pills. He got them legally for back pain but when he would run out, he would get them from someone else. Of course, these transactions happened when I was work. Our marriage has been a struggle. He did not use his pain meds for pain, he used them to get high. I think there is a difference between your situation and his. But hospice is wise to him now, and unless he begins to get them from someone else, he will get a three day supply for the duration, unless he gets to the point where his pain begins to get much worse. He takes oxycodone, oxycontin(morphine) and he also has liquid morphine which he is able to take at any time. So he has plenty of pain meds. And he also smokes marijuana. I don't say anything to him because I don't want him to suffer, but I also don't want him to abuse them. If hospice withdraws, he will be hard pressed to find a doctor who will prescribe him narcotics again. Thanks for your response and I hope you stay well.

Excuse me for jumping in but I have been back and forth with cancer and pain meds. I think it's better to let him decide as no one can know how much pain another person is in. That I have learned. For me they make me happy as do cigarettes. So I stick with doing both. And am happy. I didn't know 4 years ago if I would have made it (had a bad Keytruda reaction) and I have developed pain so I just take them and feel better and happier due to that. I mean why not feel good physically like I did in my 30s - maybe feeling this joy will help me continue to live my life in the best way possible. Ditto for cigarettes. People used to grow poppies and get opium in that way - I think in their tea, to ease older age aches and pains. I think a cancer person should not feel guilt about taking medication for pain. Sometimes people say they are afraid to take opiates I say I take them and am not addicted, I take them all the time (LOL). Life is not always easy. I hope the very best for you and your husband. Prayers to you!

@linaita , It sounds like you have some hard days ahead. Please try to take care of yourself. If you can take a break and get out of the house take advantage of that. Hugs.

I am amazed at how he will lie to his palliative care carers.
Sometimes I console myself that his brain is affected but I doubt it. I feel despair that it has taken 40 years for me to fully accept the true nastiness of this character. How dumb of me!

I hear you. Well, lately, my husband has not beens so demanding. He has been able to get up from his recliner and get his own coffee and make his own food which is usually mcrowaveable. If he does ask me to make him something to eat, will do it, but if he wants to do it himself, maybe that is a good thing. As far as driving or even going outside to get in the car, he can't do it. He is not balanced enough to do that. He does fall at least once a week. We have hopsice involved now and I am glad because they come twice a week to check on him and they count his meds, That is a good thing because he always took double of what they prescribed him, Now they are bringing a lockbox with them on monday and it will cotain 7 sleeves which will hold all the meds that he needs for that day. I have to keep the key so he does not get in there and take more. He is not going to like that. He is used to taking as many as he wanted. He is an addict. But like the nurse explained, they can't really tell how much pain is is really in until they see how he does on the correct amount of pain pills. Then after that they can make adjustments. I can just here him bugging me for more but I will not go against their wishes. He just wants to get high but now he says it is because he is in pain. How would I know if he is telling the truth? He can just call the hospice nurses and plead his case to them. One of the previous responses said that her husband lived 14 more years without treatment. Sorry to say this but I don't think I could handle the next 14 years of my life living like this. God help me. Oh and my husband smokes too, He goes through 100 dollars every 3 or 4 days getting me to buy his cigarettes. In the meantime, he has overdrawn his bank account and is now using his credit cards to buy cigarettes, Meanwhile, I am struggling to pay most of all the household bills. He won't get his SSD check until feb 12. I refuse to buy his cigarettes because I barely have any money left from my pension, and SSA from paying all the bills I have. He is going to ruin me financially on his way out. What a mess.

Yes. Totally ! I am sick of his selfish behaviour. I think true personalities come out in these circumstances.
For my own health, I will only give help if asked nicely and will not converse unless he asks acquisition. Smokes and complains yet not incapicated at all yet

Thank you so much for your response. I am glad that your husband did so well without the treatments. Hoping that my husband does well also. ONce he gets over all these horrendous side affects. The only thing I worry about is that he was not in good physical health to begin with. He has had this lung cancer for a long time and it was just diagnosed in September of last year. He was advised by his pcp to get xrays, etc., but he refused. But still, we will never know what will happen.

Denise,
Perhaps some of the physical problems your husband is having may be due to having both the chemotherapy and immunotherapy. Sometimes it can be too much on your body even if it's supposed to be good for you. Maybe he just needs to give his body a rest for a while. You are right about only God knowing when we die. My husband quit having chemotherapy and immunotherapy and even refused anymore CT scans since they accidentally gave him the wrong medicine and it affected his memory for a while. However, he also lived 14 years with cancer and no treatments. I think it was an answer to all of our prayers.

It's too bad that your husband only believes in God and not Jesus but it's good that at least he believes in God. Don't feel like your husband is going to hell. God is a loving and forgiving God. He understands what your husband is going through now and why he is thinking like he is. God knows that your husband is ill and probably very frightened. What you need to do now is what us Christians are supposed to do and that is pray for your husband. Ask God to help your husband believe in Jesus and that he is the savior. Put everything in God's hands and just have faith. It will work.
I wouldn't call in the pastor. Sometimes they can just be irritating to people who are questioning the Bible. Your poor husband doesn't need anymore stress in is life. He's dealing with enough.
I will continue to pray for both of you also.
PML

Thank you for your kind words and concern. This morning, my husband told me that he has decided not to go through any more chemoimmunotherapy treatments. He has only had about 4 good days since starting the treatments. He has no appetite and just is suffering so much that he just wants it to end. I called the oncology nurse this morning and am waiting for a call back. The oncologist had told him at the beginning, that without treatment he may have 6 months. With treatment, 2 years. But only God knows. One of my biggest fears is that he does not know Jesus. He believes in God, but he does not believe that Jesus performed miracles or that he was born of a virgin. I have tried talking about this with him, but he just gets angry and tells me that I am crazy if I believe all that stuff in the bible. I asked him if he wanted my pastor to come talk to him and he said NO. I might have her come anyhow. Thinking about him going to hell (which he also does not believe in) scares me more than anything. I am not a model christian but I do believe that Jesus is my personal savior although I probably have given him some gray hairs. lol I am a believer. I need to get ready to go to the store before the visiting nurse gets here. Thanks again and take care of yourself.

Denise,
I'm sorry that things are not going well for your husband. His losing weight and throwing up food is concerning. When I said my husband almost died from Keytruda it was because he got pancreatitis which is a side effect of Keytruda. You might want to do research on all of the medications your husband is taking and the treatments such as chemotherapy that he's had to see what the side effects are that may be affecting his physical condition. The Mayo Clinic website is very good for this sort of thing. I used it all the time for my husband. I don't blame your husband for not wanting to get an MRI. That's an awful ordeal to go through. Especially when you are not feeling well.
Do try and get him to drink more water. However, let him have his coffee and cigarettes even though they aren't the best for him. They are probably two of the few pleasures he still has left in life. Don't criticize him for wanting his cigarettes and coffee. Just tell him how much you love him and hug and kiss him a lot. He needs that. Also tell him that you will always be there for him. I told my husband that and it helped him a lot. Your mind plays tricks on you when you are so ill. At one point my husband thought I was going to leave and never come back. I assured him that would never happen and told him how much I loved him and hugged and kissed him a lot.
Keep praying with him. If your husband doesn't want to pray then just hold his hand while you pray with him. God is really all we've ever had in this life and he's all we need. He decides when you are going to die. Doctors as good as they are don't make that decision. Also if your husband does die, he will be up in Heaven with God and Jesus and all the angels and out of his pain and fear; just like my husband was. I hope that doesn't happen with your husband anytime soon. But if it does, you know that you will eventually join your husband in heaven and will be together again. That is what keeps me going day to day. I know sometime in the future I will join my husband up in Heaven when God decides it's my time.
Denise, I wish you and your husband the best and I will keep praying for both of you.
PML