Lung cancer stage 4: Anyone's spouse refuse to help themselves?

Thanks for being so understanding. Yes, I think I am stressed. Even my hair has stopped growing. I got it cut at the last of November and I swear it has not grown an inch. At least it is not falling out. I did make an appt with an ENT but it is not until March 18th. Physically, my husband is not hard to care for. He still makes his own meals and gets his own drinks. If he asks me to get him something, I gladly do it. It is just the waiting. Knowing that one day it will begin to get worse. I do get out of the house when I can. I am supposed to meet some friends on Valentines day for lunch. So, I hope I can go . Today, I am making homemade dog food. It does not save much money but I like doing it for my two mutts. lol Are you married or have children? I have two boys ages 46 and 40. One is married but the other just lives with his girlfriend. No grandchildren. My oldest son and his wife don't want any and my other son's girlfriend is 45 and already raised her 3 boys. So, I had to settle for two granddogs. What part of Arizona do you live in? I have friends that moved out there and they love it. I have never been there. someday, maybe. My girlfriend and I had a trip planned to to go Tennessee last september. The day before we were to leave was when Joe overdosed on his pain pills and had to be intubated and taken by ambulance to the hospital. The next morning, he went into cardiac arrest but they were able to bring him back. Hospice got wise to his drug usage (with a little help from me) and now they will only give him a 3 day supply of pain meds. He brought that on himself. The only thing that I am addicted to is cigarettes. I was trying to quit when all this happened and it just hasn't been a good time to quit. That would just be more stress on me than it is now. I have quit before and it is hard without having any undue stress. I smoke a pack a day and went to the cheap cigs because I can't afford the price of the good ones. Well, none of them are good but my husband continues to pay 11 dollars a pack. But he has nothing else to do or look forward to. He can't go anywhere because he is not strong enough to walk far. He vomits a lot and is only about 90 pounds. HOw does your brother feel about going into a hospice home? We really don't have hospice homes around where I live. Only nursing homes or personal care homes. We live in Avonmore about an hour from Pittsburgh. I am a country girl but my husband grew up in the PIttsburgh area. We each had two different lifestyles from each other. But he said he would never move back to the city. So many cities are dangerous now. Give me my two lane roads and little towns and cows in the fields. 🙂

Vent all you want - we are also being financially squeezed because of our brother's situation and he is not helping us out. So I sympathize with your situation. For you - please relax and get out of the house more often and chill. Sounds like you are experiencing anxiety. Sorry to hear about the Bells Palsy - the last thing you needed. Sounds like your husband and our brother are equally as selfish and self-absorbed, sorry to say! I am 74 and in Arizona. My brother in Michigan. Again he can't talk at all for months now but it sounds like his pain is finally dissapating. The doctors want him in hospice care at a hospital.

Thanks for sharing how you and your sister are doing your family tree. Years ago, I joined ancestry.com and began doing mine, but after awhile, I quit. I did find some interesting things about both sides of the family. Not to poor mouth, I just don't have the money to do that again-at least right now. I had to quit my part time job so I could stay at home with my husband. I miss that extra money right now. My husband has now been overdrawn the last two months because he forgets to write everything down that he spends. Most of his extra money is spent on cigarettes. It would really help me if he would pitch in on paying the household bills but he does not. Well, he does pay for the cable, the oil, and the garbage. He is also paying monthly on the bill for our new furnace, air conditioner and well pump. I pay the mortgage, electric, homeowners insurance and all the taxes. When he is done paying his bills, he usually has around 900 dollars left for the month. I have about 400. And I am the one that buys the groceries, toliet paper, paper towels and all the other household stuff. I also am the one who gets the birthday gifts for the boys and all the christmas presents etc,. When I was working part time, it was doable, but now, it is so hard. He sent me to the store yesterday to buy him 12 packs of cigarettes. Gave me a credit card to use. Well, his credit card did not have enough credit on it for what he wanted and it was declined. so I spent over 100 dollars to buy him his cigarettes. He gets his ssd on next wednesday and I told him that he has to pay me back plus. Thank God for my mom. She is able to help me if I need it. I hate to ask her, but sometimes I have to. I am going to be 70 next month and it makes me angry that I still have to borrow money from her when Joe could be helping me more, Oh, well. Enough of that. Now I am dealing with bells palsy and I need to make an appt with a ENT. Within the last week, I have had two episodes where I choked on tea and was gasping for air before I could finally start to cough and get my breath back. Neither time did Joe come in and check on me. I thought I would die before I began coughing. When I began to cough, I knew I finally was getting air into my lungs. So I am going to go see an ENT. I don't know if if is a complication from the bells palsy or if something else is going on. When it rains, it pours. Thanks for letting me vent. I don't have a sister only two brothers. It is nice that you and your sister have a good relationship. How far away do you live from each other? My brothers and I all live in PA within a half hour of each other and my mom lives right up my driveway. Have a great day and I pray and hope your brother has a good day, too. And also your sister.

One more thing I want to share. For mental and state of mind relief, my sister and I found the perfect escapist way to offset our worries about our brother. We put together our family tree. Seriously - what an enterprise this has been. The things we have learned about our family and our history especially in England (where there are tons of records). And in early America! Oh la la! We both also did our DNA and have confirmed the trees and learned we have tons of cousins out there all over the country and in Canada. I put the trees into powerpoint reports, with pictures of the places and made the life stories of everyone - this way we get to know who they were and what they did. I sent these reports out to my cousins and they were shocked as no one of us knew anything about our great great grandparents and what they did, etc. One great grandfather was in the Revolutionary War in battles from Bunker Hill to Yorktown so we also read all about these battles too. It's very fulfilling. Doing work like that takes you back to the 1600s and 1700s etc. It has been a balm to our minds. Best to you - let's hope for the best for our two men in our lives. PS - your mom may have some good insights to share about your family! Stay happy!

So happy that your brother is getting pain meds now. No one should have to be in physical pain at end of life. Life is tough enough without being sick and in pain. Having cancer is certainly a horrible journey for many people. Especially for people who have taken good care of themselves all their lives. It is not fair, but nothing about life is fair. I am a smoker so if I get cancer it is no ones fault except my own. But in your brothers case, it just isn't right. He is the same age as me but I will be 70 next month. My husband probably be around to see 70 as he is 68 now. But then again, who knows? It is a good thing that your sister and brother are close but it has to be very hard on her too. Dealing with a sick loved one day in and day out is hard. I have stressed so much over my husband that my blood pressure climbed and I got Bells Palsy. Many things can cause bells palsy, stress being one of them. It has been two weeks now. And my husband is not in the horrible shape that your brother is in. I don't know if I could handle dealing with that. I am a wuss, I guess. I try not to worry, but it is hard. But like you said, all we can do is soldier on and pray.

I am hoping that by sharing his story that it will help others. I wish there was a magic bullet for him so he could get well but his doctors have tried everything. He is and has been at home and our sister is taking care of him - in home hospice. She stayed with him after he completed the radiation but then he didn't get well and was taking the additional chemo regimens and falling apart so she has been staying by him since May of last year. For pain the hydro has helped him - thank goodness - but he also takes methadone for pain. He has to take meds in liquid through his stomach tube but they work. Now he is taking Xanax (anti-anxiety medication) as well which gets him to sleep. He can't take fentanyl patches as he has no fat left on his body to absorb that. The things you learn on these cancer journeys. It is very sad as we love him so much. I am still crying every day and am waiting for the phone call. But boy was he stubborn about opiates. The opposite of your husband, it sounds like. Well this is life and we must soldier on. My sister is hanging in there for him, they have been close their entire lives. We need God to bless all of us. I hope his story helps other people. He is 69. It is the HPV form of tongue and throat cancer. Seriously bad cancer. He was totally healthy too. Came out of nowhere.

I am so sorry to hear about your brother. God bless him and you. Glad that he is now taking some pain medicatons. That is what they are for-to help with pain and suffering. He must have a strong spirit to have lived this long without sleep or eating the foods he loves. I would go insane.Do they give him his medicine through an IV? Is he at home or in the hospital? I hope they are giving him strong meds to ease his suffering. Do they know why he can't sleep? I did not think a person could survive that long without sleep. I will pray healing prayers for him and peace and comfort for you. This is such a sad situation. I have two brothers and I can't imagine how I would feel if this happened to one of them. It has to be so hard for you. Again, healing prayers going up for both of you.

I have a brother right now who is probably late stage head and neck cancer. It's a very painful cancer regimen as they give 35 radiation things to the neck/throat area to kill the tumor(s), with chemo. He was racked by pain, got to the point where his throat was filled with blisters. Could not sleep, eat, swallow, hardly talk. Had to get a stomach tube for nutrition. He fought me every step of the way in terms of taking opiates for the pain. He was afraid he would become an addict. Blue collar guy, very fun, has great taste in music, cars. He just fought me on the pain relief. He took ibuprofen instead and then out of the blue he burst a blood vessel in his throat and luckily was saved with two emergency tracheotomies. His doctors said it was because of the ibuprofen. He underwent two more chemo regimens and immunotherapy - no favorable results. Extreme pain but they gave him morphine in the hospital and he relaxed about opiates and takes some hydrocodone now which gives him relief. Finally, after not sleeping for over a year and in constant pain. I don't think there is a way to save him but he is on my mind a lot - he is in another state. People can be so impossible. So in that way I understand what you are dealing with. He could have saved himself so much grief if he just took opiates - now he will never be able to speak again and I miss his voice. He loves coffee - and is beyond fearful of swallowing. And it would make him so happy. Hasn't had a meal in a year. Cancer is hard on the family too. God Bless - take walks too - enjoy some nature!

You are right. I don't know how someone with late stage iv lung cancer can keep going especially with not treatment, smoking 4or 5 packs of cigs a day. Plus the pain meds he is taking. He also has advanced COPD on top of all that plus a stent in his heart when he went into cardiac arrest in september last year. Perhaps he is trying to hurry things along, I don't know, But I do make time for me. I can't just stay home day after day. My mom is 92 and lives above me. Many times I have to take her shopping to the drs, and other things, So, I will try and take care of myself as well as him=if he lets me.

Oh my God - that is crazy! That is way beyond, way beyond normal behavior! And yet he keeps going which is the amazing part of the story. He sounds super addicted. Of course I can't advise anyone dealing with these situations. Somehow you have got to keep yourself together mentally and financially without giving into his stuff. You have got to take care of you first. Period.