Lung cancer stage 4: Anyone's spouse refuse to help themselves?

I have a brother right now who is probably late stage head and neck cancer. It's a very painful cancer regimen as they give 35 radiation things to the neck/throat area to kill the tumor(s), with chemo. He was racked by pain, got to the point where his throat was filled with blisters. Could not sleep, eat, swallow, hardly talk. Had to get a stomach tube for nutrition. He fought me every step of the way in terms of taking opiates for the pain. He was afraid he would become an addict. Blue collar guy, very fun, has great taste in music, cars. He just fought me on the pain relief. He took ibuprofen instead and then out of the blue he burst a blood vessel in his throat and luckily was saved with two emergency tracheotomies. His doctors said it was because of the ibuprofen. He underwent two more chemo regimens and immunotherapy - no favorable results. Extreme pain but they gave him morphine in the hospital and he relaxed about opiates and takes some hydrocodone now which gives him relief. Finally, after not sleeping for over a year and in constant pain. I don't think there is a way to save him but he is on my mind a lot - he is in another state. People can be so impossible. So in that way I understand what you are dealing with. He could have saved himself so much grief if he just took opiates - now he will never be able to speak again and I miss his voice. He loves coffee - and is beyond fearful of swallowing. And it would make him so happy. Hasn't had a meal in a year. Cancer is hard on the family too. God Bless - take walks too - enjoy some nature!

You are right. I don't know how someone with late stage iv lung cancer can keep going especially with not treatment, smoking 4or 5 packs of cigs a day. Plus the pain meds he is taking. He also has advanced COPD on top of all that plus a stent in his heart when he went into cardiac arrest in september last year. Perhaps he is trying to hurry things along, I don't know, But I do make time for me. I can't just stay home day after day. My mom is 92 and lives above me. Many times I have to take her shopping to the drs, and other things, So, I will try and take care of myself as well as him=if he lets me.

Oh my God - that is crazy! That is way beyond, way beyond normal behavior! And yet he keeps going which is the amazing part of the story. He sounds super addicted. Of course I can't advise anyone dealing with these situations. Somehow you have got to keep yourself together mentally and financially without giving into his stuff. You have got to take care of you first. Period.

My husband does still smoke his cigarettes-3-4 packs a day. It is putting a strain on our finances. He has overdrawn his bank account twice now. I am left holding the bag. I don't care if he still smokes, but he should cut down. I can not afford to pick up the slack financially. I smoke, also but I started the cheapest cigarettes I could find because I can't afford the 11 dollar a pack marlboros. And he is on hospice now and twice now he has taken more of the meds they gave him. if he had screwed up again, they were going to withdraw from his care. The nurse said they did not want to do that so they are only giving him 3 days of meds at a time. He od on his oxys in september last year and almost died, While in the hospital for that, he went into cardiac arrest but they brought him back. He has been an addict most of his life abusing his pain pills. He got them legally for back pain but when he would run out, he would get them from someone else. Of course, these transactions happened when I was work. Our marriage has been a struggle. He did not use his pain meds for pain, he used them to get high. I think there is a difference between your situation and his. But hospice is wise to him now, and unless he begins to get them from someone else, he will get a three day supply for the duration, unless he gets to the point where his pain begins to get much worse. He takes oxycodone, oxycontin(morphine) and he also has liquid morphine which he is able to take at any time. So he has plenty of pain meds. And he also smokes marijuana. I don't say anything to him because I don't want him to suffer, but I also don't want him to abuse them. If hospice withdraws, he will be hard pressed to find a doctor who will prescribe him narcotics again. Thanks for your response and I hope you stay well.

Excuse me for jumping in but I have been back and forth with cancer and pain meds. I think it's better to let him decide as no one can know how much pain another person is in. That I have learned. For me they make me happy as do cigarettes. So I stick with doing both. And am happy. I didn't know 4 years ago if I would have made it (had a bad Keytruda reaction) and I have developed pain so I just take them and feel better and happier due to that. I mean why not feel good physically like I did in my 30s - maybe feeling this joy will help me continue to live my life in the best way possible. Ditto for cigarettes. People used to grow poppies and get opium in that way - I think in their tea, to ease older age aches and pains. I think a cancer person should not feel guilt about taking medication for pain. Sometimes people say they are afraid to take opiates I say I take them and am not addicted, I take them all the time (LOL). Life is not always easy. I hope the very best for you and your husband. Prayers to you!

@linaita , It sounds like you have some hard days ahead. Please try to take care of yourself. If you can take a break and get out of the house take advantage of that. Hugs.

I am amazed at how he will lie to his palliative care carers.
Sometimes I console myself that his brain is affected but I doubt it. I feel despair that it has taken 40 years for me to fully accept the true nastiness of this character. How dumb of me!

I hear you. Well, lately, my husband has not beens so demanding. He has been able to get up from his recliner and get his own coffee and make his own food which is usually mcrowaveable. If he does ask me to make him something to eat, will do it, but if he wants to do it himself, maybe that is a good thing. As far as driving or even going outside to get in the car, he can't do it. He is not balanced enough to do that. He does fall at least once a week. We have hopsice involved now and I am glad because they come twice a week to check on him and they count his meds, That is a good thing because he always took double of what they prescribed him, Now they are bringing a lockbox with them on monday and it will cotain 7 sleeves which will hold all the meds that he needs for that day. I have to keep the key so he does not get in there and take more. He is not going to like that. He is used to taking as many as he wanted. He is an addict. But like the nurse explained, they can't really tell how much pain is is really in until they see how he does on the correct amount of pain pills. Then after that they can make adjustments. I can just here him bugging me for more but I will not go against their wishes. He just wants to get high but now he says it is because he is in pain. How would I know if he is telling the truth? He can just call the hospice nurses and plead his case to them. One of the previous responses said that her husband lived 14 more years without treatment. Sorry to say this but I don't think I could handle the next 14 years of my life living like this. God help me. Oh and my husband smokes too, He goes through 100 dollars every 3 or 4 days getting me to buy his cigarettes. In the meantime, he has overdrawn his bank account and is now using his credit cards to buy cigarettes, Meanwhile, I am struggling to pay most of all the household bills. He won't get his SSD check until feb 12. I refuse to buy his cigarettes because I barely have any money left from my pension, and SSA from paying all the bills I have. He is going to ruin me financially on his way out. What a mess.

Yes. Totally ! I am sick of his selfish behaviour. I think true personalities come out in these circumstances.
For my own health, I will only give help if asked nicely and will not converse unless he asks acquisition. Smokes and complains yet not incapicated at all yet

Thank you so much for your response. I am glad that your husband did so well without the treatments. Hoping that my husband does well also. ONce he gets over all these horrendous side affects. The only thing I worry about is that he was not in good physical health to begin with. He has had this lung cancer for a long time and it was just diagnosed in September of last year. He was advised by his pcp to get xrays, etc., but he refused. But still, we will never know what will happen.