Son estranged due to controlling spouse

I have something of the same situation…my daughter has abandoned me and her brother and stepdad, and even her only child who is now a successful adult. Her husband and her son from her first marriage did not get along and she always opted to defend the husband (“we must present a united front”). Her son does not want anything to do with either of them. And they blame me for that (gaslighting? Easier to blame me than take responsibility for the estrangement?) It can be very hard, I agree. Her stepdad and I are now divorced. I won’t say because of this situation, but it didn’t help at all. She and I were very close all through her childhood and young adulthood. I tried to be there for her no matter what she was going through. She’s had a successful career and is soon retiring early from a career that had been her passion. It’s difficult to understand.
My venting probably doesn’t help you. I wish I knew how.
It has been easier since I moved away. I can’t imagine how I would manage if I lived as close as you do.
I pray for her, for us, a lot.

Update: my son sent me a Mother’s Day card. It is lovely. He expressed he thinks of me often and is thankful for all the love and support I provided through the years. I was shocked to say the least. I know he won’t call & I won’t see him on Mothers Day. He lives 10 minutes from me which is very tough.
I know deep down he misses me. I also know deep down things will not change. I’m not sure what to do. I’ll thank him for the card of course and I’ll save the card forever.

Situations like this are so hard. I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. There are no words to describe the pain this causes. My only offering is to live your life as well as you can for you. Don’t tolerate anything less than genuine love, kindness and respect. We all deserve that. 💖

Sometimes, in very difficult situations, where we are not the party involved, it is still a good idea to go into counseling with a therapist.

Then we can brainstorm with the therapist about possible ways to make progress with the situation.

In a deeply complex and involved problem like this one, I think some professional advice about what to do, might help.

Very sorry about the problems.

Take care now.

So here I am in the same boat with all of you. My younger son has basically kicked me out of his family. When my granddaughter was getting married, he told me "Do not make plans to come to the wedding. You are not welcome." My husband died 2-1/2 years ago. We had to postpone the funeral due to Covid. When I was finally ready and able to make arrangements, he and his wife, granddaughter and husband, and grandson all came. However they did not even stay in the same town where I am living. My husband was a Korean War veteran and I made arrangements to have him buried in a national cemetery, which was his wish. When I asked my son if he would be driving me and his father's ashes to the cemetery I was told in no uncertain terms that I would have to get there by myself. There were no displays of warmth at all at the funeral. So after much thought I made changes to our Trust. He is removed as Trustee and as an heir. I do have another son, who, although living far away, has been supportive.

Very very sorry about the difficulties. Honoring your husband's service.

Unfortunately these kinds of problems in families are common. I have them in my own family.

Shakespeare's King Lear discusses these things.

I have tried family counseling. It has helped some. Did not really change things, but did calm down the intensity of the problems.

And even if you can't bring the family into therapy, getting into therapy itself, always helps some.

take care now

I will have to consider therapy again. It sounds like it has helped. Limited resources where I live but I haven’t “searched” for a therapist since the pandemic. That was a tough time, wasn’t it?
Thank you all for your words and reassurances. I feel easier about the situation with my daughter because of them, though I know I need help…

Thank you. It means a lot to hear your words. I am trying to take care of myself first, though it doesn’t come naturally to me. I just feel so alone sometimes.

It is so hard when relationships are not what they should be.
It is nearly impossible to deal with emotionally as well as intellectually.
Basically, so hard to just let it go. I don't think one ever does.
Creating a life filled with people who care makes a big difference, i would think. That is not always easy.
Pets are truly wonderful; innocent, loving, accepting and great companionship.

I’m watching a situation pretty much the same as you describe and I never would have thought it would be something like that to a very close family for them to have to deal with.
On Therapy: it’s good to talk to someone and hear their views on it but you are the one that has to sort through all those ideas and suggestions and choose the proper direction. I’ve been going through a Grief Share class for close to a year after losing my wife or 58 years and it helped me see and understand the things that I was going through which has helped. This was through my church and taught through a Christian view point which is the way I live anyway. If it doesn’t line up with God’s word I throw it out. Everything has to be based on “the right thing”.
This was a version of therapy like you are thinking about but Therapy is similar to having a GPS in your car, it is an invaluable tool BUT you must have and use some logic and common sense or it will sometimes take you places you don’t want to go. You have to know enough to override the dangerous info even though it may be directionally correct. Same with therapy.
Prayer and your quiet time reading the KJV Bible and Christian books on life’s challenges is actually the key to changing things in our lives. If you pray, learn to pray better, let your prayer time grow. Consider getting a legal pad and hand write your prayers. This takes time and requires thought and those thoughts will pull things out of your heart and place them in front of our Lord. It makes a difference. These problems that were meant to destroy you will only make you a stronger person if you take it all to the Lord. I know, my unsurmountable problems in life then and even now in today’s business world are just child’s play to the Lord. I cast them all upon Him.