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Relationships: How do you form and maintain them when ill?
How does a sick person form, and maintain, healthy and sustainable relationships with others, platonic and non-platonic?
The human existence baffles me. I enjoy observing and studying it. It brings up a lot of questions.
Being introverted, and having been raised by a parent that had a pathological level of introversion, I have settled into a “fly on the wall” kind of existence. This frees you up to pay attention to what and who is around you. It makes me ask so many questions, most of them being “why” or “how” questions.
I understand that we are social beings, we are built that way. I also understand that our social interactions can have negative or positive effects or both.
I have seen compassion fatigue, I have seen burnout, and I have seen resentment come from a place where love and care formerly was.
So how does a sick person form and sustain healthy relationships? Healthy for both parties. Where do we draw the line between accepting care and love from someone dear to your, and taking or asking too much from a person?
I am drained and exhausted by all this, and I have had a lifetime of experience with this, what will it do to a person new to it? Will it not crush the person? How do I know that 2 or 5 years from now, this person won’t look at me and think that I robbed them of their youth? Is it fair to ask any of this of a person? The hospital visits, the in-hospital stays, the up and down over medication, insurance etc, the pain, the insomnia, the cancelled dates and activities, the not being able to get out of bed, the needing help with cleaning and cooking and errands. It seems more like a “you love me, and now you must pay for my care” situation, with the payment being in many forms (financial, time, energy, etc). How do you do that? Offload ‘too much’ on a person in the name of love? How do you exist in a dynamic in which you are the sun and therefore life must revolve around you? How do you take care of the other person? What can you offer or give in place of all that you are taking and all that you cannot do? Aren’t relationships supposed to be two-way streets?
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Staying in a foreign country where I study is an option, I am keeping an open mind so I would explore the idea of another place, depending on what both places have to offer.
Here we are convinced that most things are better in the US. I guess the human affliction is the human affliction wherever you go.
Have you considered moving to Portugal or Panama?
I have given myself up to 2026 to figure this out. By then I should know what I will study and where.
My mother tells me I sound young, with a certain look on her face. I am 29, technically, that is young.
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1 ReactionThere is a rudimentary plan, it needs a bit more developing. The visits being in the country I live in makes things easier and cheaper, so it has that advantage.
That's nice. So you have some familiarity with Africa? I am Zambian, it is in central/southern Africa, at the southern border of the DRC.
The French village sounds lovely. I want to live in a simple place like that some day.
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2 ReactionsI wonder why we do that, put honouring the other person over honouring ourselves? An uncomfortable question that i have asked myself about that is, "do we believe ourselves to be inferior or lacking in some significant way that we give so much to try and earn the other person's favour, as though they are going out of their way to perform a kindness to us by being with us?
I am also on the autism spectrum. I keep wondering why my parents didn't have that looked into when i was a child because the signs have always been there. Sometimes I think I have figured out a social situation, then I find out that I was completely wrong. The people who know me well have a 'debriefing session' with me before I walk into situations that will be hard for me to understand, and they run me through what is appropriate and what isn't.
It sounds like you have figured out a way to work around being sick. Great job!
Do the cytotoxics for your cancer help with lupus control?
It is beyond cool. You have found your people.
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2 ReactionsI want to send you a million hugs.
I am sorry for your suffering.
It is good that you know what you want to do. Do you have everything you need?
Have you succeeded in finding meaning and understanding?
Life has taught me that being sick is not everything there is to life, some of my happiest times have also been my sickest times.
Respond however you can respond, be it directly or indirectly. I still choose honesty over being direct or indirect.
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4 ReactionsGood Evening in Zambia. It is 11 a.m. here in Florida, USA.
My familiarity with Africa is non existant. Only in South Africa and through my first husband, as said. He lived with his English family, the father being a high ranking officer in the British Military and he attening boarding school in South Africa. The family lived just outside of Johanasberg. I have not been there but have watched "Out of Africa" soo many times. Once long ago I had an opportunity to go with a friend to live for six months and declined the invitation. It is somewhere I've always wanted to visit and perhaps live in the most southern part of South Africa. It is, sadly, now too late for that adventure and I know nothing of the politics in your country or those of South Africa at this writing.
I loved my short time in Portugal but, again, I was married to a Frenchman and there is where we moved and lived for a few years until God decided he needed him. Before we moved to the South of France we spent 3 months driving around Europe with no itinerary and loved the freedom of that; experiencing the different cultures, their costumes, customes and the food, of course.
I know nothing of the dating sites you mentioned. I am sorry. Good luck with that and be careful as I have found that people lie about their age, education, weight (especially) and are incluned to post photos that are anything but current. I could write a book about the "Do's and Dont's" of dating.
I believe that the year you have selected for your life style change is too far away. You are 29 and in my opinion it is time to put on your Big Girl Panties and get on with your studies and life in general. Have you considered Switzerland with many small, charming villages? I have stayed in several. A beautiful country and your French would be accepted as well as the other languages you speak.
A bit ago this morning I asked my husband to read the last two days of what you have written and he and I agree that your eloquence and maturity is amazing. This leads me to say to you that if I were as talented as you appear to be I would strongly consider becoming a writer. Only you know the topics with which you are familiar and most comfortable. One quick start would be your local newspaper as a contributer or a columinist - or begin a book. Obviously writing a book can be done anywhere you choose that offers the solitude you desire. I honestly believe you have this talent.
Again, I must say that the United States, at this time, is not a peaceful place and gender and color have somehow taken hold of many Americans including the politicians and the bitterness and attitude I see is not only frightening but very sad. This may pass or not. I discourage you from coming here as crime is high and as stated ratial issues are out of hand. This is sad but true, my friend. If I am remembering correctly your mother is close to you and I hope she is guiding you. I am trying to guide you as well and I am at an age that I quality for that position.
It is now almost noon here. I have put chicken thighs, red skin potatoes, muchrooms and it is swimming in a Parmason and Roasted Garlic salad dressing - all in the crock pot.
It is always such a pleasure to communicate with you. I hope to hear from you again soon. Enjoy what you may have put in your crock pot for your evening meal. Judith...please excuse any miss spelled words. Spell check is not automatic on my PC. Ciao for now Tabitha.
It is 6:30 p.m. here Tabatha and I want to leave my PC for the evening with a thought for you.
"Climb every rainbow until you reach your dreams."
Have a good night,
Judith
@buzz23 My lupus is a fairly mild condition, in my opinion. I have severe joint pain, sunlight interaction, and fatigue. The high protein in my urine has always been present, but they think it might be a sign of my kidney disease.
Ginger
Hi Judith,
Your meal sounds lovely. The other day, I was telling someone how I cook like that. I chop up everything, throw it all in one pot, and go and nap.
Don't worry about the spellings, as long as I understand what you are saying, we are good. Where I do not understand, I will ask for clarification.
The state of things in the US sounds very worrying. I did not know it was that bad. I will definitely look elsewhere. I had not considered Switzerland, but I will now.
The year 2026 was arrived at because my current grad school program ends next year, so I cannot move this year or next year. I will mostly be working on my research next year, I need to be here. I could start planning my move next year though, instead of deferring it to 2025, and move in 2025. I would have to look for a new job though. If I move in 2026 and I move for school, I get to 'keep' my job here for the duration of the PhD program. I would like to have my salary coming in when moving because I don't know what the situation would be with my meds and healthcare in a new country. I would then search for a job there.
You and your husband are sweet. I actually do write. I am in the process of writing 2 books, one is a poetry-adjacent book (both fiction and non-fiction, and the other is a diary of sorts.
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2 ReactionsToo bad that seeing Africa isn't a possibility for you now. It is an intriguing place. I have been here my whole life and it still makes me stop in my tracks at times. Movies and documentaries don't do it justice, there is so much about it, it is impossible to accurately depict all of it, the good and the bad.
I am close to my mother, though we sometimes get very busy and don't get to spend as much time as we would like together. And she does guide me, a lot. Sometimes her guidance is a no, she looks at me and informs me she has decided on my behalf. Most of the time, she gives counsel and perspective.
Yes, you definitely qualify to give counsel and guidance, fairy godmother Judith.
The dating apps. People seem to be growing more and more mischievous and deceitful, especially online. I am very restrictive of how much information I have shared on the apps. I have also stated that I am looking for friendship, not hookups or love. I am a very cautious person with dating. I need to know at least 1 reliable person in common with a guy, and said reliable person should know the guy well (plus where he lives and/or works), for me to go out with a guy. My last therapist was very concerned about this, apparently I need to learn how to take risks on people.
Please do share the dos and don'ts you have gathered thus far.
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1 ReactionI love that thought. Thank you.