My partner thinks my depression is a cop out

in reply to @kendrick55 I am so sorry for your boyfriend's lack of sensitivity. I think that in general, men don't understand depression or are unwilling to acknowledge that it exists, perhaps even in their own lives. If you have been in long term relationship with him, I would imagine leaving him would be difficult; however, I would give some serious thoughts about "your needs." You are important enough. Oh god. I had a boyfriend MANY years ago and he used to tell me that "having sex" was nothing more than sticking is "you know what" in a coke bottle. Suffice to say, I gave him up, and get a dog. Can he provide you with some physical comfort without "doing it?"
I hope things get better for you soon.

Any time someone doesn’t feel well be it physical or mental, it stands to reason a person may not be able to be with them in that way or any way. Depression is no matter to dismiss. Please try to discount what he is saying because it’s just wrong.

Be sure to take meds if you do, continue therapy if you do, address this with the medication management doctor so they know what you are dealing with and can help devise a helpful strategy to diffuse the situation.

His being this way won’t encourage you, is selfish and won’t help the situation. That is manipulative to try to guilt you into doing something you are not ready to.

I used to be with someone who only thought those kinds of doctors do is give drugs. He didn’t want me to get help so I didn’t. I suffered. I got help after I left him and discovered a lot. One thing is that SOME are foolish and not really loving and SOME care and are loving. There is a stark contrast between now and my ex.

Without focusing on him, focus on getting well yourself. If you get fixated on him you could fall through the cracks.

I’m sorry this is happening to you.

I hope you feel better very soon.

💜

@kendrick55 I married someone like that for 18 yrs, but finally got the courage to divorce and never have regretted the decision for I left for my health and he had nothing in response to that. However, with the help of my therapist I made a plan. When I was ready then executed it by telling him I wanted a divorce. All I can say that his type of thinking will not change but just worsen over time to his selfish way of thinking which, as you said, makes you feel worse. It’s those baby steps we take for our own life which are the building blocks in getting one’s life back. My prayers are with you.

Hello @kendrick55 and welcome to Mayo Connect. I read your post and also read some of the many helpful comments from @marjou @nemo1 and @frances007. We can all understand to some degree what you are experiencing, especially if you are financially or emotionally dependent on this individual. If that is the case, it makes your situation even more difficult.

As the others have mentioned, you will need support in order to feel better. If you can reach out to a counselor either through your church or other community sources that would be good. Also, as mentioned previously, medication might help you feel stronger.

If you are already doing that, you might consider adding a support group to your personal care team. NAMI is an organization that can help with this. They offer support groups for people who suffer from anxiety and depression as well as for their care partners (if they are willing to get support). I would encourage you to find a group where you can talk about these issues.

Here is the website for NAMI where you can find a support group nearby, https://www.nami.org/Support-Education/Support-Groups.

Will you post again and let me know how you are doing?

I feel badly that your partner is subjecting you to what (in my opinion) amounts to emotional and psychological abuse.
You need support and understanding.

While I am not a professional in the fields that deal with psychological issues, I do know from first hand experience that depression is not a condition that happens to you by choice, nor can it be willfully made to "disappear" and thus make you feel in control of your emotions and psychological wellbeing. And if you are on an antidepressant, be aware that they can seriously dampen sexual drive. I am not on any medication because my system reacts horribly to several that I'd been prescribed in the past.

Sometimes even people who claim to love us may fall into the trap of voicing the dumbest and most hurtful comments. Have you shared how his comments make you feel? If not, I encourage you to find the strength to engage in a non-explosive, non-confrontational conversation. I hope that he can open his mind and heart, and LISTEN while aiming to UNDERSTAND. Perhaps he can even realize the need to apologize for hurting you, and work together on healing the wounds that he has created.

Intimacy can be created on various levels. What is HE investing in the relationship and in making you feel not only wanted but also appreciated? My husband and I will celebrate our 53rd anniversary this year. I still leave little "notes" on his placemat, buy him his favorite dark chocolate, and although I detest all seafood, I prepare salmon and shrimp dishes just for him. He reciprocates as well, but we do so "just because" and not with announcements of "see what I've done for you..." We hold hands often, even in public. Soft kisses that are meant to just say "I notice you and am so glad to have you in my life..." Coming up from behind while I'm in the kitchen and hugging me, with a whispered "Have I told you today that I love you?" Playing oldies but goodies and slow dancing, reminiscing about the night we met at a church dance. A wink from across the room...these are examples of just simple ways to say "I love you and am so happy that you love me."

Does this mean that we never have moments of arguments? Of course not! We are human beings, not robots. But when calm again reigns, we make the time to make amends. And we accept that although important, sex in and of itself is not what makes or breaks a relationship. Have a conversation with your partner on how TOGETHER you can find your own ways for showing appreciation and prepping the brain to signal sensuality to each other. Perhaps couples therapy would be something to consider. If you are in therapy, do open up to your therapist.

This is all I can offer to you, and I hope that at least some of what I've written is of some value to you.
Bottom line, you have to find the strength to speak up for yourself and get your partner to realize that you are not using withholding intimacy as a weapon against him. Think and plan it out before you approach the conversation.

Remember: Communication, honesty, and openness are all essential within relationships.
I wish you success, and tell you again that I truly commiserate because I've suffered from major depressive disorder pretty much my entire life. 💝🤗

Most people who've not had depression don't understand, can't relate, and don't know what to say. When I had it, a family member told me "You have a lot to be thankful for so you can snap out of it". Well, then I felt depressed AND guilty. That was like telling a diabetic to produce more insulin. They can't. Change, even if it's positive, can precipitate an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain, causing clinical depression. It's not our fault and, thankfully, there are many meds and other treatment options. What helped me the most was TMS, transcranial nerve stimulation, that targets the part of the brain that deals with mood. Best wishes as you explore these different options. Never give up.

I must make a correction to my above post about TMS treatments for depression. TMS stands for Transcranial Magnetic (not nerve) Stimulation. When I first heard of them I was very skeptical, but willing to try anything to feel better. After the series of treatments I am so grateful to be feeling like my old self again. Before them, it felt fake to laugh; Now, when I laugh, it is genuine and frequent. I'd like to know how you're doing because I care.

Thank you for the comment. I hope things get better too!

I am seeing a therapist and have been on medications for my depression over 10 years now. I find it hard to cope some days and right now I have doubts that the relationship will get better. Financially I can't make it without him and he knows this. I feel trapped in this relationship. But thank you all for your comments and recommendations. I plan to follow up on the link you provided. Thank you

in reply to @kendrick55 Do you happen to read the Washington Post? There is a weekly/daily column written by Carolyn Hax, and she recently answered a question that reminded me of your situation. She really is quite terrific in terms of the feedback she gives to questions written by her readers. When I read your story I was thinking about one of her recent columns that mirrored your story, as her advice to the reader was: "he is not going to change and you have to decide whether or not his insensitivity is going to be acceptable to you in the long run." Many readers posted comments following that response, and the general consensus was the same.