Memory loss causing marital problems

@kimkeith Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. When we live alone, we develop habits and lifestyles that fit us, and we rarely see how that might affect others, since there is noone there to bounce those actions against.

I'm sorry to hear your memory issues are causing concerns in your new marriage. Have you spoken kindly and openly with your husband about your forgetfulness? Do you think it might be an aftereffect of medication or procedures from the breast cancer? What have the both of you been able to discuss on how to deal with the concerns? Perhaps if you give us a couple of examples of what you are experiencing, we can offer suggestions for coping and remedying the issues?
Ginger

Good evening@kimkeith, my name is Chris and I am currently facing the very same situation. Actually, I am very happy to meet you because I think we can possibly help each other with the challenging issues that begin to appear when even mild cognitive impairment issues threaten an otherwise wonderful new relationship.

Here is an example from a couple of days ago. We were headed to Rochester, MN for an appointment at the Mayo Clinic. About five miles down the road, I realized I couldn't find my cell phone. We had to turn around and go back to find it. In the process of packing and trying to make sure I had all of my forms, notes, and medications in preparation for my appointment, I lost track of my phone. What made it worse was that when we got to the house, he called my phone to "hear" where it was. Wouldn't you know it, it was in my overnight bag which was already in the car.

And that is just one occasion. In any given day, we may have several "memory incidents". Also, because of my neuropathic pain, and numbness in my feet, sometimes I just cannot drive to my therapy appointments. He has to stop whatever he is doing to take me and then find something to do for an hour. He now calls himself......" just a transporter".

Neither of us wants to damage our wonderful relationship. So here are some things we are trying.
1. I got a referral for a series of tests from a psychologist. He came to the presentation of the results and found it very helpful.
2. We are still working on a way to maintain a joint calendar so we don't forget an appointment. This is a tough one and we are hoping to do better.
3. I am seeing a Behavioral Therapist to learn how to do things like manage my medications. She has helped me set up a system that keeps me on track "most" of the time. However, when I miss an important medication, we both pay the price. He has said he cannot be responsible for medications.
4. We are on a waitlist for a "couple" therapist which should begin in a few weeks. That can open some doors and keep us on an even keel more often.
5. I want him to know that I am not taking him for granted or depending on him to be responsible for my well-being. I picked up a pamphlet at Mayo about caregiving entitled "Taking care of yourself". He tells me he gets very stressed when it becomes obvious that I am struggling and looking to him for assistance.
6. Finally, we say goodnight with backrubs. We both love them and it is the perfect way to end the day.

Please let me know if any of these activities have value or need more explanation. Perhaps you can share some of your findings with me if you are comfortable doing so........

May you be safe, protected and free from inner and outer harm.
Chris

I have memory problems from medical issues. One thing I do...is I put every single thing in the same exact place, every single time.

That has saved me enormous grief. Before I finally surrendered to doing that, I was constantly losing items and endlessly searching for them.

And, I keep a notebook of current tasks...so that if I forget what I am supposed to do, I can go back to the book and reference what I forgot.

And, in that book, I put endless notes on what to do and what needs to be done, etc.

Another thing I have done is create not just a To Do list, but also a To Do list by the hour, daily. Generally, for me, I actually block it out in blocks of 2 hours, rather than hourly.

But that has also helped.

I got therapeutic massage for injuries from a car accident. In getting that therapy, I learned a lot about massage. And I have used this to help connect with my wife. So, yes, I think back rubs are a great idea! It is soothing, peaceful, reduces stress and a very nice way to connect with your spouse / partner. You know, sometimes, we are so stressed that verbal communication just becomes filled with tension.

But human touch comes without ideas and the worry that can exist in communicating with words.

Has helped tremendously!

Note: As someone with back injuries, I would say...if your partner has a back injury, definitely consult with a medical professional about any dos and don'ts regarding giving back rubs. I am pretty sure, if you give a very light massage and very gently, maybe avoid a few areas, almost anyone can safely receive a back massage.

When we encounter new problems in our life...and serious problems, we face two obstacles. One is the problem itself. The other is how that problem creates a kind of hopelessness that there aren't any solutions.

But we don't have to surrender to that idea.

Every problem we encounter is just the start of a journey towards solutions.

I have known many profoundly disabled people, with huge limitations, who, nevertheless have very fulfilling relationships.

Fully 25% of the US population is disabled. You are not alone.

As a disabled person myself, I have gotten into couples counseling to help support me. It has been enormously helpful. My wife and I have been together for 23 years now.

Counseling is really just a conversation with a caring friend.

If your partner is unwilling to engage with couples counseling, I would still get into counseling yourself, to create some support for the difficulties that you are encountering.

Very very sorry for all the problems.

But, there is always hope, even if it takes some work to discover where that hope lies.

Take care now.

Hi @kimkeith, I wanted to check in with you. How are you doing?

Sorry for taking so long to respond. Dang cancer!!!!! My problem isn’t forgetting to take medication or misplacing things it’s more of I forget what we have talked about & decisions that were made during that discussion. He feels like I’m depending on him to be my memory. We had a big fight yesterday because I forgot a decision we had had made so when I asked him the same question again he got mad. This is what we fight about. I don’t know what I can do to help improve it. I have been taking tamoxifen & I have read that it can cause memory loss. I get to quit taking it next month so I’m hoping & praying that my memory improves at least a little bit.

I wish there was counseling that we could do online that focuses on memory loss & helps our partners cope with it.

Hi Dear Friend,
I hed brain surgery for partial epilepsy 13 years ago. I was told I would have some short-term memory-loss, but it was nowhere near how bad and frustrating it would be. I constantly misplace my cell phone or glasses or keys or wallet, etc.! Today I checked my calendar on my cell phone and put it down. Just 2 or 3 minutes later I needed it again to write an email, but totally forgot where it was. I freaked out, went running around the apartment, every room, going nuts, fearing it may have fallen out of my pocket outside somewhere (I had just returned from a hour long walk with friends). Then it occurred to me that it must be inside because I just used it to check my calendar. So I looked in the kitchen and there it was... right in front of my eyes on the stove. This is a constant problem I have to deal with. It also upsets my wife, but she generally understands. Remember, you are not alone. 🙂

I was having brain fog with tamoxifen. When we lowered the dose, it went away! So there’s hope!

But I know forgetfulness is a typical aspect of aging, so I may be dealing with it again down the road.
For myself, the way I plan to manage it is by using technology. Not sure whether you like using phone apps, calendars, messaging, etc. Our lives are only going to get more intertwined with technology and I plan on embracing it while I still have the brain cells to form habits. Whether we like it or not, so much of our world is being handled on the internet and that will only increase.
I keep my phone with me pretty much 24/7. I don’t lose it very often because I check myself as I go through the day to make sure I carry it with me, I have a slim zipper bag made for runners (not me) that I can put my phone in if I don’t have pockets,
Small decisions are more difficult to track, but I add items to my calendar all the time to keep up with things my husband and I decided or plan to do. I use January 1 as a place to save things I need to do that don’t come up very often, or the 1st of the month. I’m trying to get into the habit of referring back to those days if I can’t remember.
For instance, if you decided to buy some plants next time you’re out - I add it to the first of the month that I think we’ll go buy them. If either of you jot down notes as you talk, you can take a photo of it to refer back to.
I plan on trying to use the reminders app. The more things you can systemize now the easier it will be to rely on the habit when you’re older.
I apologize in advance if I have mentioned memory areas that are not helpful to you, I don’t know if any of these ideas would help you.
I’m sending good wishes that when you’re off tamoxifen this issue will clear up!