Medical abandonment and abuse. C-PTSD, MDD ADHD, panic

I grew up around drug/alcohol addiction, and was abused as a child. Both mother and father have addiction issues and was abandoned by my mother with a physically and psychologically abusive father. Since age 10 I saw much death and suffering caused by drug and alcohol abuse. My experience and trauma from childhood I may be haunted by, but fortunately I was exposed at a young age so I always had to survive every moment. The police, school, and therapists always gave my family the benefit of the doubt so talking or expressing my experiences or emotions has always had negative consequences for me. I had difficulty making and maintaining friendships and relationships in my life so I always felt alone and lonely. The only aspect of my childhood that affected me was the untreated ADHD, anxiety and depression caused me to feel anhedonic since age 10.

At age 20 I actually found the woman I loved which I never believed I was capable of establishing. Having finally felt connection and positive emotions for the first time It was overwhelming at first.I must’ve drove her crazy with all of my quirks and impulses but understanding and patience were a requirement for me in your life. She grew up in a worse situation as a child which contributed to her patience and understanding. I unfortunately lost her after she passed away at age 23, and this has affected me to this day.

When I started college I couldn’t read at an elementary level and my issues with focusing and concentration made it impossible to perform academically, causing me to take 7years to achieve my associates degree. I never believed or thought I had issues with depression or ADHD and anxiety until I went to a psychiatrist who diagnosed and treated me. The treatment were highly effective and I was able to increase my GPA from a 2.1 to a 3.81.

The only issue was, my psychiatrist would often yell at me for not taking a medication that caused me to be nonfunctional and were for a disorder I didn’t have. I changed psychiatrist who was at first helpful but would often threaten me for not taking the same medication for bipolar disorder, which I did not have. I changed my psychiatrist again who I saw for 7 years at first she lowered and changed medications I was already on which caused me to drop out of school, and she would often lie to me. She then began blaming me for the mistakes she made, and after I lost everything, and paid over 130,000 overtime she refused to treat me for depression and would only treat the ADHD. She then began gaslighting me and attempted to extort me. I became suicidal because with the lonliness, hopelessness, helplessness and having no one to talk to things became permanently dark. I wasn’t able to make it to work anymore and became unemployed since a year ago due to the depression and having caused me to undergo a suicidal episode and panic my psychiatrist fired me during the episode. I made an attempt on my life because there is no help or hope for me. She fired me without medication or referral to another provider and after explaining this issue to 3 more providers was rejected because they believe my past experience has caused psychiatry to be a trigger for me. I have never had and issue with drug or alcohol abuse/addiction and have never used anything recreationally or been drunk/high.

I am often told I need to be treated for ADHD, depression and anxiety. I have no one left to talk to, no friends or family, and am unable to find a provider who is willing to listen to me let alone treat me. I have a deep hatred towards myself and anyone in the medical field. I have no intention or desire to go after anyone but this is why I am heavily conflicted with even attempting to reach out anymore.