Living (really living) with BPD

Posted by katydid43 @katydid43, Nov 18 4:48pm

CW/TW mention of suicide:
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I am someone who was diagnosed later in life, while inpatient, but by a therapist who knows me well. I watched a lot of Dr. Foxs videos and am doing his workbook.
I have struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life, but this all came to be earlier this year after I, feeling like I was truly dying from the inside, made an attempt on my life. And when I read about it, the “quiet” subtype, so much fit.
I’m a mom. I have kids grown and gone, and kids that are many years away from leaving the nest.
I’ve cycled through 22 psych meds in about 30 years (yes my parents medicated me at 12, probably bc I was a normal kid in puberty but I digress)
I don’t know how to continue on this way. Every emotion feels debilitating. My chest literally aches and every thought is about how I did xyz wrong, either 5 minutes or years ago. How I haven’t been good at things or thinking everyone else is thinking about how terrible I look or how I’ve not been the best mother etc etc.
During the same month I was diagnosed my husband filed for divorce, let the month to month lease go, and got an apartment with my two younger kids.
He put his paycheck into a new account and I was there, inpatient, finding out I was now homeless, unemployed, and with no access to money. He didn’t do it because it was unfounded - I tried to take my life, I was a mess. And he wasn’t. I’m not angry at him.
However, while I wait for disability benefits that may not even come, I am sleeping on his couch. It is humiliating and humbling and I do accept my role in this.
I’m in treatment (outpatient) for a few more weeks. I cry at any moment I’m alone. I feel terrified of everything. I feel like there is no point to me being here. Before my attempt, I isolated so badly, and I cut ties with my nuclear family over their constant BS and honestly not supportive of me or my big kids as we don’t practice the same religion or politics.
I can’t work at the moment and so my life is fulfilled by my hours each day with my kids. And that is all. Not as in, they are not enough, but I also know that I need a network, a hobby, and some way to GET OUT of my head and the constant self sabotaging and ruminating.
I guess I’m hoping someone here can offer any advice or even just support in sharing the diagnosis and any knowledge they may have. Thank you.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Mental Health Support Group.

meryw | @meryw | Nov 18 8:19pm

Hello. First and foremost, please know you are not alone! I have BPD as well and have also cycled through many many meds. I’m currently struggling with hopelessness and suicidal ideation. I am also determined to come back to a place where I feel healthier. I’ve done it before and I will do it again. I think as we get older (I’m 61) things just get harder. Maybe it’s the accumulation of a lifetime of hurting or maybe it’s bad brain chemistry. Who knows? I guess it doesn’t really matter. What matters is knowing that there are other people out there who understand your pain and suffering and want to help. We can live with this and have longer and longer periods of time when we are at peace. I just had a good 10 years and that was probably the longest period of relative stability I’ve had since I was 12. I’ll get it back. And so will you. Hold on to the people who love you and stop feeling humiliated by circumstances that are out of your control. You have a disease. There are treatments for it. Good treatments. Better treatments as time passes. I have just started Vraylar and I’m hoping that it will help. If it doesn’t, I’ll try something else. Because killing your self is the ultimate punishment to the people who love you. Deep down inside you probably don’t want to do that to your kids. I hope you find some peace, and I hope you know that even though I don’t know you, I care about you because you’re a fellow human with BPD.
Mery

Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Nov 18 8:28pm

@katydid43, it takes a lot to write out your story here. That shows strength. I'm tagging @aneesa2632m and @msmerz, who may have some experience with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) to share with you.

Katy, I'm glad you're in treatment and that you have a place to stay at the moment. In addition to sharing here, there are a few other resources that may be helpful as you build your support network.

NAMI has support groups, helpline and more https://www.nami.org/support-education/ and https://www.nami.org/support-education/nami-helpline/

FindHelp https://www.findhelp.org/ can help find local low cost and no cost resources including things like housing, food, support, care and more.

You're not alone.

katydid43 | @katydid43 | Nov 18 9:20pm

Thank you much. I actually plan to attend my local NAMI group next week, and I have applied to a lot of things through find help. 🙂 I appreciate you.

katydid43 | @katydid43 | Nov 18 9:39pm

In reply to @meryw "Hello. First and foremost, please know you are not alone! I have BPD as well and..." + (show)

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Something you said resonated with me about more difficult as we age - and for so long, it was a dx of treatment resistant depression and anxiety. And, I was notorious for always “taking things personally.” And I did, but honestly, I’m a highly sensitive person and there are stories of me not wanting my stuffed animals to be in the dark lol. It got so much worse as I aged. I was a very young mother, and again a very “old” mother (if you go by society’s rules which I try not to. 😉)
I grew up with a parent who was a psychotherapist until 2000, and said parent tells me often that I don’t have ANYTHING I’m diagnosed with bc they would know! (Mental health hasn’t progressed in 25 years I guess)
And the diagnosis or name or whatever doesn’t mean anything to me. But now, now I see my patterns and the path of … debris, bc it sounds better than destruction 😣
One thing I admit to is lack of patience - with myself,
So I just am in a mindset of why did I say that? Why did I do that? Was it really how I feel? Are they mad at me? My therapist is going to tell me I’m hopeless. And on and on and on. The obsessing and worrying I do about every move I make, every word I speak or think, is exhausting.
I’m really grateful for you sharing firsthand experience that it is possible to achieve alleviation of most symptoms. Thank you.

smugzs | @smugzs | Nov 30 12:48am

I can relate... Not personally, but through family relationships. I just want to say that you are heard, and seen, and in this world, you have a lot to accomplish, and a lot you can and deserve to do