Partner has intermittent explosive disorder, verbally oppressive

Posted by kyjimbo51 @kyjimbo51, Jul 6, 2012

Ever take a trip with someone who exhibits road rage? Just the thought of driving somewhere with my partner causes my stomach to hurt. If the insurance payment withdrawn from our checking account is wrong he starts screaming and cursing. I try to stay calm, never engaging in elevated reactions but that doesn’t seem to help. He has never become violent, just verbal but that has become oppressive. I know his family has a history of abuse. I am entering into some serious depression because of the situation . I know I should probably leave but pets and the thought of bankruptcy are keeping me here.

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My partner has a similar tendency to “blow up”. He is not physically violent, but he is very fast to curse and yell when something bothers him. A stubbed toe generates enough noise to make me come running for fear he’s broken a limb, or chopped off a finger. I find myself telling him that the driver that cut him off is not the one he is punishing since I am the person he is exposing to his rage. It has taken years, but at this stage, I can usually get him to cut the yelling short. That said, I am with him for the long term as he has many good qualities, which are not diminished by a few flaws. I adore him… after more than ten years and two kids! However, if you feel the need to leave, you should not let financial concerns hold you back. If you do, then, you are staying from fear, not love, and that will color your whole experience of the relationship, making it that much harder for you to tolerate his flaws. If finances are really the issue, be creative. You probably have a friend or family member that will help with a loan, of letting you stay with them for a while. It really sounds like your situation could become toxic, and I empathize. Going back to school might give you some breathing space, as well as some added skills. Really take a good objective look at where you are, and where you want to be. It may be that a few small (or even major changes) will completely alter your mind-set. Sinking into depression is like falling into quicksand.
I hope this has given you some hope, or a few good ideas. Cheers – NN


kyjimbo51 ….. I don’t want to sound harsh, so please, please, don’t take it that way. Unless your partner is willing to get serious help for this disorder, you need to leave for your own safety. This will only escalate and at some point you could well be physically injured or worse. Nothing and no one is worth your own health and well being.


My son has the same diagnosis. He had been having outbursts for a while but had never done more than threaten violence against family. No one took him seriously. Now he has crossed the line and become physically violent against his step-dad (this after close calls with two uncles.) He is now on medication (one of the conditions we have given him if he wants to continue living with us) and in therapy. I never thought I’d be afraid of my own son or that his outbursts would escalate to this point. He is always remorseful after an outburst but that does not undo the things he’s done. Please be careful and think things through. I understand you care about your partner but this is a lifetime problem and only medication and therapy can help (not cure) his issues. I hope he is willing to get help.

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