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How to set boundaries with an adult child who threatens suicide?
My adult son has been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. We think (and he does too) that there may be some bipolar tendencies, but he won't get help anymore. I am trying to set boundaries with him, as he calls me several times a day, and can be very demanding, and if I don't help him feel better (I just don't know how to sometimes, and also I have a lot of other people in my life I care for and need me) then he can get extremely mean with me. If I try to get off the phone instead of hearing how horrible I am over and over, then he has incredible meltdowns. Today when I had to get off the phone because I just couldn't take hearing his cruelty anymore, he sent a video of himself to my husband screaming and crying hysterically, because he knew my husband would show me. And wrote cryptic texts like he doesn't want to see us for months, but he probably won't make it anyways as he wants to die. I think this is manipulative, but what if it's real? How do you set healthy boundaries with someone who is suicidal?
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It is a tough situation. I was manipulative too in my youth, and I know how hard it is to convince that type of person to do anything. How old is he?
I think what's most important is to protect your well-being by setting some boundaries. For example, when he threatens to harm himself, call 911. The situation is beyond what you, as a parent, can handle alone.
Maybe set an appointment with his previous psychiatrist and talk to him about what the options are. Maybe he has some idea or experience in those types of situations.
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3 ReactionsThank you. He is 25. It has been years since he saw a psychiatrist, but I will continue to encourage him to do so. He saw a couple counselors the last few years, but ended up angry at both and quitting, and I have no info on even who they were, just taking his word for it, as he gets intensely private about those things. He won't take meds, he tried at 19 when we made him go to the psychiatrist (we had financial leverage then, so he went when we said he had to get help, but now he does hold down a job long enough to stay independent) and says it messed him up more, though we tried to explain that it can take a while to find the right med and dosage, but it is very difficult for him to hear rational thought. I do appreciate the words about it is beyond what I can handle, as he wants me to make everything better in his times of intense emotional pain, and I have tried so hard to support and love him through it, but he gets angry that I am not enough. I have told him that I am not enough, that I love him deeply and want to help, but he needs more help, help that I am unable to give. It only makes him angrier and he accuses me of not being the mother he needs. I need to figure out when to exactly call 911, as he didn't specifically say he was going to kill himself last night, he just said he probably won't make it till November as he is beyond his breaking point. Do I call at that point? I really need guidance, guess I need to see someone about all of this.
Hello. I am so sorry to hear of your pain, as well as your son's. Our son is 25 years old also and we have been to hell and back since he was 19. I highly recommend NAMI. There are 8-13 week long educational programs (depends on the chapter) as well as weekly family support meetings. Please look up in your area and see if you can attend in person and/or by Zoom. If you don't feel comfortable with your local chapter, there are many others throughout the country. I have gone through the training as well as weekly support meetings, both of which were immense help. In regards to suicidal comments, it is my personal opinion (others may have their own opinions and professionals and interventionists their own as well), that you do need to listen and take each one seriously, even if you think he is manipulating. You can urge him to call 988. NAMI will train you how to deal with those calls. I have found that sometimes I just needed to block my son at times when the calls were incessant. Even if it was just for several hours. If you think he is suicidal, call 911 or check with NAMI to see if there is a response team in your area. If he is a threat to himself, others, or expressing suicidal ideation, you can see if you can get "white papers" in your state. However, and most unfortunately, this can be very difficult to do.
If you can convince him to see another therapist or psychiatrist, remember that you can always share information with that professional even though they won't share information with you unless there is a signed HIPPA on file. And if the calls are incessant and he refuses to seek help, you can say "we love you but want to see you get help". As many times as it takes. I had to learn how to "validate" his feelings. A good book is "I'm Not Sick I Don't Need Help" by Dr. Amidor which can train you how to talk with someone who lacks insight into their mental health issues. And someone suffering from bipolar disorder can suffer from lack of insight. And remember self-care for yourself. My best wishes to you.