How to deal with elders making life threatening decisions

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I know how it feels. I had a similar experience with my own father.

In the end, there was nothing I could do to change his mind.

He lived his life his way, start to finish. The finish came way too soon. (But let me be clear: I am still very proud to be his son.)

Hopefully, you'll have better luck with persuading your father.

My father was in remarkably good health into his 90's but lived alone on the farm. It made me crazy for a while after my mother went to the care facility when he was in his late 70's. I called him every evening and he would often tell me that he had worked ground until 10pm or something similar. Of course, he had no cell phone and refused to own one. I finally made peace with the situation because he had no dementia and handled all his own business and looked after my mother's interests at the care facility. He had a cleaning lady and did his own laundry. I knew that was the way he wanted to live. Also, the neighbors would notice if anything was amiss. He went out to eat every day and went to church every Sunday. When he finally went to a care facility of his own volition he had a phone in his room and still handled all the farm business and wrote the checks to pay for his care. He only had to live that way for 10 months before he died of sepsis at 94.

Is the risky work site the same place you and your mom live?

No, he has to fly several hours away.

Oh I'm so sorry. For me it's just a lot of expectation to help pick up the pieces. It's hard when you have a small family, no help and also helping my mom.

It’s frustrating to watch those you care about make irresponsible decisions, but there are some options that might at least help some. I might start with a legal consult with an elder law attorney in the jurisdiction where your parents live. They can explain the law there and what is required to prove incompetence and get guardianship. It’s a huge responsibility though. I would not attempt it now after discovering how difficult it is to help elders who are resistant to care.

But, even if you don’t seek guardianship, I’d explore whether the parents have properly executed durable power of attorney, healthcare POA, advance medical directive, etc. and ensure you have access to the originals. If your dad is away and gets sick, you might need quick access.

I hope things work out. It’s difficult to see someone make poor healthcare decisions, but sometimes it’s ultimately their decision to make. If your mom is having mental distress, I might inquire about meds from her doctor. Even without added stressors, dementia often causes anxiety and depression.

I have a similar situation but with my adult daughter. She puts off care because she wants some control over her very scary health situation. It is very difficult to watch her decline. Her father passed recently and she has often said she is not afraid of death. She lives with me so I see this every day. Praying we have patience and understanding.

Thank you. Yes, the guardianship thing will never be an option for my dad. It's been like pulling teeth but have finally made some headway in the past year about a will, etc.
As far as medical directive, not sure that will happen right now but I've tried to get them to think about these things. Asking what they want in case they can't speak for themselves. I'd be fine with handling some things but it's not up to me.

I'm so sorry for your loss and the struggle you're having right now with your daughter. Has she had counseling? Grief can make things unbearable if you're already dealing with a lot. I hope you can find a way to communicate with her and show love with safe boundaries. I never thought I'd be at a more peaceful place with my parents..but I learned to let go of a lot, change how I react, look through a different perspective.
It's not easy but it helps me feel a little less overwhelmed.