How do you deal with well-meaning, but hurtful, comments from friends?

Posted by bronthebrill @bronthebrill, Mar 14 5:26am

I've never been fat, except when I was pregnant. But because of my cancer ILC, so many friends weigh in on everything I eat! It's quite upsetting when we all have tea, and I put a spoon of sugar in mine, and take a slice of cake. They gasp and say "Nooooo!" I feel like it's my fault that I got cancer because I do like sweet things. How do I respond to this?

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Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Mar 14 9:02am

@bronthebrill, cancer is NOT your fault. While not the same type of cancer, you might appreciate some of the tips and stories shared in this related discussion. @loribmt has a great analogy of fight and flight with snakes and alligators.

- CLL: How do you evaluate well-meaning tips from friends? https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/cll-rick-simpson-oil/

Of course, we all know that eating well is good for our health and can reduce risk of heart disease, diabetes, cancer and other conditions. Did putting sugar in your tea cause cancer? No.

So how do you respond? That's tough. Have you told your friends about how their comments make you feel? This might open up a good conversation about how their well-meaning comments have a negative impact. Guilt and stress are also not good for anyone's health. But unconditional support from friends and social contact are very good for your health.

Chris, Volunteer Mentor | @auntieoakley | Mar 14 9:28am

This is soooo relevant to me. Pre pandemic, we used to have high tea parties with historical dress themes. Some of the ladies would gasp when I had the sugary treats, “IDC breast cancer” I would laugh and remind them that I was an equestrian with almost no body fat when I was diagnosed, and sugar has never really been my weakness, or (always laughing) I would say “yeah but if the cancer gets me, don’t you think I will be glad that I ate this delightful little cake”.
Probably @colleenyoung has a better idea, but during high tea I always found a funny but true quip worked to ease the moment.
Oh and by the way, I really miss putting on an elaborate bustle gown and going to tea. It was my one dress up time. What will I do with all of these costumes. Hahaha

Lori, Volunteer Mentor | @loribmt | Mar 14 9:33am

Good morning, @bronthebrill. The first words out of my mouth when I read your reply to friends gasping at your decision of what your eating would be: “Mind your own beeswax!” LOL. Having had cancer myself, I refrained from telling too many people for that reason. The buttinskies!

There isn’t any one thing that you did to get cancer. Just being exposed to life itself with our environment, pesticides, contaminants, pollutants, stress, gamma rays, you name it, can cause a single strand of DNA to go rogue and cancer takes off.

I found a great discussion in the forum that contains this blog post about sugar and cancer plus responses from other members with a variety of cancers.
~Should sugar be eliminated from diet in a cancer patient? https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/should-sugar-be-eliminated-from-diet-in-a-cancer-patient/

Getting back to how you can respond to unsolicited advice from friends, because telling them it’s none of their beeswax isn’t the best way to handle that. ☺️
These worked for me:
~Saying, “Thanks for thinking of me” and then carry on.
~Ignore it
~”I appreciate your attempt to help, but I’d rather talk about something other than my health. “

There are also several members in the forum who also have been diagnosed with ILC-Invasive lobular carcinoma
I’m posting a link to search results for ILC. You can scroll through the discussions. Feel free to jump into any of the conversations. https://connect.mayoclinic.org/search/?search=ILC

How are you doing with your treatments?

Miriam, Volunteer Mentor | @mir123 | Mar 14 1:46pm

I have experienced something similar! I live in a town that has great massage, New Age bookstores, and friends who try to tell me what to do about my cancer! I basically say something like:
Thanks for caring about me.
I'm doing everything my doctor suggests.
Please don't comment on what I eat--it makes me feel uncomfortable.
I had an osteopath--straddling two worlds of conventional and alternative medicine--tell me to say: "Unless you are a doctor with my chart in front of you, I don't need advice." That was a bit too strong for me, but usually friends will stop when asked (or they aren't real friends). Good luck with this!

bronthebrill | @bronthebrill | Mar 17 5:12am

In reply to @colleenyoung "@bronthebrill, cancer is NOT your fault. While not the same type of cancer, you might appreciate..." + (show)

I appreciate your response, and will try to be more gracious to them, and explain.

bronthebrill | @bronthebrill | Mar 17 5:16am

In reply to @loribmt "Good morning, @bronthebrill. The first words out of my mouth when I read your reply to..." + (show)

wow, thanks! This is very useful, and I will look at those links. I'm doing okay really, and considered stable with bone metastasis and bone marrow involvement. I will get a PET scan in April, and hopefully everything is still okay. I just battle with a sore body, and obviously fatigue.