* High anxiety and depression *

@amberpep I am so, so sorry you are feeling depressed. I understand that dark, sticky hole all too well. I assume you are on an antidepressant and/or an anti-anxiety medication? A move like the one you made is extremely stressful, as is loosing contact with all your social support. You state you moved to be closer to your children. Was it at their insistence? Were you close with them emotionally? Do they visit often and check on you daily, at least by phone? Have they helped you find community resources? If not, is it too late to move back? I would rather be by people I can count on and people whom with I can socialize. I know you are in a tough spot. What were your expectations, if any, with regard to the move? What were your children's expectations? I see you are seeing a psychiatrist. Does he/she have any suggestions or know of any community resources which may benefit you? It is hard to have so many changes, I think especially as we age. Hang in there. Sounds like you will have to claw your way out of that hole (I've done it a few too many times) - it can be done. Try listening to up beat music. Go to the movie theater and see a comedy. Go for a walk in nature. Do you have a dog or a cat? I have three dogs (you may not want to go that far!) and find them to be an immense source of comfort and company. Also, you can take your dog to a dog park and meet other dog owners. I have found most people are much more open to speaking with you if you have a dog. They are great ice breakers! I would recommend an older dog, perhaps a golden retriever or basset hound or pug - something not too hyper and already house trained. Puppies are cute, but they are lots of work. The workers at shelters and other rescue places are usually really good about fitting your personality and needs to an adult dog in their system. Also, speak to your psychiatrist about perhaps speaking with your children about your depression. Do they know how you feel? Please know you are not alone. I will be praying for you! Let me know how things go and if you decide to get a companion animal!

Thank you so very much for responding ..... it makes me feel less alone. To answer some of your questions ..... I lived in Frederick, MD for 30+ years, and it took 5 years of my kids hounding me to "move down here" for me to actually take the plunge. Little did I realize the pool had no water in it. My girls and I are close, closer to one of them than the other. I hear from the other one most often, usually daily I'll get an e-mail or call. My other daughter always was closer to her Dad (my X-husband after a 40 year marriage) and she has 2 children, one of whom she is home schooling, so she's very busy. My other daughter works in Charlottesville, but I hear from her and see her much more often. And ..... my X-husband moved down here too .... he built a big house in the country. We get along as best as we can, but it doesn't help any to know he's only about 30 minutes away. I also have a son, but he lives outside of D.C. so I don't see him very often. I don't want to sound dramatic, but my therapist actually told me I'd been clawing my way through life since I was little .... raised by an alcoholic mother and father, spend weekends in bars with them, married to escape and divorced 10 years ago - he has a personality disorder (Narcissistic), and now this. I have 2 cats, and up until a few months ago I had a dear little dog who I loved so much .... she was a rescue from a puppy mill - a 4 year old female Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. I had to have her put down due to congestive heart failure (common in the breed) ..... I so much want another one, but I don't want a puppy, and even the adults are over $600. I can't afford that. This town is nothing at all like Frederick ..... the people (at least the ones I've come in contact with) are very clannish .... they stick to themselves and their own families, and believe it or not, I am considered a "yankee."
I drive to Frederick every other Tuesday for an appt. with my therapist and also with my psychiatrist. I take 4 psychotropics.
This will sound harsh, but I think that yes, my girls love me ..... the main reason one of them especially wanted me to move down here was for her convenience. As I age, it will be a lot easier for her if I'm here rather than if she has to come to Frederick - a 4 hour drive.
I have never been able to sit down and REALLY have a heart to heart conversation with any of my kids about my depression and anxiety. If I even hint at it, they turn me off immediately. They don't want to hear about it. I think they're afraid it'll jump on them like a flea!
And .... the oddest part of this is ..... both my daughters are trained Social Workers. They're not practicing it now as one is home schooling and the other worked for a Nursing Home for 8 years and got burnt out, so she works in an independent toy store.
My church was the central part of my social life, but that denomination doesn't exist down here, and I've tried the ones closest to it and was received rather chilly-ly ..... clannish again. So, that's the deal. I could go back to Frederick, as I own a condo there and am presently renting it out; then I worry what if I do that and am still not happy. So, here I am .... I'm looking for a part time job, but once they find out your age - they can't ask outright anymore but once they see when you graduated from H.S. and college, they know. I know I'm not eating well .... I don't want to cook and eat mostly TV dinners.
Again, thanks so much for responding .... I really appreciate hearing from you.
abby

Abby, do you receive Social Security payments from your husband? You can if you aren't now. Check with the Social Security office near you. That may help you financially which may also help your depression. You only have to have been married for 10 years.

Next, practice with your therapist how to talk to the daughter you feel closest to. You may want her to go to one of your sessions with you. I did that with my son when I visited him in Boston where he lives. It really helped our relationship. Im 68 and my husband and I just moved back to California from a small town in Missouri where we built and ran a bed and breakfast for 16 years. I was born and grew up 60 miles from where we lived and was so happy to move there. However, we were never accepted by the community. I was told that I was intimidating because I am educated (Masters degree in Organization Management) and so people dont like me. I am a kind and caring person, but they could never see that. We were accepted by the Amish community in the area, which made it possible to stay as long as we did. It has been wonderful to live back in California. People here are friendly and we have longtime friends in towns around us. Sometimes moving back is the best thing to do. Life is short and getting shorter for some of us. You should be as happy as you can be during this time of your life.

It must be very hard to not be able to share all of who you are with those you love. You know, the definition of love is accepting the other person exactly as they are, and exactly as they are not. Having to pretend to be someone you are not will also add to or even cause depression. When you cannot be authentically who you are, you will feel invisible. I know; I've been there. My recommendation is do what you want to do. Your family can visit you with only a 4 hour drive. Be with people who accept you unconditionally. Perhaps by being honest with your family, you'll role model for them how to be real and authentic. You can do this.
Gail

Wow, that was really a thought provoking reply, and I truly appreciate it. Yes, I do get part of my X-husband's S.S., but no other financial help. My lawyer told me early on that after a 40+ year marriage - raising 3 kids and not going back to work til our youngest went to college, I could "take the shirt off his back." Well, I had just prior to that received a substantial inheritance from my father, so I relinquished any further financial help I could have gotten. At the advice of a good friend, I went with a Financial Manager, who .... and this still makes me sick ...... was rather a "mini Bernie Madolf" .... and I wound up with less than 1/4 of what I had - all my Dad's money. And so, starting 10 years ago, I began to live, very frugally, using that and having a small part time job for awhile, which I can no longer do. I totally agree about sitting down with one of my kids, and even the possibility of taking one of them with me to a session, but I have no doubt they wouldn't go. They think they "know" ..... they don't really ... they have no idea the depths I've been to, or the times I've had to call a safe girlfriend to come sit with me because I was afraid to be alone with myself. They knew that one Sat. morning my closest friend took me to the hospital, and because I was not suicidal (that's what I told them), after a full day of questions by doctors, Nurses, etc., they had me attend daily group meetings for 4 weeks, from 9 - 3. I met the most wonderful group of people there. We immediately "knew" ..... we all were in the same boat and did not need to hide anything. But, while they know I went to this, they know nothing about it, nor seem to want to. I really think they're afraid of it.
Yes, I would like to be back in my condo in Frederick, but since this whole experience down here, I don't feel like I fit anywhere anymore. I don't fit here, and because I've been gone for over a year, I don't feel like I fit there anymore. I've always felt "different" all through my life due to my parents' alcoholism, and this just adds to it.
There is a big part of me that would like to move to some tiny town, far away from anyone - no forwarding address - and just be left alone for the remainder of my life.
Thank you so much and I will think about asking one of them to go with me, but I may not have the nerve, and if I do, I hate the thought of the expression on their face ... horror most likely. I feel like I wear a sign .... "I'm nuts."
abby

Dear Abby,
You definitely are not "nuts". Clinical depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is a disease, just like diabetes or a thyroid disorder or whatever. I love Gail's reply to you. Life is short, and you should do what makes YOU happy. If you moved back to your condo and started back up at your church, I don't think it would take long for you to get back into the swing of things. If you did not feel lonely in Frederick and you had your doctors and social network there, it seems moving back would be an option. I think you should at least try with the daughter you are closest to and ask her to come to a session with you. If she refuses to go, then that is a sad loss for her. Loving someone does mean accepting them, especially when they are getting help and dealing with their disease. Some people just do not want to try to understand someone else's pain - especially if it is emotional. Though my parents were not alcoholics, my father was physically abusive to me and my three sisters in addition to sexually abusing all four of us. I am an incest survivor. Despite all of that, we are all educated and have excellent jobs. You do not have to let your past define you. You are a survivor! You made it out and raised children and held down a job and did darn well considering your upbringing. Be proud of yourself. Many times depression causes negative thinking. Start changing that thinking by patting yourself on the back for all you have accomplished. Something I have always told myself and my children is, "If you don't enjoy your own company, how can anyone else?" You need to love yourself FIRST. Be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished. We all make mistakes, but that does not wipe out all we have done that is positive. I am surprised you can't get an older dog for less than $600! Perhaps if you explain you are on a fixed income? Also, literally make a list of the pros and cons of moving back to your condo and of staying where you are now. Sometimes seeing it in writing can help. At any rate, I am praying for you. Hang in there. You can do this!

Laura

Dear abby, i just read this and want to say that i truly understand and am in a somewhat similar situation and i am the same age as you. I have such a complex history so i will just address one issue at a time. All of your responses are worth considering . i just moved to a tiny mountain town in southwest colorado. I left all my support system in asheville, north carolina. I was doing a lot of volunteer work as a rape crisis advocate and worked in trauma intervention as well. My husband is 11 years younger and still works, as a chef, but the economy has taken a toll on us and we are trying to recover.
My eldest son completed suicide last august. For economic reasons we had already planned this move to colorado. I had only 4 weeks in asheville to deal with his death , with a support system around me.
I have had a difficult time here because there are no resources in terms of traumatic grief. I did find a therapist who works only with what is called traumatic and complex grief....meaning suicide, murder and PTSD . however, my copayment is too much to pay as i would need quite a bit of therapy. I have a lifelong history of gengetic and clinical depression and have always taken meds and had all kinds of therapy.
Here is my point. Since leaving my support system i have been declining in my mental and even physical health. This is not a place where i can recover. I do have a church and that helps. But that is not the kind of help i need. If i could go back to north carolina and back to my support groups and friends, i would.
Yes, i have two other sons. They do not choose to be of help in any way. I have no blood family to turn to. So......if you continue to feel these complex feelings and if you are not eating, sleeping, and not going out....you might consider going back to a safe place where you can find the support you need

Thank you georgette for sharing that ..... sounds like you and I are both in similar situations ..... it's not fun. At this age I feel I have the right (probably the wrong word) to some happiness. My marriage was so difficult .... I was basically "little goody two shoes" listening and "obeying" everything my now x-husband said .... narcissistics are ALWAYS right, so they think ..... and they refuse to even try to look at their piece of the problem. So now, here I am, in a place I don't like, around people who are not friendly at all (they consider me a Yankee), no church - which was a big part of my life, and absolutely no support system at all. I really want to go home to my condo, but I do feel like it would be a slap in the face at my girls. I dread the thought of this being the place where I will live out my days. I just wish I had never relented and moved down here. I have applied for a low-income apt. a few miles from here, and I really hope I can get it. I had to put my sweet dog - Molly, to sleep about 6-7 months ago. I still have 2 cats. People keep saying "give it time, you'll adjust" .... well it's been 16 months now and nothing has changed. At least I know I'm not the only one struggling with something like this.
abby

"Pug" .... you make a lot of sense. I would just love to have another dog, but Molly was a rescue from a puppy mill .... she was 4 and the day after I got her, they were going to shoot her ..... she was no longer producing "perfect" pups. She was a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, and even the older ones now go for about $600-$800 ..... the pups can be from $1200 on up. They've got the most wonderful disposition and have become very popular.
abby

Hi amber. I am replying to your feelings about staying where you are, and also about your daughters. Yes, you do have the right, and the word is definitely RIGHT to happiness now. I think you have already found the answer to this situation you are in. I think it just might be a bit difficult for you to put yourself and your very own life first. You have a condo to live in, and a hometown that you have a church and i agree that it will take you no time at all to feel comfortable again and connect with your old and new friends.

I am telling you from a ton of personal experience that after 16 months....to give it more "time" is not going to change a thing. I have done that so many times.....and of course i was told to keep giving it more time. Please know i am not advising you what to do. I am telling you from many years of trauma, time did not help me...when i found myself in the wrong place at the wrong time. I did not have a choice since my husband is a chef and he keeps getting relocated. I so wished i had a choice...a place that i already had to live, like your condo, and familiar and comforting things around me.
From what you are saying, you now have a choice. But that would mean stepping out in faith. That is not easy especially when you have concerns regarding your daughters. I am thinking that you would be a wonderful role model for your daughters if you would follow your very own path, and take back your inner power. You did mention your ex husband and you did say that you did pretty much what he wanted, no matter how you felt. I think that is what you meant. It could even be that your daughters expect you to do what they want....not what you want. Maybe they could automatically assume that you are supposed to do what they want also, like you did when you were married. It would be understandable if that is true. I just looked at the first few sentences you wrote. You said you wanted to go back home. And then you said that it would be a slap in the face to your daughters.
I have two adult sons that needed some "tough love" from mom. They both wanted me to do what i did not want to do, even though they knew i would be miserable. This was not too long ago, and i did not want to lose my sons. But when i realized that my age was 72, and i really have had such a traumatic life up till then, and i did not want to die in a place i did not want to be.....and i so wanted to experience joy at least one time in my life.....i made the only choice that i absolutely knew in my heart was right for me, not for them. If they were inconvenienced by my choice....well, that is the tough love part. I decided to not do what they wanted because that would be wrong for me. They have their own lives to live and i had mine. So i did what was right in my heart for me.
So....one does not speak to me at all, and the other one is so offended, and so wants to tell me how to live, that he too is barely speaki g to me. The way it is now, i am where i want to be, because of my husbands work. I do now have a church family and i am on this forum for support and to feel connected to others. In my own mind, i had no choice but to let my sons be inconvenienced, and to find my own happiness because i really deserve it. You deserve it. Abby. Hugs

Hi again georgette ..... I had to start a new line because for some reason my computer wouldn't let me reply, so I decided to start again. You hit the nail on the head. I do have a right, at my age, to be happy for however many years I have left, and as I age should I need help, well, my kids can make the drive up to Frederick. Yes, I know my girls love me, but I think the big push behind this is for their convenience, for one of them especially. I kept hearing "how much cheaper it is down here than in Frederick." Well, I've written down all the expenses and the difference is only $213, and that doesn't count the $150 per month I pay my Property Manager. Savings? I think not. Also, I have long-term care insurance, so that would take a good bit of the burden off of them. You're right .... I know what they will say, and my son in Alexandria, VA should I decide to move back. But when I think of it .... OMG, it makes me smile and feel happy. They won't be up very often .... maybe about 2-3 times a year at the most, but that would be their decision, not mine. My condo is 1200 sq. ft. with 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Hearing what you and others have to say, and really taking it in, I know you're right. Gone are the days, I guess, when the adult kids went to their parent's to help if something was needed. Now it seems to be for their convenience, no matter how difficult it makes life for the older parent. So, if I don't get one of those apartments, that'll be it. I will take that as God's sign to me to pack up my buggy and head "home."
Thank you so very much ..... bless you my friend,
abby