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Help me explain to friends why i often have to cancel plans
I have chronic pain related to a genetic condition (I'm predisposed to rupture discs, and currently am putting of multi-vertebrae fusions on my C-spine and L-spine), and through PTSD, which can make my pain go completely nutty. After ten years of heavy drinking and 4 years of doctor prescribed opiods, I have a holistic pain management program that allows me moderate pain relief through muscle relaxers, lyrica, medical marijuana, daily stretching and maintenance exercises. I am extraordinarily proud of who I am and where I'm at in life, but it is exhausting to keep up, and the pain still calls shots.
Recently, my friend group, all of whom are 20+ years younger than me told me they're frustrated with me for making plans and cancelling them, asking them to meet at my house, avoiding traveling them to see them, and just in general expecting them to plan around me.
How do I explain to them that plans for me are always day by day and dependent on my pain level? And how do I get across that driving longer than an hour pretty much guarentees I'll be in shitty pain when I arrive, which is further exacerabated because there's never a comfortable place to sit or sleep (in the event I spend the night). I often ask them to come to my house because I know I will have a comfortable place to be, and at the end of the day, even if i am in pain, I'll have my bed.
I've lived with pain for 30 years, and this is the first time it's been managed properly, but it's still not enough to pass as normal, or to be fully present in a reliable way.
I'm very frustrated and sad, and more so because I feel like I have to justify my condition, and it's very reminicent of going to doctor after doctor, asking them to believe me and in my pain.
any advice is much appreciated. Sending my heart to all of you.
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@tripp7
Oh my, I am sorry you are going through such physical pain.
From what you wrote, they get upset when you make plans for the group, and you cancel because you’re not feeling well.
How about letting them make all the plans. That way, if you can not attend they can still do their thing.
You said they are much younger than you by about 20 years. What about finding friends who are closer to your age? I’m wondering how there is such an age gap yet, you and they have things in common.
I don’t think I personally relate as friends with people 20+ older than me, and visa versa.
Please,I’m not trying to insult you or your friends, but if that’s how they are treating you, perhaps it’s time for you to move on from them.
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4 ReactionsIm very sorry you are living a life where pain rules your life. i am in the same situation and finally reached the same point before a large family reunion around a family member's wedding on the other side of the country. i knew that the plane trip alone would leave me in a lot of pain and 6 days of parties, ceremonies etc were more than i could handle. So I sent a text message to everyone in advance that if I left events early, arrived late or was a no-show, it wasn’t because I was anti-social or mad at anybody but I just have to lay down on my heat pad frequently and I just couldn’t function otherwise. Everyone seemed to understand and I didn’t feel like I was constantly trying to push through the pain. Unfortunately, unless you’ve experienced chronic acute pain, most people don’t realize how debilitating it can be. I hope your friends will be more understanding. Take care of yourself.
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4 ReactionsI am sorry for all here and around the world who live with this curse they call chronic pain. It is like living hell on earth. I have lived with chronic pain for over 22 years. Mine started with simple spinal spasms to doctor after doctor misdiagnosing me until the one doctor paralyzed my left leg I finally quit relying on myself and begin relying on God for help and begin receiving better doctors and tools to be ahead of this curse. I’m still in chronic pain but now live with a back stimulator and some RX and modified my way of living. I live a very recluses or hermit lifestyle because chronic pain still calls the shots. I refuse to constantly repeat myself over and over . I too have PTSD but that was handed to me by to amazing unloving alcoholic parents. So I can’t blame chronic pain but CP does pile its’ poo onto it. But, I have only one set of friends and when they invite me to supper they understand I sit on the floor and I bring my service dog. Why the floor you ask I am fused L4-S-1. I think all CP patients eventually become a little off or recluse. It takes a certain type of folks to live with this curse. May God Bless everyone and those of you that are lucky enough to have someone in your life to take care of you. You see CP too my marriage and my adult children too. When I became a recluse I shutdown I didn’t know how to explain or verbalize what was happening to me. I shutdown I didn’t want to burden anyone so I lost them.
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3 Reactionshave you tried getting a social worker to help you?
The shift from spouse to care giver is hard. Often shifts to parent role with loss of intimacy. Good friends will,survive the test on time. Casual friends will,not indure
It is about YOu. True friends will support you. We only socialize in our yard. Open air and full support
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1 ReactionThis is a daily life. I've not been able to make plans for anything other than Dr appointments for last few years. If they are truly your friends they could come to your house and understand your conditio. If you need to go to bed for a while or if your not able to proticipatein activities but would be glad just to be there. If you can send them information on your issues they may understand much more.
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2 ReactionsI think sometimes friends want to help but just don’t know quite what to say or do. My teacher friends still always include me and maybe once a year I’ll
manage to join them. I tell them I am most unreliable now due to being my husband’s care giver and dealing with my own lung and other health issues. I am always glad when I can make it out to see them, and they get it. And I’m thrilled to have a handicap placard! Never thought I’d say that! I know it isn’t easy and hopefully you can get some part time help . Your mental health will be better . Good luck. Irene5
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5 ReactionsI’m exactly the same way! It’s so hard to not overdo it when friends come over because I feel badly about being “done”.
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4 ReactionsI learned that when I stopped drinking and being a taxi I learned I didn't have many if any friends. It's hard but I pray 🙏 ( I hear that alot too) but I'm grateful for my home myroof over my head. Food , water, and family. Try just to take a day at a time it's alot easier.
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