Grief for life lost: How to cope with "Did I waste my entire life?

I’m so sorry. I wish I could give you the best advice, but please know that you have a good life ahead of you, don’t look back - - move forward each day.

I am very sorry you got into a marriage like that. Know that you are not alone and that many many people understand the grief that you are experiencing. I would hate to see you spend your time thinking about how you wasted time in the past, because that would be like you giving your time in your new life to the same abusive spouse. I hope you can, for the most part, start fresh and make the most of your time from this point on. I am no expert on this, but I think that I would grieve when it really hits me and then try to focus on something else that I want to do.

I know someone that was betrayed after forty years of marriage. What she did, to try and cope with that, was to schedule something each day of the week but one. For example, she may go to a card game on Tuesday and have lunch with girlfriends each Wednesday, or whatever it was that she wanted to do. She just left one day open for things that would come up like going to dinner with me. She found that having something scheduled to look forward to each day helped her. I don't know if that would help you, but that is one idea.

I pray that you will find your way to a fulfilling and happy life. I certainly think you deserve it after all the years "serving time" with an abusive spouse. If possible, you may want to talk to a counselor to help you move forward. Without someone to help us see the way, sometimes we find ourselves back in the same situation we were in before by accident. I hope that never applies to you, but it hits close to home for me.

You are not alone. I married a narcissist when I was 20 years old. I knew nothing at 20 years old. My cultural conditioning told me that is what a woman does--get married at 20 years old. All my girlfriends did it, too. I lived with someone who was profoundly mentally ill, no cure for narcissism. After 12 years, I finally got away. It wasn't wasted time because I learned a great deal from the relationship. Painful lessons, but very valuable. Live in this day. I cannot change the past. I can change how I view it though. And the future never gets here. Live but one day at a time. I know this is new to you and it takes time to heal. Be kind to yourself. Grieve the losses.

I agree with all the other comments. The time has not been wasted if you learn from your experiences. It seems you married young, so even twenty-five years later, you are STILL young! You have so much life ahead. Grab it! I love the idea of planning one thing each day you can look forward to, and build the day around. Good advise for all of us “getting through” something.
Good luck to you. You are on your way.