Dealing with generation gap as my spouse and I age

Posted by chantelle @chantelle, Dec 29, 2024

I’m 62, husband 83, married 31 years. He’s a saint, I feel like a bad mood person all the time. We both work but are closing our business, husband hates to stay home, he had to stop driving a year ago, I do all driving. He refuses to learn uber or anything new. I’m overwhelmed but know I’ve made him dependent on me. Want to be lighthearted and happy again but each day presents a new old age issue.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Just Want to Talk Support Group.

I was engaged to someone who was similar to your husband’s age several years ago. Me in my 50’s. It was challenging. I hope you are able to get some ideas that help.

REPLY

Does your husband have any friends he could socialize with to take some of the pressure off you?

After my stroke, most of my local "friends" forgot they ever knew me, but I am comfortable with online communities (like this one), so that helps me make new connections.

Another possibility is that he is undergoing some depression at facing the end of a long career. Many people don't know how to transition; they feel confused or even useless. (This happens a lot with airline pilots.)

My stroke cost me friendships, my career, my hobbies, my independence, and my mobility -- all at once.

But I found a new "career" -- recovery. One positive outcome of that is the ongoing YouTube channel I created about my recovery journey. Please have a look:
http://www.youtube.com/@srlucado/videos

REPLY
@scottrl

Does your husband have any friends he could socialize with to take some of the pressure off you?

After my stroke, most of my local "friends" forgot they ever knew me, but I am comfortable with online communities (like this one), so that helps me make new connections.

Another possibility is that he is undergoing some depression at facing the end of a long career. Many people don't know how to transition; they feel confused or even useless. (This happens a lot with airline pilots.)

My stroke cost me friendships, my career, my hobbies, my independence, and my mobility -- all at once.

But I found a new "career" -- recovery. One positive outcome of that is the ongoing YouTube channel I created about my recovery journey. Please have a look:
http://www.youtube.com/@srlucado/videos

Jump to this post

Your friends forgot about you? Recently someone else told me this happened to their son. That's awful. Not everyone is like that though. I would go as far to say that anyone who forgets you due to health were never your real friends in the first place.

REPLY
@scottrl

Does your husband have any friends he could socialize with to take some of the pressure off you?

After my stroke, most of my local "friends" forgot they ever knew me, but I am comfortable with online communities (like this one), so that helps me make new connections.

Another possibility is that he is undergoing some depression at facing the end of a long career. Many people don't know how to transition; they feel confused or even useless. (This happens a lot with airline pilots.)

My stroke cost me friendships, my career, my hobbies, my independence, and my mobility -- all at once.

But I found a new "career" -- recovery. One positive outcome of that is the ongoing YouTube channel I created about my recovery journey. Please have a look:
http://www.youtube.com/@srlucado/videos

Jump to this post

You were given a strange gift, Scott: You found out who your real friends are.

Fair winds and following seas, friend.

REPLY
@scottrl

Does your husband have any friends he could socialize with to take some of the pressure off you?

After my stroke, most of my local "friends" forgot they ever knew me, but I am comfortable with online communities (like this one), so that helps me make new connections.

Another possibility is that he is undergoing some depression at facing the end of a long career. Many people don't know how to transition; they feel confused or even useless. (This happens a lot with airline pilots.)

My stroke cost me friendships, my career, my hobbies, my independence, and my mobility -- all at once.

But I found a new "career" -- recovery. One positive outcome of that is the ongoing YouTube channel I created about my recovery journey. Please have a look:
http://www.youtube.com/@srlucado/videos

Jump to this post

I understand! My brain bleeds have cost me more than physical stuff. It has cost me so many long term friendships. Cost me even at church. Then I feel like I am constantly in a bad mood because I am lonely and feel useless! Thank you for your comment this morning

REPLY

Hello @chantelle and welcome to Mayo Connect. As you can see, your post has had many responses and I'm sure that many are nodding their heads in agreement with the difficult place you find yourself, now.

You don't say what your husband's limitations are, but I'm guessing that they might be cognitive and physical. Is my understanding correct?

I would encourage you to also post in our Caregiver's support group. Here is a link to those discussions,
--Caregivers
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/caregivers/
and
--Caregivers Dementia
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/caregivers-dementia/
What is one thing that you can do for yourself that might help you feel better? Perhaps having lunch with friends, seeing a movie? How might you make that happen?

REPLY

All of my friends who still have husbands are going crazy taking care of them. Women close to 90 taking care of men 5 years younger than them. I was married for 58 years, I took care of my husband for a very hard last 5 years. It's inevitable in most cases!

REPLY
@hopeful33250

Hello @chantelle and welcome to Mayo Connect. As you can see, your post has had many responses and I'm sure that many are nodding their heads in agreement with the difficult place you find yourself, now.

You don't say what your husband's limitations are, but I'm guessing that they might be cognitive and physical. Is my understanding correct?

I would encourage you to also post in our Caregiver's support group. Here is a link to those discussions,
--Caregivers
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/caregivers/
and
--Caregivers Dementia
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/caregivers-dementia/
What is one thing that you can do for yourself that might help you feel better? Perhaps having lunch with friends, seeing a movie? How might you make that happen?

Jump to this post

Yes I do try to have some time with friends. I just can’t leave him for too long. He is so childlike. I know I’m lucky though because we are healthy, just an adjustment, retirement for him soon. Thank you

REPLY
@scottrl

Does your husband have any friends he could socialize with to take some of the pressure off you?

After my stroke, most of my local "friends" forgot they ever knew me, but I am comfortable with online communities (like this one), so that helps me make new connections.

Another possibility is that he is undergoing some depression at facing the end of a long career. Many people don't know how to transition; they feel confused or even useless. (This happens a lot with airline pilots.)

My stroke cost me friendships, my career, my hobbies, my independence, and my mobility -- all at once.

But I found a new "career" -- recovery. One positive outcome of that is the ongoing YouTube channel I created about my recovery journey. Please have a look:
http://www.youtube.com/@srlucado/videos

Jump to this post

Thank you, you seem very resilient, good for you! Best of luck to you.

REPLY
@chantelle

Yes I do try to have some time with friends. I just can’t leave him for too long. He is so childlike. I know I’m lucky though because we are healthy, just an adjustment, retirement for him soon. Thank you

Jump to this post

It is hard to leave an active business life. I believe that aging is an adjustment for everyone. While he is struggling, could it also be that your life is changing as well due to your aging. You have losses as well as those connected to him which just compound things. It is a normal reaction, and will just take some of adjustments. Learning Uber at 82 may be hard , but he may feel more comfortable with taxis. Additionally perhaps he just wants your presence. I would encourage you to look at a self care plan for your self, self care physically but also mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Start now developing those routines that he can accommodate to you doing so as he ages more it will be less unsettling.
Look to finding respite care, that allows you to have time to be out for a walk, or do things you enjoy. Be in nature. Get your sunshine , develop a new routine for you both. Time after retirement can be an adjustment but also so much fun. Hoping each day greets you with joy

REPLY
Please sign in or register to post a reply.