Forgiveness

in reply to @becsbuddy Thank you for this message. Interestingly enough, it is late and I am working on my cards, and of course, thinking about the "incident" as well as some other things I have faced this week. It is also unusual for me to be online this late, a broken rule this evening.

A thought came to mind about my "Carpe Diem" sign and I began thinking of other Latin phrases that I thought I could post as an inspiring quote. I am slowly resolving my anger, because you are right, I am not ordinarily an angry person, and when in the past faced with anger, I have usually turned it against myself. This time I did not, and for me that is progress. I have been in touch with my sister who tells me that she has spoken to her daughter and the family is slowly healing from this tragic event. In many ways, I am glad that I do not have a relationship with my niece because I know that if I did, I would more than likely tell her how I really feel about what happened. Instead, I am making a card for her using some herbs that I have grown in my garden, and I will borrow your words to write on the card. Having said this, I did call NAMI today and spoke to a lovely young woman who helped me with my anger and listened to me talk about the "event" which I have not been able to do with my friends. While I did email someone about it, I know that emailing this person upset her deeply, and I feel very bad about that. In any event, while I remain upset about what happened, I know that what happened was unintentional, but careless and negligent. These thoughts/feeling that I have will remain with me for a very long time simply because of the nature of the event. I do have an abundance of compassion for my niece and her family even though I do not know them well by any stretch. I can empathize with what she is going through, and it would not do any good to blow up at her if I did know her better, because she is already suffering enough. As someone said, "Guilt is a merciless instrument of self torture."

Having said this, I feel great sorrow and this will take time to resolve within myself. If I were a religious person I could ask God to take over for me, but instead I will do the best I can to continue to have that compassion, empathy and great solicitude toward my sister and her daughter, who finally got out of bed after 5 days.

Now to my phrase about something else that happened to me this week. I have mentioned the Carpe Diem sign that upset my neighbor to the point of insanity. I was going through my phone yesterday and noticed some "blocked" voicemail messages, 2 of which were from her. She called to tell me: "PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR ALARM CLOCK, I NEED MY SLEEP AND YOUR ALARM CLOCK HAS GONE OFF FOR SEVERAL MINUTES NOW!!!!!!!" We share a bedroom wall and I have one of those sonic boom alarm clocks because I am hearing impaired and deaf in my left ear. I have to set the alarm each day because if I sleep too long the interstim device in my back causes great pain because I sleep on my back as though I were in a coffin. Since I was already angry about the "incident" and also something that one of my clinicians sent to me, I marched down to the apartment office and explained that I am tired of being harrassed by my neighbor. All of this began last summer when she was paying me to walk her dog, got upset with me because I told her not to feed the dog the "human" food (if you could call Walmart macaroni salad "human food"). 2 or 3 letters were placed on my door, both of which were offensive to the point that I went to the office last summer and said at the time that if she did one more thing like this I was inclined to file a restraining order. I told the woman in the office that I am a peaceful person and I am just trying to make my life as calm and peaceful as possible while trying to manage this chronic illness and chronic pain of which I suffer and will continue to suffer until some doctor is able to figure out how best to treat my condition. I told the woman that I do not complain about nuances such as the fact that my neighbor does not clean up after her dog, my patio stinks as a result, and I have had to develop a way in which to decrease the amount of flies that are attracted to her patio area. I am tired and worn out. The woman got it and said she would let the manager (who likes me) know about the situation. I am not going to move my alarm clock in an effort to accommodate her because if I move it to the other side of the room, I will not hear it. I do not feel that I owe anyone anything at this point, or rather I do not feel as though I need to oblige this neighbor simply because she does not deserve it, and I need my alarm clock.

In any event, the new phrase is "Carpe Vitam." Seize Life.