Family member suicide: Why do I still feel the pain of grief?

First, I am sorry to hear this, and how difficult it must have been. My experience with grief--my first husband died after surgery as a young man 30 years ago--is that it isn't a fixed quantity and never completely goes away. How could it when the relationship is still there inside of us. Every year around the anniversary of his death I get very sad and anxious. Recently I've just decided to accept the feelings as a a way of honoring his memory (after LOTS of therapy). You can be proud of yourself for doing so much to take care of yourself.

I am sorry to hear about your mother and the resulting grief that you carry. Two years ago my son took his own life. Less than a year later my husband died due to complications from cancer. For me the grief associated with my son's suicide is quite different than the grief for my husband. There are so many unanswered questions with suicide, and for me, feelings of guilt, anger and a sort of disassociation.
As Miriam mentioned above, grief never really goes away. I think we just continue to move through it. I agree with the point about accepting the feelings as a way of honoring your mother. There is some trauma involved with suicide, and that can come back unannounced sometimes. Please give yourself grace for how far you have come. 💗

@mir123 Thank you for offering me a beautiful way to think of these feelings as a way to honor my mother. I too have had LOTS of therapy. That’s why I’m always surprised when this pain surfaces again. Both of us have had so very many years since we experienced our losses, I find it’s impossible to talk about it to anyone. So thank you again for hearing me. ❤️

@opheli I am so very sorry to hear your story and can’t begin to know how difficult it must still be for you to have lost your child and your spouse within the same year. And it’s only been 2 years, so your grief and your pain is still be so recent and new. I can’t begin to imagine how it must feel to lose your child, and how especially painful because of his suicide.
You are correct in saying that grief associated with suicide is very different. I was only 27 when I lost my mother and for me the feelings of guilt were almost unbearable. And over the years the guilt turned to sorrow because I no longer had a mother. It was very hard to understand her mental illness back then, especially the pain she was in her whole life. In those days my mom’s treatments for several attempts of suicide were straight jackets and electroconvulsive shock therapy. Thankfully mental health treatments have come so very far. I often grieve because she had no other options.
I recently began to wonder if there was a group to talk with who had lost parents or children or siblings to the tragedy of suicide. I believe we are a group who probably carry our grief in a way that only those whose loss was like ours will truly understand.
Thanks so much for sharing, especially your insight about how “some trauma involved with suicide can come back unannounced” — even 49 years later.

My mother also died by suicide, over 50 years ago. I used to see her alive and talk to her in dreams , but that hasn't happened for some time now.