Connect
Emotional health after cancer: How are you doing really?
It struck me after my recent appointment with my oncologist how less focus is put on the emotional aspect of a cancer patient. I go to clinic I am checked in. I am asked in passing how I feel. Mostly I just say I am OK. It’s all routine. I saw my doctor he examined me we discussed the plan of action for my scans blood work. When a cancer patient is asked a how they feel often it’s “medical”. How do you “physically”feel.
Now that I am a “routine” patient at my cancer center no one stops to ask how I am “emotionally”. Don’t get me wrong there are people you can talk to. I feel things become so routine and some days I feel less emotionally “fit” than others. I never like going to the cancer center it stresses me. I am better about it but it is still a source of “depression “ and anxiety for me. When I feel this way I need routine. On my most recent visit I was given an “wrist band” to wear. I felt “branded”. Not only do I have to hold on to the appointment reminder “disc” now I am given an wrist band. It bothered me. So if you are a patient you can easily be identified by the disc and now and a wrist band. That my sound nit picky but I notice everything. If it bothers me it must bother other people as well. What would be good would be a place for patients, all patients, just patients to check in.
Ask us how we are today. Ask how we are coping. Ask care givers who bring in patients how they are coping. They should have “therapy” dogs on patrol. I love dogs and I know that would comfort me. It would take away some of the anxiety I feel each time I go to the cancer center. I am still “new” to my cancer. It’s been 6 months since my cancer diagnosis perhaps that is why I experience so much anxiety. I haven’t “accepted “ my cancer. It isn’t OK I have it. I am working through this.
Asking me how I am is a loaded question. Physically I am OK. Emotionally on some days I can be a bit of a “wreck”. The mortality aspect for me is a source of great distress at times. I realize I need to have perspective. Take one day at a time. Some days I could use a hug because even though I am adult it is scary to go to the cancer center and some days the child in me is more on the surface than the adult me. So I need to reel in the child and let the adult take hold.
Someone suggested mantras. I use one when I feel I need it. I tell myself it will be OK. It’s just a visit it’s just blood work it will be OK. That helps.
I believe all cancer patients have PTSD to some extent. I know I have it. This experience has traumatized me. Feeling sick, having symptoms, the diagnosis, the surgery, the recovery, the appointments, the blood work, the scans, the exams, the probing, going back to work, trying to regain “normalcy”, realizing there is a “new” normal, learning to live life the best you can. It is a bit much. It does get better and has gotten better. So when I am asked how I am doing it is a complex question and the answer on some days is convoluted.
At work people always ask how I am no one knows about my cancer because that is my busy but people know I was “sick”. I answer I am OK and move on because the question for me is complex. I would like to respond “ are you asking how I am physically or emotionally?”. No one has time for that. It takes too long.
My close friend asked me how I was and she and asked, “how are you really?”. In this “instant” and mostly impersonal world I am learning how the simple things, the unspoken words, the touch or hug, are often the most impacting. Cancer is teaching me to pay attention to what is around me, next to me, near by. Life is so precious don’t waste it.
How are you feeling today? How are you really? Do you need a hug? Are you feeling sad today? Is there something I can do for you right now?
Like
Helpful
HugInterested in more discussions like this? Go to the Cancer: Managing Symptoms Support Group.
Connect
Sorry, I got cut off so I'm continuing here. Sorry to bring everybody down. It'seems hard for me to accept kindness.
I hope everyone has a good week. Thanks
Thanks for responding. I applaud you for
volunteering your time to help on this group. So many amazing people; I'm really overwhelmed. It makes me very emotional.
I suffer from Complex PTSD.
I was physically and emotionally abused by my father from the age of 9 or 10 till he died when I was 17. I wasn't diagnosed till 2011. I knew I was deeply depressed and felt it was my fault. I've been in therapy for years and on medication. None of them really work. Some help for a few months then don't work anymore. I've been on just about every combination.
Getting a cancer diagnosis didn't help. I have a very close friend who has been there for me and I don't know how I would have gotten through without her. We were neighbors but she moved out of state right before Covid. She's married with two young boys and a full time job. But she's always there for me, no matter what. The abuse from my father was mental & emotional abuse. The physical abuse wasn't sexual. It was beatings. Usually with a belt.
The words were much more painful. I don't feel the slaps or the sting of the belt anymore but the words are always in my head. Everything was my fault; I was usesless, stupid, a disgrace to the family. I could not do anything right. Anything that went wrong was my fault. I was quiet, spent most of my time reading, and got straight A's in school. It didn't matter. Every night at dinner he would say I was no good, wouldn't amount to anything. He resented paying for my tuition, clothes, food etc. But mainly he summed it all up by saying if he had known what kind of child I would turn out to be he would have had me aborted. He wouldn't let up till I left the table in tears. Then he would laugh and say I was a cry baby.
Yes, I was very lucky to be referred to him.
His research is known worldwide. He runs the oral cancer center and also teaches. So he doesn't depend on surgery for his income. Even so, I was blown away when he told me not to worry. The insurance covered the hospital costs and for the diagnostics. My last surgery in November was covered because I have new insurance.
I know he wouldn't have done any less if he was not getting paid. I am amazed at the responses I've gotten since posting on here. Everyone is so kind and helpful. It means a lot, especially since I can't get out much. I've always had dogs and I miss having that loyal, loving companion. My dog died some months before Covid and since my knees had deteriorated I knew I couldn't walk a dog. I'm hoping to get one after my knee surgery. I've always had rescues. My last two were beagles and that's what I would get again. I think all dogs are emotional support animals. I hope everyone gets good news about their health in the coming week. I hope everyone has a peaceful evening. ♡♡
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionIt's great that you're working with a surgeon that you can have confidence in. Better yet, that he's essentially doing this pro bono. There still are doctors, and veterinarians, around who can do that. But theyre not in the majority, alas. Lookout forward to hearing that all went well with the surgery...
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsThanks for responding to my post! Have a great Sunday.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 Reactions@nutmeg56 How exciting to look forward to having knee surgery soon. That would certainly buoy my spirits! Your story is good to read.
I hope your day is pain-free as well.
Ginger
As someone with a Bad News Biopsy last September, and lumpectomy and kind of Good News genetic testing for risk of recurrence the following, it helps a lot to read about surviving, yet alone more than once. Cancer is indeed a wily little guy and, though part of my brain finds the science behind it fascinating, I have no desire to meet up with it again. But knowing that even that us not necessarily a visit from the Grim Reaper is very important to read.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsI am doing this for the first time and only have a phone, no computer. I wrote a few paragraphs and somehow lost them before I could post. My phone is 6 years old & breaking down so this kind of thing happens often. I was gifted a Kindle but WiFi is too expensive in New York City.
Anyway, thanks for your response. I just joined and everything I've read is so amazing and helpful. This is a great resource. Everyone is trying to help; this helped me, maybe it can work for you. I'm so glad I found this forum. I have severe bone on bone arthritis in both knees. No cartilage at all. Been this way for several years. I couldn't pay for surgery and government insurance has very few specialists. The orthopedists I saw were awful. I was afraid I would be worse off post surgery. I walk with a cane and also need someone to steady me. So I don't get out much. My insurance situation changed recently and I hope to have knee replacement surgery in the next month or so. It will
be life changing.
My surgeon referred me to the head of Orthopedics and he will do the surgery. I am so very grateful.
I'm sorry for going on about this.
I've had 3 operations on my tongue. Lesions keeps coming back in the same spot. I thought after the last surgery in November it would not come back. But within a month it was back. Very frustrating; makes me feel hopeless.
I remind my myself that many people have it a lot worse. Anyone who wants to talk please respond to this. I want to listen. Sometimes good things happen. I never expected to get referred to a top surgeon that treated me even though he doesn't accept the insurance. Operated twice; told me not to worry about his fee. I never felt I was treated differently
than any other patient. I found out I'm not the only one he has treated for free.
I never imagined there were doctors like him.
I'm blessed.
I hope everyone reading this has a good, pain-free day. ♡
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 Reaction@nutmeg56 When we have a diagnosis that makes us feel unstable and emotionally leaves us drained, it's the little things that mean so much, don't you agree?
All through Covid-19, my oncologist kept a safe distance, fist bumps at best. Imagine my surprise and delight when he gave me quick hug last week! The sought-after words and a connection can indeed make a difference. Is there a support group through your cancer center or in your area that can provide you needed interaction?
Ginger
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsThis is so very true. I was diagnosed with oral cancer 10/2020. Three operations so far. When I first found out I cried. My dr. was kind, said "I know this is devastating". But now I feel he doesn't see the emotional side. The worry & fear. I had a lot of anxiety before the first surgery and after talking about it a few times he said I should speak to a therapist. I was doing that already. I thought I could tell him how nervous I was; I wanted empathy. Just to let me know he understands. Even a pat on the arm and saying I'm going to do everything I can. That would make a big difference. I know he is doing everything he can; but hearing the words can make a difference when you're so frightened.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
3 Reactions