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Emotional health after cancer: How are you doing really?
It struck me after my recent appointment with my oncologist how less focus is put on the emotional aspect of a cancer patient. I go to clinic I am checked in. I am asked in passing how I feel. Mostly I just say I am OK. It’s all routine. I saw my doctor he examined me we discussed the plan of action for my scans blood work. When a cancer patient is asked a how they feel often it’s “medical”. How do you “physically”feel.
Now that I am a “routine” patient at my cancer center no one stops to ask how I am “emotionally”. Don’t get me wrong there are people you can talk to. I feel things become so routine and some days I feel less emotionally “fit” than others. I never like going to the cancer center it stresses me. I am better about it but it is still a source of “depression “ and anxiety for me. When I feel this way I need routine. On my most recent visit I was given an “wrist band” to wear. I felt “branded”. Not only do I have to hold on to the appointment reminder “disc” now I am given an wrist band. It bothered me. So if you are a patient you can easily be identified by the disc and now and a wrist band. That my sound nit picky but I notice everything. If it bothers me it must bother other people as well. What would be good would be a place for patients, all patients, just patients to check in.
Ask us how we are today. Ask how we are coping. Ask care givers who bring in patients how they are coping. They should have “therapy” dogs on patrol. I love dogs and I know that would comfort me. It would take away some of the anxiety I feel each time I go to the cancer center. I am still “new” to my cancer. It’s been 6 months since my cancer diagnosis perhaps that is why I experience so much anxiety. I haven’t “accepted “ my cancer. It isn’t OK I have it. I am working through this.
Asking me how I am is a loaded question. Physically I am OK. Emotionally on some days I can be a bit of a “wreck”. The mortality aspect for me is a source of great distress at times. I realize I need to have perspective. Take one day at a time. Some days I could use a hug because even though I am adult it is scary to go to the cancer center and some days the child in me is more on the surface than the adult me. So I need to reel in the child and let the adult take hold.
Someone suggested mantras. I use one when I feel I need it. I tell myself it will be OK. It’s just a visit it’s just blood work it will be OK. That helps.
I believe all cancer patients have PTSD to some extent. I know I have it. This experience has traumatized me. Feeling sick, having symptoms, the diagnosis, the surgery, the recovery, the appointments, the blood work, the scans, the exams, the probing, going back to work, trying to regain “normalcy”, realizing there is a “new” normal, learning to live life the best you can. It is a bit much. It does get better and has gotten better. So when I am asked how I am doing it is a complex question and the answer on some days is convoluted.
At work people always ask how I am no one knows about my cancer because that is my busy but people know I was “sick”. I answer I am OK and move on because the question for me is complex. I would like to respond “ are you asking how I am physically or emotionally?”. No one has time for that. It takes too long.
My close friend asked me how I was and she and asked, “how are you really?”. In this “instant” and mostly impersonal world I am learning how the simple things, the unspoken words, the touch or hug, are often the most impacting. Cancer is teaching me to pay attention to what is around me, next to me, near by. Life is so precious don’t waste it.
How are you feeling today? How are you really? Do you need a hug? Are you feeling sad today? Is there something I can do for you right now?
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I totally relate to emotional support being needed daily.It's like you're finished treatment and people think it's over , but it's just starting and this is the hardest part and people just leave and go about their lives , and they don't really ask anymore or give you support. These groups are amazing and I'm going to share with you A group i belong .It is called breastcancer.org. They have groups for in treatment different stages of cancer and completed treatment.You can sign up for whichever one you're at and they meet online once a week and you get to see people.They have a fantastic moderator. I suggest You try and check the site. Love and hugs to you. 💗
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5 ReactionsI had stage 0 in 2023 and just had radiation. No tamoxifen, 6mm no lymph node involvement. Did you still need to take AI’s with your breasts removed? I am wondering if I should get a double mastectomy for future worry?
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2 ReactionsI think it was Shakespeare who said "comparison is odious" and I take that to mean trouble in life is not a competition--we all suffer and do the best we can. I can sympathize with what you are feeling. Two and a half years ago I got a BC with a very dire prognosis. Well, a close friend was going through a recurrence and is now Stage 4. I'm still doing fine. I was pessimistic and she was optimistic. But here is the thing--I love her and I'd be happy for her if the roles were reversed. BC really has a huge range. I don't feel like I have everything in common with every woman who has it. But I'm guessing your friend loves and needs you--and that you are a support in any case. We don't have to have identical experiences to support and to care. Underneath your guilt there might just be an essential kindness and empathy which I'm getting from your post!
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7 ReactionsI can totally relate with everyone's comments here. But I have one more emotion -- guilt. You see, I was diagnosed with DCIS & IDC BC in Nov 2024, had my breast removed in Dec 2024, clean edges and tumor less than 8mm. Lymph Nodes clear too. So my BC experience lasted 2-3 months. My best friend has BC and it is much worse and invasive. So I don't even feel like I can say I had BC because mine was so non-eventful compared to so many women. And I struggle with all the other emotions folks indicate on this site, but then I feel like 'what right so I have to feel this way', given my BC was so 'quick'. Anyone else had a similar cancer experience and then the guilt?
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2 Reactionsi don’t know how to manage the worry. take meds and try the various suggestions. i will pray out loud, ask God to cure me. Pcp said my chart says i am cured, why didn’t anyone tell me.
i know the cancer is gone but why am i so worried about it and why can’t i relax. o want to forget about the cancer the psych says it’s not breast cancer, it’s ocd. but im not putting things in a row, im actually not doing anything much. God Bless you all. i wish i was feeling better, one day at a time can feel very bad. sometimes it can be one minute at a time.
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6 ReactionsPlease keep coming to this site, so many people here to offer support. I am blessed that my wife has gone to every treatment with me. I joined this site to find support from others in the same boat as me. Sometimes I want to say, yes I have cancer but it's not contagious. Someone once told me that they are not sure what to say to someone with cancer, I understand. I try to find laughter any where I can, it helps to make the day better. Keep posting, offering your support to others and telling your story, so many are here to support you, I wish you well on your journey. Best to all.
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8 ReactionsOh yes, I need a hug daily, but I live alone. I have a boyfriend but I know he is struggling. He wont talk about it. My first battle was 4 years ago, then on a pet scan jan 2024 it metastasized to one lymph node area btwn lungs. Several mos of keytruda, now chemo. Carboplatin/taxol 6 cycles 1xwk, 3ks then rest week. A cycle is usu 4 wks. The side effects are brutal. Digestion issues, pain, some hair loss Temporary they say. Good new last scan after cycle #3 clear but doc wants to do all 6 cycles. Havent asked prognosis yet, too scared. Like some I'm jealous of people without cancer. Hate to admit that. Yet I do have a new perspective appreciation for life. I'm sad cuz I'm alone. I'm sure my bf will leave me. I have family but they have their own lives. This is my first time in a support group chat. I try to look at the bright side. I'm home and not hospitilized. one day at a time. I pray daily thanking God for each new day. Thank you for your input...I agree people need to realize we need emotional support and love more than supplements or rest ven, I think. Hang in there all of us...no one lives a life unscathed. Our cross is just a bit heavier. Love ourselves. Nurture each other....❤
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11 ReactionsI'm truly sorry for your journey. Just know that you can deal with the outcome of your tests. Please keep reading on here, so many people who are in the same boat. When I finally went to see a doctor, I already had stage 4, in the bones prostate cancer. Almost 2 years now and I get by. I didn't have all the anxiety you are going through now wondering the what if. I do wish you the best on your journey, you can do this and you should seek support from family and friends, it is so helpful. Best to all.
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8 ReactionsI don't even have verified cancer yet and its depressing. Just the very real possibility 40% high risk each and every year was enough to throw me into a depression, lose interest in my hobbies and just ruminate over all the possible worst case scenarios my mind can conjure up. Making it worse is the fact that I'm fiercely independent and refuse to ever become a burden to anyone. I would never want my son to see any of this so Id just hide it for as long as possible and still push everyone away from the shame and the guilt of failing health. I have PIRADS 3 and 4 lesions and A.S.A.P cells suspicious as cancer yet no definitive diagnosis. The battle began the moment the doc called me after a very rapid rise in PSA 2.48 to 3.44 a .96 rise in one year. I was chasing storms in Kansas that day when I got the call. Doc said "I'm very worried you may have prostate cancer." I couldn't keep chasing I was just numb and couldn't function for a while after all that. Being faced with ones own mortality can really lead to a downward spiral.
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7 Reactions@azkidney57: Feelings like we have of loneliness, Guinea pig, invisible to “normal people”, burden to family, and the lowest priority of our oncologist seem to be a universal complaint of cancer patients. I too am searching for a way to be treated with respect. I’m not wanting others to cry with me - just look into my eyes and care that I have been chosen to wear the CANCER badge. Many people I thought were friends, act as though they could “catch it” if they actually admitted that I have cancer. Society has a lot to learn about “acceptance of cancer” and how to treat everyone with care and respect. I’m grateful for forums like this one where we are urged to “tell it like it is” regardless of how low we feel. Thank you all!
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