Connect
Done
done24 | @done24 | 1 day ago
I am so in the same state of mind as you. I'm not a cryer, I know how to get better and yet here I am. These days I'm close to tears and anger at the slightest provocation. I've always been bad tempered, but this is different. I recently went on a cruise, I don't know what kept me from jumping off my balcony. I was happy. I talked to people as I usually do, but as usual there was no connection.
My body hurts, I have osteo throughout my entire body. I just turned 70, and am partially retired. I couldn't wait for retirement. I hated my job and was so exhausted by the evil, mean spirited staff that I worked with. I got back with my x for a while, I remembered why I divorced him and ended it. I have 2 adult children that I never see, and have finally stopped beating up myself up regarding them. I work part time at a local hospice. I love the staff, and patient's families, and I think they also enjoy me. I know I'm rambling, please forgive me, I just really need to get all of this out. I keep thinking a simple accident that no one will be the wiser. I don't talk to anyone about this because when I start to talk about it, instead of listening, they tell me about themselves and then I end up listening to them and consoling them. I'm so sick of people who don't listen, and most of them I've known for years. So I'm writing this, because you can't start talking about you and never hear what I have to say. I've always been a good listener and never brought up my issues when they were talking, because they needed to speak and be heard. Now I'm tired of listening, and I find myself daydreaming and wishing that they would just shut up. I listened to my x talk for 9 hours, nine long, excruciating hours. I kept hoping he would shut up. I knew if I said anything it would start an argument that I knew I couldn't win and his dialog would just go on longer. 9 freaking hours, how does anyone talk that long. I've always been active, I was never bored because I could always find something to do, somewhere to go, but not these days. These days I just sit here, and read, or watch TV or surf the net. I had a yoga practice, meditation was easy for me. I walked 4 to 5 days a week, no matter the temperature or how bad I felt, I knew all of those things would make me feel better.
So now, I just sit here, not engaging with anyone for more than a short time, and I find that I just don't care about their issues any more. I've lost all compassion, and there is no longer empathy in my listening. I want someone to take care of my needs, listen to my story, help me with my daily living. I can't take care of them any more. I can't even take care of my sick dog without hating him. Not even the darn dog gives me any support. Aren't animals supposed to be a help and bring joy to our lives? This one doesn't. All he does is lay around and need care every minute of every day. I'm becoming mean to him, and I can't stand that I yell at him. I can't be mean to this dog, but no one wants him, he's old and requires too much medicine and care. I can't do this anymore.
I have 2 female cats that don't ask much from me, and I love them dearly, but I fear that they will eventually aggrevate me and I'll become angry with them.
I can't do this anymore. I can't live in this world where everyone I meet wants something from me. Why can't someone, just for once give me support without wanting something in return. I have nothing else to give and that makes me very sad, because I can't live this way. I just need some honest, caring help. People say they will help, but they only want to help with what they want to help with. When I was taking care of my sick parents, and sister, taking care of my 2 children, working, keeping house, and taking care of my husband's stupid ego, a friend, asked what he could do to help and when I told him what I needed the conversation stopped and no further questions asked regarding helping took place. I don't like ever asking for help, I just soldier through whatever is going on, but I just can't do that anymore. I do have a girlfriend who actually listenens, but I can't run to her all the time. She'll wear out and I don't want to lose her. I don't mean to say that I don't have good friends, but they have their own issues and they certainly don't need me compounding their struggles, and as much as I love them some just don't know how to listen with empathy, but listen with sympathy, of which I do not need. I need help, I need someone who will actually stand by me, someone who will say, "its ok that you can't do this, I will help you and still be there when you are strong," that is what I need. I can't do this anymore. I can't live this life anymore.
Like
Helpful
HugInterested in more discussions like this? Go to the Mental Health Support Group.
Connect
Dear Done24,
You’re depressed. Alarmingly so. I’m not going to tell you anything about myself. Only I know.
This isn’t the perfect forum to offer support but it’s something. I offer you my support and caring. No advice. No “I can relate “. Just honest simple love from one suffering person to another.
Reach out to me. I’ll listen.
Mery
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
4 Reactions@done24 a therapist is the only place where the focus can be only on ourselves. Do you have one? Of course if you sounded suicidal, the therapist would be obligated to hospitalize you. Your distress is, to me, alarming and out of the scope of anything an online forum can offer. We can empathize and connect by saying "been there" but a therapist is a necessity if you are feeling the way you seem to be feeling.
Please let us know if you have one or if you start with one and that you are safe. Medications may be of help as well, if you are not on any now.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don't want to offer the platitudes like "things will get better" but I do believe they can.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
5 ReactionsWhen I see u say: "I've always been a good listener and never brought up my issues when they were talking, because they needed to speak and be heard. Now I'm tired of listening, and I find myself daydreaming and wishing that they would just shut up." and the you're feeling sick of someone talking nine hrs or upset with your cats who just want to be taken care of but not Giving Back YOU anything, you feel as if you're dealt a deck of cards that are all stacked Against You.
I start my typical day with what I NEED MOST in my next 24 hrs and often in a 2-week planner (I'm 81, with a senior cat that gives me back As Much as I Give It, in its own way of affection, pure wild feline postures and growls and need to play, all on a dollar a day food and with a promise that I'll not use my universal healthcare if I can't provide it with it's vet's care)
I do miss people who I WUD Enjoy Talking With AS MUCH AS They Would do What I Talk About. This is CRUCIAL -- a talk cannot be transactional: I can't expect one to truly listen to what the other is not truly Interested in. IF I need such need fulfilled I need a Paid service, aka a therapist,
Also, We all need EVERY DAY some doze of pleasure (mine is playing Wordle for about 15 minutes, or listening to classical music) Find YOURS and nourish your soul, I'll break down if I didn't.
I also have a long-term purpose-in-life. It helps steer my days and months and gives me satisfaction that my life is being spent in ways I won't regret. I know each day that lands at my pillow-side with 24 hrs will be gone for ever. I try to spend them the best use I CAN imagine .
I wish you find balance in your life putting YOUR Needs front-and-centre.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
10 ReactionsGoogle what you want with your zip code. Contact NAMI in your area. (They offer free peer support)
Volunteer at your local animal shelter or food pantry or hospital or many other possibilities. Message with people on this site. I’ll try to answer you back as soon as possible.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
5 ReactionsI feel your pain and distress. I am concerned about what you feel about your dog. I have 2 dogs pit bills who are my legal ESAs. They are my life. Can you get an appointment with a primary care provider for a checkup and blood work? Then a psychiatrist and therapist? Have you tried 988?
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 Reaction@done24 I hope you are still coming here and seeing these responses. Your comments are concerning. It is perfectly okay to express yourself, and sometimes necessary. In this forum you are among those who have probably experienced the same feelings.
I once told my therapist, "I want to be left alone, but I do not want to be lonely." That thought seemed to resonate when I read your post. In a way, I think that is why some of us are here. We can express with those we share a common experience.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsToday I made a hard decision after receiving another email from my father apologizing saying he can do better blah blah blah. He questions me over and over in our conversations. He did this with other family members many of whom are deceased. First I told him in my reply email OK then sent another saying I had reconsiderd. He and I have had years of a communication pattern that was toxic and painful. So I said to him it was my responsibility to do this. Meaning he is free to email me but his number is blocked. We will not be talking. I did call him too so I knew he got my emails and understood. I also said there needs to be healing with this and I was responsible.Yes he falls back into previous behavior patterns. We all do.But I am working on me and I really cannot allow chaos in my life.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 Reaction@kb2014 I am sorry to hear about your issues with your father. I too had some difficulties with my parents and now they are both gone. I wish it would have gone differently in those last years but some of my decisions were based on my needs. So I get where you are coming from. I hope you and your father can take advantage of e-mail communication and keep a dialogue going. Believe me, I know it can be hard. You are showing more resilience in this than I am. Best wishes to you.
Thank you. I appreciate your comments. He will be 88 this spring. My mother passed away in 2021. I am practicing radical acceptance and the serenity prayer. He has had depression all his life.