Done

done24 | @done24 | 1 day ago
I am so in the same state of mind as you. I'm not a cryer, I know how to get better and yet here I am. These days I'm close to tears and anger at the slightest provocation. I've always been bad tempered, but this is different. I recently went on a cruise, I don't know what kept me from jumping off my balcony. I was happy. I talked to people as I usually do, but as usual there was no connection.
My body hurts, I have osteo throughout my entire body. I just turned 70, and am partially retired. I couldn't wait for retirement. I hated my job and was so exhausted by the evil, mean spirited staff that I worked with. I got back with my x for a while, I remembered why I divorced him and ended it. I have 2 adult children that I never see, and have finally stopped beating up myself up regarding them. I work part time at a local hospice. I love the staff, and patient's families, and I think they also enjoy me. I know I'm rambling, please forgive me, I just really need to get all of this out. I keep thinking a simple accident that no one will be the wiser. I don't talk to anyone about this because when I start to talk about it, instead of listening, they tell me about themselves and then I end up listening to them and consoling them. I'm so sick of people who don't listen, and most of them I've known for years. So I'm writing this, because you can't start talking about you and never hear what I have to say. I've always been a good listener and never brought up my issues when they were talking, because they needed to speak and be heard. Now I'm tired of listening, and I find myself daydreaming and wishing that they would just shut up. I listened to my x talk for 9 hours, nine long, excruciating hours. I kept hoping he would shut up. I knew if I said anything it would start an argument that I knew I couldn't win and his dialog would just go on longer. 9 freaking hours, how does anyone talk that long. I've always been active, I was never bored because I could always find something to do, somewhere to go, but not these days. These days I just sit here, and read, or watch TV or surf the net. I had a yoga practice, meditation was easy for me. I walked 4 to 5 days a week, no matter the temperature or how bad I felt, I knew all of those things would make me feel better.
So now, I just sit here, not engaging with anyone for more than a short time, and I find that I just don't care about their issues any more. I've lost all compassion, and there is no longer empathy in my listening. I want someone to take care of my needs, listen to my story, help me with my daily living. I can't take care of them any more. I can't even take care of my sick dog without hating him. Not even the darn dog gives me any support. Aren't animals supposed to be a help and bring joy to our lives? This one doesn't. All he does is lay around and need care every minute of every day. I'm becoming mean to him, and I can't stand that I yell at him. I can't be mean to this dog, but no one wants him, he's old and requires too much medicine and care. I can't do this anymore.
I have 2 female cats that don't ask much from me, and I love them dearly, but I fear that they will eventually aggrevate me and I'll become angry with them.
I can't do this anymore. I can't live in this world where everyone I meet wants something from me. Why can't someone, just for once give me support without wanting something in return. I have nothing else to give and that makes me very sad, because I can't live this way. I just need some honest, caring help. People say they will help, but they only want to help with what they want to help with. When I was taking care of my sick parents, and sister, taking care of my 2 children, working, keeping house, and taking care of my husband's stupid ego, a friend, asked what he could do to help and when I told him what I needed the conversation stopped and no further questions asked regarding helping took place. I don't like ever asking for help, I just soldier through whatever is going on, but I just can't do that anymore. I do have a girlfriend who actually listenens, but I can't run to her all the time. She'll wear out and I don't want to lose her. I don't mean to say that I don't have good friends, but they have their own issues and they certainly don't need me compounding their struggles, and as much as I love them some just don't know how to listen with empathy, but listen with sympathy, of which I do not need. I need help, I need someone who will actually stand by me, someone who will say, "its ok that you can't do this, I will help you and still be there when you are strong," that is what I need. I can't do this anymore. I can't live this life anymore.