Can’t find help; at a total loss

1k194, Precious lady, bless you. Life is worth living. There is nobody else like you in this world. The world needs you, your family needs you and you are loved greatly. I don't want you to tell me this but if you could pinpoint the one thing that is bothering you the most, what is it? What do you personally think is wrong? Go from there. I know medical expenses can be great. A lot of places will let you make monthly installments. Sounds like you have been to some doctors that simply do not listen....I've had a few of those myself. The medical field is overwhelmed right now due to Covid, doctor & nurse shortage, etcs., Write out the list of things bothering you and have them in your hand when you go to a specialist or whomever. You are valuable. I am praying for you. God loves you and I do too!

@1k194 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. You’ve come to the right place to get support. You can already see that @covidstinks2023 is providing you with a supportive and encouraging message. That’s what we do here. Sometimes we have suggestions based on our own personal experiences. Sometimes we suggest another medical opinion however it appears that you have done this many times. We aren’t medical professionals here on Connect however our membership has a wealth of experience to support one another.

Have your doctors provided any diagnoses or clues? Have they explained that when a person has chronic physical pain that it can affect a person’s emotional state? The more pain a person feels the more depressed they can become and then as the depression takes hold the pain feels worse. It’s a terrible cycle of depressed mood and pain and the cycle has to be « broken » in order to experience a turnaround. The treatment could take many forms and I’m thinking that a medical provider who specializes in functional medicine and/or integrative medicine is in the best position to understand the different facets of what contributes to physical pain and depressed mood. Providers who specialize in function and/or integrative medicine can be challenging to find. Here are some websites that could be helpful to you:

The Institute for Functional Medicine
— https://www.ifm.org/find-a-practitioner/

Integrative Medicine at Mayo Clinic
— https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/complementary-alternative-medicine/about/pac-20393581

You didn’t mention the physical problems you’ve had over the years and you did mention the mental and emotional. I can relate to the latter. I can remember feeling depressed and anxious far back into adolescence although I didn’t know what it was at the time. When those symptoms have come up as an adult, like you, I have felt guilty for how I felt and how my mental state affected my loved ones. It took me many years to disentangle what I felt and how this affected my relationships. And the years allowed me to learn ways to cope that worked for me as well as knowing the depression would not last forever as I thought when I was very young.

Life is precious and I’m thinking that your loved ones feel blessed that you are here in their lives.

Do you see a mental health provider? How are you feeling today?

Sounds like could use a break for starters. I know easy to say hard to do. Do have family members who could help. I have to agree with the other person. You need to figure out what is the worst going to the least,and rate each of them. Find good Dr. You have to be your own advocate now days. Peace.

@1k194 I can relate to your story, I wish I had better answers for you. I really don’t have any except to keep trying to get something turned around.
Caring for our families is hard, sometimes it is really, really hard.
I spent my years from puberty until my 30s trying to figure out why I had pain with almost every step. No one had answers, therefore it must be in my head.
Which of course by the time someone figured out my insides were tangled, it was very much in my head. Lol
Zoloft and abdominal surgery changed my entire outlook on life. I am so glad that I persevered through this hardship. I do hope you can pinpoint one thing and start pushing for an answer, then on to the next thing.
Please don’t give up on yourself, the world and your family need more caring individuals, not less of them.
Do you have a primary doctor you can just go in and say “please help me figure out something”? Do you have a friend who can go with you and try to keep that appointment on the rails?

@1k194
I'm just echoing all that have responded and I can't add much new. You have received some great info for avenues of help.
One of the most important things is that you stop feeling bad about YOU and that you are not enough..you have an impossible workload, way too much for any person. Do not feel inadequate or guilty because you can't do the work or four people, be the wifey with the crisp apron on and dinner ready, as well as be a Mom. My goodness, I would have put in two days and fallen on my face.
I've lived ups and downs and had to learn boundaries and limits....and that I was an OK person, not bad at all. Please believe in you.💞

Thank you all very much for the support, hugs and suggestions!

To covidstinks2023:
I have a theory on what is “wrong” with me (medically speaking; the total list is another story…). I’ve come to the conclusion through years of research of my symptoms. I’ve considered many theories but the current one would explain everything. Unfortunately, it’s one of those things that many people, including some medical professionals, don’t believe even exists. I have a list of symptoms, most to least, that I’ve gone over with medical staff. No one seems to listen/care/take me seriously/etc. I’m not sure, but they say the same unhelpful things, do the same inconclusive tests and then just drop the ball; never pursuing things further. I trust our pets’ vet more than any human doctor I’ve ever met. I’m in the same boat trying to get help for both my parents. They both have serious health issues and we can’t find doctors who seem to care/know what they’re doing. Thank you for your kind words.

To Helen:
Thank you for your kindness and the links; I will check them out. I certainly think depression is part of the problem; I have self loathed since I was in the earliest grades of elementary. I am, however, frustrated with the doctors always landing on that and then not pursuing further. I know there is a physical cause for my symptoms, at least some of them. I have close female relatives who have a lot of the same symptoms. I’ve tried antidepressants, unfortunately none of them worked. Today, I am pretty tired and overwhelmed. It’s my day off from caring for my parents and I am overwhelmed with all I have to catch up on at home :-/

To Jeff:
I soooooo need a break! A real break. Not a day at home amongst all the dozens of things that need done. I’m a homebody; I’d rather be home than anywhere else, unfortunately, I can’t relax when that’s also where I work. And boy do I know about having to be your own advocate! I’ve been livid with the healthcare field lately with trying to help my parents get the care they need. I can’t believe how complicated they make everything and how few of the so called professionals seem to care about their patients.

To Chris:
Yes, caregiving is exhausting; physically, mentally and emotionally. I’ve been a caregiver pretty much my whole life. Starting at about 12 until now. I’m sorry you’ve had that “it’s all in your head” attitude thrown at you. Oh, that attitude makes me furious! because that’s exactly what I’ve experienced. It’s bad enough to feel so bad that it saps your will to go on and then for someone to treat you that way, especially those you go to for help…ridiculous. I’m so glad you were able to find some answers and relief 🙂

To grammy82,
Thank you so much for your kindness. Your post really resonates with me. I feel sooo inadequate! But I really do think I should do so much better 🙁 Then sometimes I get so angry because few things in my life that are upsetting/difficult/etc were anything I did or chose. I get angry when I think about all the things I feel I’ve been saddled with; things I didn’t ask for. But then I get angry with myself for feeling that way. I don’t have kids or a regular job, so why shouldn’t I be the one who picks up the slack? But then I get angry again because I think about how I’ve been doing this since I was 12, and mostly do to others’ bad decisions or stubbornness. I have so much anger, then I feel so guilty for it. My husband and I had about 2 years of a calm happy life (as long as I stayed away from my family) before my parents’ health took a sharp decline and I became caregiver again. I long for those days! When my husband and I could make plans for our life together and actually follow through with them. I feel like it took me a lifetime to get out of the dark, hopeless hole I was in before we met, and now I feel like I’m getting sucked back into it. My physical symptoms were still present during those first 2 years of marriage, but they were much less severe. For one thing, when I was exhausted or not feeling well I could just go rest. If I had looming chores, I just did them after rest. I had few things I HAD to do. I could live my life out of what I wanted to do. That was amazing! Because I’d NEVER had that before. Everything all my life was what I was told/expected to do….and that “do’s and don’ts” list was long! Now it feels like I’m back there again. I’m not sure I can do it anymore. I also get angry, especially with my family, because I feel like I am (and always have been) expected to do or put up with things that they wouldn’t do or put up with.

(Good grief what a long post :-/
Thank you for reading.

Yes....a long post but a really important one. It helps everyone understand more. You know what I hope? I hope you read it over again. You feel bad because you aren't superwoman or meeting the demand of what seems to be some selfish people who have messed up, and ...no, you don't have to put Humpty Dumpty together again. Are there any agencies or social workers you can reach out to? A big task has been tossed at you, and you are trying to do the impossible...don't measure your value by someone else's opinion and demands.
I know sometimes I speak too plainly...no, I don't know the whole story, but I can see what price you are paying. Please see what help you can get. My best💞

I have actually experienced something like this years ago and I begin taking vitamins awhile back, fell off track taking them but I have been taking them faithfully for about the last year or 2. For energy I take B12 up to 2000mg a day, also take apple cider vinegar keto gummies which helps with energy metabolism and weight loss, I take a multi vitamin for woman or everyday multi vitamin gummies, I take biotin elderberry, vitamin e and magnesium and go to work, the energy runs out by the end of shift but my job is never a slow moment, also found that writing helps, and not sure what symptoms you are experiencing but I learned that if you think positive, positive things happen you just have to find time for yourself, walk a little bit for exercise, when I exercise it does help add some energy but depression can def make you feel or seem ill, I been through depression on n off throughout my life and once I got away from the negative energy or Negative people I found myself actually able to be or find me and find happiness. I truly hope you can talk to a counselor or therapist to help you get thru this. You have your whole life a head of you and you really don't sound very happy at all, you actually sound exhausted and a lack of sleep def can cause your body to feel sluggish. Start with taking some vitamins every day, then find someone you can reach out and talk too

1st of all you should for a place that both your parents can go live in and get the help they need 2nd of all your exactly right, your caught up once again having to live that life of being expected to do EVERYTHING and your grown up and shouldn't have to worry about EVERYTHING and be EXPECTED to do EVERYTHING. That's why you feel the way you do! Go find a place for your parents to be looked after and treated as needed, you can always go and visit and for no reason do you DARE FEEL BAD because you deserve to be happy, deserve to live your life with your spouse so as soon as you do this, a great bundance of pressure will automatically be lifted off of you and you and your husband need to take a vacation for the 2 of you to find each other again 😊 I lost my mom to cancer almost 25 years ago, I wasn't in her life from age 12 all through teenage years and early adult life. I was upset with her for a serious r3ason I choose not to say but I had to put my anger aside and come back to her full blown 9 months pregnant with my 1st, her health wasn't good, but my heavens woman you deserve a life too and it's time that you do this for YOU & YOUR health, well being, and happiness. Don't listen to everyone else on their opinions as to why you shouldn't because their not there in your shoes or there helping you. So strongly suggest for you to take my advice, you have to take care of YOU before you can take care of anyone else including your parents. It all may sound harsh but it's the truth. If I were you I would do it so that they can receive and get the help they need that you cannot yourself provide that for them, but do go and visit them, they may be angry or resentful for a bit but they will realize you did the right thing for them and you.

For me I have set up my “zen” space. It can be anywhere at any time. I have found the meditation works best for me. My inner self wins all the battles this world confronts me with. I understand that everything is temporary any given enough time things will change. Change is our constant that keeps us moving forward.
Know you are blessed