Battling someone mentally

Posted by hewhowantsachange @hewhowantsachange, Nov 25, 2022

Like I have thoughts of getting in fights with this person mentally it can be physically swords or gun stuff. What's a way I can change the thoughts I'm having or talk to someone about it and get advice. I'd rather take my arguments and bring them in person instead of a mental thing. What are some of your tips? I just want better healthier relationships

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@hewhowantsachange Welcome to Connect. I applaud you for choosing your user name, "He who wants a change" here to indicate your commitment to wanting to change your thinking and better your relationships. While we don't have control of what anyone else thinks about us, we can change our approach and our response to them. Sometimes the best thing to do with confrontation is to walk away and not engage. Lots of our thinking as adults goes back to what we learned as children and if we had good role models for healthy behavior. I grew up being bullied, and that is difficult to deal with, but I am a better person because I made different choices and chose to be kind. In fact, volunteering and helping others makes me feel good which is why I am here on Connect.

During the times in my life when I was dealing with fear, I did seek help from a counselor and that really helps when you can discuss something and learn a different perspective. One mistake many people make is to assume that everyone thinks like they do, but in reality, we are all different. I had significant fear of surgery, and I had to go through some major surgery, and working through all the thought processes about WHY I was really afraid helped me resolve those issues, and I no longer fear medical procedures. Because of this, I know what is possible. What we can do as individuals is to better ourselves, and figure out our weaknesses, then work to understand why they exist, and in doing that, you learn to adapt.

We need to leave room for people to have different points of view because as much as we may not agree with someone else, they also have the right to disagree with us. As long as there is mutual respect, that's OK. Sometimes there is no right and no wrong, but there are just different points of view. It's a lot easier to admire people for their strengths and compassion and to find gratitude for things in your life. That will change a person for the better and build resilience and inner strength. That, I believe is the secret to building positive relationships and happiness. You can find it within yourself, and it doesn't come from competing with others. You don't need to try to be friends with everyone or convince people to like you. Pick and choose friends who are positive role models and make yourself into an example of people you admire for the good things they do.

Have you considered speaking with a counselor such as a psychologist?

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Hi. I have an opinion.
I know what is like "to live in your head" There was a time in my life that I was doing that. I had a disconnect of genuine communication and relationship with those I was associating with. For me, the cause was a lack of skill in knowing how to convey my thoughts and feelings verbally. In my household of family of origin growing up, we did not discuss matters in depth. So I never learned to have those kinds of conversations. As a result, I "lived in my head " As did the rest of us unless there was some acting out such as slightly slamming a door or an occasional outburst that went no further. When I was in college, I realized I was lost from the depth of relationships. New people really didn't 'know me' like my family did because I didn't relay verbal feedback from within me in interaction. So throughout college I felt alone even in a crowd and didn't know why. When I met the man I later married, I realized I had this problem of relating my inner person during our courtship. But I couldn't overcome it on my own because ➡️ I didn't know how to. I never learned that. So due to his frustration later in our marriage, I went into therapy. The therapist eventually realized I didn't have the words to identify my feelings in specific. So we started giving specific names to specific feelings. " I felt/feel "_______". Then I struggled to learn to explain correctly the " why." It goes like this:
I feel "_______" BECAUSE "________." It's not easy to do this when you never learned early in life. This is not easy for me even years later. But without this ability, I'm "locked in myself' in the world of people.
The person you are angry with may have no idea that their behavior is upsetting you. Because we can't really read other people's minds- tho we sometimes believe others should just "know" how we feel.
My concern for you is that your mental fantasies are at a high level of anger with no outlet. That's not good for you. It's not helpful in problem solving, as you know. So my opinion is to find someone with expertise in psychology, such as a counselor or religious figure, and start a process of unpacking your thoughts and feelings. You'll learn much along the way and you will learn how to identify and convey them. It'll be a better way of living effectively interacting with others. Your life will improve in every area when you develop the skill of interpersonal problem resolution in a non- aggressive verbal manner. Especially when it involves anger. You'll feel 'present' and know who you are, and others will too. And you'll avoid the risk of radically blowing up one day. If you don't have insurance or don't have a religion, you can find some free 12 step group that deals with anger or something related.
The great thing is that you've already made a start, here and now. We honor your outreach and stand with you in support. We're glad you're here. I hope you feel comfortable and continue to share.

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@hewhowantsachange Hello. I have often had thoughts that were distressing and provoked anger and anxiety that concern interactions like you described.

What has helped me the most was Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with a mental health therapist. If you aren't already working with a therapist and want to find someone who could be helpful be sure to ask if they practice with a CBT model. What does CBT do? It helps you to learn how to manage your thoughts by a Cognitive Reappraisal process, recognize the associated emotions and this in turn could help you to change your behavior. An example is whether you wish to talk to this individual in person then how would you go about it? If the upsetting interaction is living in your mind/head and interacting directly with the person is not a good option then how can you better manage those thoughts.

I copied a link for you to read about CBT.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/21208-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-cbt

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