Ashamed: I think about (and plan for) dying. Do you?

I think that sort of planning is a necessary but one time event. Make the plan and move on. Think about and enjoy still being alive.

Nine grandkids!!!! Wow!! You are so, so so lucky... How I wish I had at least one, to see them grow up and mature... I have already paid a casket made by Trappist monks, paid funeral services and I am paying my lot at a Catholic cemetery. Whether I die of cancer or not, I have everything ready and I won't be a burden to my family. Everybody should do the same. 🙂

well said. im grateful for many things especially my family 9 grandkids make me smile alot. i guess my point was when you spend so much time being scanned operated on. being diagnosed with stage 1 in one lung and the stage 3 in the other . i think thinking about dieing is part of the whole process

Jeffahuber... You were diagnosed in 2014... it is now 2021... How many things have you lived and learned during this time? How many things you are grateful for...? Stay with us. It is not to us to decide when to die... Most respectfully, LasElidas

i was first diagnosed in 2014 have been planning for death ever since

Good morning Shirley! Every day is a new beginning, isn’t it. A chance to start fresh and make changes. You’re getting a wealth of knowledge from so many of us who have faced similar physical challenges and having to ask for help. It isn’t easy!

But wow, I applaud you for sorting through what’s appropriate for your personal journey and taking the steps to get help, clear the air and perhaps mend some fences or form deeper bonds along the way.

Just remember, words are powerful. You don’t want to write anything that will burn bridges or make your daughter feel guilty. So one of the tricks I use when writing what could be an emotional letter, is to type it all out first, just as it gushes out of my mind. Stream of consciousness letters.

But then, I don’t send that one!! I take the time to edit anything that could be hurtful or laced with guilt or challenging in a passive aggressive manner. Ok there was that letter I sent to a horrible neighbor one time…that bugger was raw and unedited! Hahahaha. She had it coming… But to people I care about, I re-read it as though I was the receiving party to see how they would feel and then reconstruct the sentence to be a little milder. Keeping in mind, this isn’t for my casual correspondence with friends or relatives. Those letters are free from constraint.

So, when you write your letter keep it lighter, not maudlin or guilt laden. But it does sound like your kids don’t know or quite comprehend the level of pain you’re in or how difficult it is for you to manage your household anymore. It doesn’t mean you can’t live alone, it just means you need assistance and that’s not too much to ask of your kids. Hahah but don’t say that!!

And I’m sure you didn’t raise your kids to be self centered. I think you love them to pieces and are an amazing mom who will always be there for them, right? But as life would have it, we all age and at some point we need assistance to get some of the more challenging things done. Believe me! Look under my bed at the dust on the carpet. I used to pull the furniture from the walls twice a year. Now I can’t remember the last time. Neither my husband or I am in the position to haul furniture anymore. So…there’s that. And my daughter lives 5 hours away so relying on her for that is difficult.

Getting things ready for consignment shops together with your daughter and grandkids, wow, that is a really good suggestion from Colleen. The stories will pour out as you go through things!! Love it.

Together we can all help each other! I’m so happy you’re with us on Connect. We’re that family you can talk to without fear of them not inviting you for Thanksgiving. Hahaha.

I’ll be eager to hear how things go! Hugs!

Good morning Shirley, I really like your idea about asking for help taking things to consignment. I can tell you from experience with my busy children and siblings that the ask should come with a specific time frame and details.

For example instead of "help me sometime," phrase it more like "Would you please bring some boxes and wrapping material and come for 4 hours before X date. Is there a good day for you? I'll have [coffee, soda, wine]..."
Or "Please help me sort through my closet and take out the clothes I no longer wear and take them to the thrift shop."
Or "Do a thorough vacuuming and mopping, as I can no longer do it myself."

Also, inviting them one on one means more work and less visiting among themselves will get done, unless you want to host a "work party" and order pizza at the end...make it a real party?

Just a few ideas - maybe to get started you can make a list of tasks, one-time & weekly/monthly and prioritize.

Another thing to not discount - ask for help as a gift instead of "stuff" on gifting occasions.
Please don't give up - remind yourself that we all get to the point where we need help to keep going, and there is no shame in it.

You will be doing your grandchildren a favor by teaching them it is part of the cycle of life - when they were small, you helped care for them, now they can return the favor - and show their friend and families how this works!
Sue

Lori, after carefully thinking about what you wrote to me, I think you are so right. When my daughter had breast cancer I couldn't read her mind on what she needed but common sense told me she needed meals cooked, laundry done, general housekeeping done. With 3 little children of her own that was easy to see what she needed. But I didn't know what she needed spiritually or physically because she kept those things inside and it tore me up that she wouldn't open up. I'm not going to do that to her or my grandchildren. I'm going to do what you suggested and write the a letter. It's not just the COPD that prevents me from doing things. I have RA, severe osteoporosis, my entire lumbar spine has so many problems that it's hard to walk, stand or bend and I have scoliosis and heart disease. So I'm not healthy in so many ways. I just pray that they will open their hearts and not be so self-centered. I don't like to be so negative about them but they've been raised to be self-centered so it may take some time for them to give of themselves for someone else. Anyway, thank you so very much for your great advice I love this group because of that. When I feel like I'm lost and confused, it's you and others that seem to help me find the right path and clear so much of the confusion. I'll do my best to keep you posted on the outcome as long as it doesn't take them too long. God bless you.

Be at peace,
Shirley

Hi Colleen: Such great advice. I thought I would take it slow and easy so I asked my daughter and granddaughter about consignment places where I could take some of my things and sell them while I have the strength to do it. I thought it might get them on the road of thinking about my disease and that if I start talking about small easy things that aren't morbid, they may be more inclined to help me with those things and hopefully make it easier for them to help me later down the road with the bigger things. I don't know if that will help but I'm just trying to come up with ideas that won't scare them yet get them involved. Since we only see each other about once every week or two they don't see they don't see the real problems I face with daily chores. So asking them for help with small things like help taking things to consignment stores with me might be a start. Your thoughts? I'd really appreciate your honest opinion or any advice Thanks so very much, Colleen. God bless you.

Be at peace,
Shirley

@jimclow Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. I'm glad you found us here, and hope you have had a chance to wander through different discussion threads here in the lung cancer group.

That sounds pretty positive for the approach your drs want to take on your wife's metastasized cancer! And having you as part of her support team gives her an added benefit. I hope you will continue to post and let us know how she does,
Ginger