33 year old F, I’m so tired of living

In 1982 I was a violent crime victim. I was kidnapped and held for a time.

By 1983 and into 1984, I became profoundly suicidal.

I have been in those places where there is exactly ZERO hope.

No light there, absolutely none.

I held a knife to my wrists many times.

I held a bottle of pills to my mouth many times.

Luckily, I survived those experiences.

This much I can say...as to how I survived. Somehow I got the idea, that if I am fully in the darkness, I could just kind of "wait it out."

And that is what I did. A wave of horrible darkness would consume me. And then, I would just "go couch potato." Just lie on the couch and do nothing. Watch endless TV. Or lie in the bed until sleep grabbed me.

And, in two hours, or two days or two weeks...that wave of darkness would slowly fade away. And some light would show through.

And that is how I survived.

To some specific points.

I have been very very isolated. Back in the 80s I would frequently go several weeks without talking to a single person.

No phone calls, no visits, nothing.

As far as physical affection goes? If you can afford it, definitely get a pet. I hug my cat a ridiculous amount of time.

I am convinced that my cat thinks I am nuts.

I give her what I call "machine gun" kisses on her head....like 20 or 40 in a row, quickly.

I am pretty sure, this has convinced her that I am fully nutso.

I understand if you can't afford to care for a pet. I have had that experience as well. I did find that going to the zoo, or even just watching cute animals on You Tube did help.

I often watch nature cams...of deer, or eagles or anything. Very nice stuff there.

I have been in support groups with many many people with serious chronic illness who were utterly convinced that they would never get in a relationship. They were all wrong. Sometimes it took a bit of time, but all those people found someone eventually.

As far as your nose goes? I am sure that your perception of it is completely different than how the public views it. I became a performer. I worked with a lot of professional models...my friend, for example interview Elle McPherson. Every single professional models I met, had endless criticisms about their own appearance and also endless problems in relationships.

You are definitely selling yourself short. Very very very short.

Do not worry about your nose or any other feature. People respond to the human inside, to the personality inside. That is 99.99% of everything. Physical flaws...if you want to call them that, absolutely surrender to a nice kind person that people want to be with.

And, by the way, many celebrities, in real life, are actually kind of ugly. Springsteen is NOT a handsome man. Plain...at best. In real life...not at all what he looks like on camera. In real life, Cameron Diaz has HORRIBLE skin and does not look attractive.....at all. The list of these kinds of folks are endless. You are completely selling yourself short.

Because I was already married, when I got in support groups, folks would ask me, how I, a disabled person was able to get in and sustain a relationship. Well, bottom line? Hard work. But, it worked. And I found a wonderful person. I found a wonderful person and I am basically a kind of ogre. Amazing that anyone would have me.

And you will also. You don't believe it now, but it will happen for you.

I have been in the arts. I did stand-up comedy, I also performed in the spoken word scene. And I also played around with visual art. Photography, some collage, some drawing, some abstract work. I have thrown paint...which is a lot of fun. Nowhere near a professional visual artist, but certainly have had fun with it.

You don't need expensive materials. I have had plenty of fun with pencil and paper. Crayons can be fun to work with. Or you can buy these very cheap paint sets for kids...and knock out some work in color.

The thing is this...just start. Don't worry about step 2,178 down the road. Just knock out step one. Just draw anything...absolutely anything.

Just write a poem...about anything.

Starting reveals the next steps. You can't see them now, you just have to start walking on the road. And then the future steps reveal themselves.

Poetry Writing Prompts, from Writer's Digest
https://www.writersdigest.com/be-inspired/poetry-prompts
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Free Online Drawing Classes from Princeton University's Art Museum
https://artmuseum.princeton.edu/learn/art-making/online-drawing-classes
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In my own darkness, again, I saw ZERO hope. ZERO.

But the mind is a very very tricky thing. Can convince you that up is down. Can take a long time to wrench the demons out of the mind and focus the brain parts in a better direction.

I leave you with a couple of demented jokes...I hope it gives you a little chuckle.

99% of the lawyers, give the rest of the lawyers a bad name.

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What is the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?

- you take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

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take care...