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I'm Tired and Don't Want To Go On
Fifteen years ago I was put on very high levels of antidepressants for what now seems was transient depression brought on by terrible life style choices. Within a short period of time I became very manic. My manic behavior would destroy everything my wife and I had built. I destroyed our marriage, lost a billion dollar business and worst of all left my children without a father when I went to prison for an assault I committed during a psychotic episode.
Fifteen years latter the doctors have acknowledged that I most likely did not have Major Depressive Disorder and that the medications made me manic. Instead they say that I actually have Bipolar Disorder without mania, I just have profound depression. After doing hundreds of hours of my own research what became clear is that neither diagnosis fits.
In July I undertook the titration off of seven psych meds and seven side effect meds. My interventions are dietary changes and vigorous exercise. These two changes allowed me to, with my providers help, pretty much get off all of the meds I was on. In November I felt the best I have felt in twenty years. My physical and mental health providers were all pleased.
After Thanksgiving my sleep began to decline from seven hours a night to two hour chunks sporadically. After a couple of weeks of this I began to have panic attacks. I asked my providers to help with both and they declined. Then I got Covid and ended up in the hospital afraid I was going to try to take my own life.
To get me out of the hospital I was put on Lithium, Bupropion and Latuda. They have now added Buspar for the anxiety.
I am completely despondent. I do not believe my providers really know what's wrong with me, if anything. I have been put into a box that allows them to get reimbursed by the insurance company. Don't get me wrong I believe they care deeply about my well-being. It's just that that whole system is broken and everything is hit or miss.
After more research I have concluded that the insomnia was as a result of the testosterone replacement therapy I was on. I needed the TRT because of fifteen years of venlafaxine, which is know to decrease testosterone. That no one knew this simply adds to my despair.
I, like many of you, have fought my way through physical and sexual abuse, depression, substance abuse, numerous hospitalizations and prison. I have been prescribed more medications than I can even remember. I have had ECT, TMS and Ketamine therapy. Some how amidst all of ineffectual treatments I managed to have life. I was married for twenty years, have four beautiful children (who I have had no contact with for ten years). I built and sold a number of successful business and have worked hard to be a good citizen.
I am now faced with fighting through whatever is going on with me. I do not believe anyone knows for sure what is happening and what to do about it. It is quite possible that years of unnecessary medication has so altered my system that I will never be well. I've lost everyone and everything in my life that mattered to me. I exist moment to moment because I do not have a gun and as a felon getting one is not so easy.
I am simply done. I do not want to live anymore. I am sixty years old and all I have to look forward to is more fighting in every area of my life. I will die, just like everyone else. I see no reason to delay it any further.
What keeps me alive is a rule I have, not to do anything that will make my situation worse. I believe the only thing worse than suicide is a failed suicide. That said I would welcome death.
I'm just done!
Forgive me for ranting but I feel so completely alone.
I hope everyone finds the peace they deserve.
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It looks you have answered the question "If the struggle is this hard, for what am I struggling?" when you say, “I am looking for my WHY.”
It also seems all your life you’ve worked hard, “I built and sold a number of successful business and have worked hard to be a good citizen.”
But as I read and read again and again your posts, I kept asking: But where is the Pleasure?
You talk of ‘fight’ yet the impulse, the first primordial prodding to live as I understand does Not come from a sense of ‘responsibility’ or ‘achieving’ but from the pull of the unknown (curiosity) and wonder of life itself. This is what I believe directs the newborn – to open its eyes and move its limbs and one day it is rolling on the ground and then strains to stand up and soon is a running and jumping and climbing and laughing being. Yes some call us Homo Laughing. Indeed humans have been known as not just Homo Luden, the playing ones, but the playing species who laughs. Think about it. Could it be Vital for being human?
I think Nietzsche would fully agree. Part of his ‘why of life’ is to connect with the restoring power of playfulness, which is the antidote of depression, a hallmark of the modern life – the ancients probably were too busy hunting foraging and making a safe place to rest and sleep.
But as I was waking up, mulling over your posts, I asked: But why can’t the depressed be friends to Each Other? Or, is it not because they are not ‘friends’ to themselves? That we do not accept ourselves as ‘Good Enough’ to approach another person? (Recall you Did feel good when someone remarked on Your progress. Could he, too, be looking to speak with a fallen human about mutual interests?)
And if that’s true then, ‘What do you find attractive in a potential friend that you, too, have?
I’ll start with knowing we are Flawed. Accepting our flaws (aka, vulnerability) is the first step toward a Sincere Friend. (Actually there is no such thing as insincere ‘friend.’)
Dfb, the abyss we are in has its charm too. Let’s step into its welcoming wilderness with our innocence.
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9 ReactionsI suggest you check out the website for your nearest chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). They offer a lot of free resources, including online and in person support groups with others dealing with mental health issues. Another group to check out is DBSA, a depression and bipolar disorder support group.
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9 ReactionsPerhaps you need someone to talk to ? I am so sorry for what you're going through.
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3 ReactionsIndeed. Nothing helps more than the compassion of another suffering soul.
Thank you for your kind words.
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6 ReactionsI am here and can listen. 🙂 the snow and cold has a lot of people hold-up in their homes right now. I am one of them. I often feel the way that you do... frustrated with trying different medications, feeling like nothing works and wondering how do I continue and why do I continue? I don't even want to get out of bed most of the time!
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6 ReactionsIt’s cold here too and getting colder next week. I have a doctor appointment that I can’t miss. I’m afraid of the potential for snow!
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2 ReactionsStay warm and safe. I hope all goes well at your Dr. Appt. Positive thoughts! 🙂
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1 ReactionJust wishing you a good day! 🙂
That's so helpful... I can use that information,too, do thank you!
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1 ReactionI have followed your posts and have been cheering for you—the commitment and perseverance in your research and titrating off all those meds—so inspiring! It gave me such hope for myself and others in my life with mental illness. Please don’t let this setback be the reason for giving up. One of my favorite quotes highlights your journey…”we cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust the sails.” Just keep on exploring, learning and adjusting. We are pulling for you!
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