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I'm Tired and Don't Want To Go On
Fifteen years ago I was put on very high levels of antidepressants for what now seems was transient depression brought on by terrible life style choices. Within a short period of time I became very manic. My manic behavior would destroy everything my wife and I had built. I destroyed our marriage, lost a billion dollar business and worst of all left my children without a father when I went to prison for an assault I committed during a psychotic episode.
Fifteen years latter the doctors have acknowledged that I most likely did not have Major Depressive Disorder and that the medications made me manic. Instead they say that I actually have Bipolar Disorder without mania, I just have profound depression. After doing hundreds of hours of my own research what became clear is that neither diagnosis fits.
In July I undertook the titration off of seven psych meds and seven side effect meds. My interventions are dietary changes and vigorous exercise. These two changes allowed me to, with my providers help, pretty much get off all of the meds I was on. In November I felt the best I have felt in twenty years. My physical and mental health providers were all pleased.
After Thanksgiving my sleep began to decline from seven hours a night to two hour chunks sporadically. After a couple of weeks of this I began to have panic attacks. I asked my providers to help with both and they declined. Then I got Covid and ended up in the hospital afraid I was going to try to take my own life.
To get me out of the hospital I was put on Lithium, Bupropion and Latuda. They have now added Buspar for the anxiety.
I am completely despondent. I do not believe my providers really know what's wrong with me, if anything. I have been put into a box that allows them to get reimbursed by the insurance company. Don't get me wrong I believe they care deeply about my well-being. It's just that that whole system is broken and everything is hit or miss.
After more research I have concluded that the insomnia was as a result of the testosterone replacement therapy I was on. I needed the TRT because of fifteen years of venlafaxine, which is know to decrease testosterone. That no one knew this simply adds to my despair.
I, like many of you, have fought my way through physical and sexual abuse, depression, substance abuse, numerous hospitalizations and prison. I have been prescribed more medications than I can even remember. I have had ECT, TMS and Ketamine therapy. Some how amidst all of ineffectual treatments I managed to have life. I was married for twenty years, have four beautiful children (who I have had no contact with for ten years). I built and sold a number of successful business and have worked hard to be a good citizen.
I am now faced with fighting through whatever is going on with me. I do not believe anyone knows for sure what is happening and what to do about it. It is quite possible that years of unnecessary medication has so altered my system that I will never be well. I've lost everyone and everything in my life that mattered to me. I exist moment to moment because I do not have a gun and as a felon getting one is not so easy.
I am simply done. I do not want to live anymore. I am sixty years old and all I have to look forward to is more fighting in every area of my life. I will die, just like everyone else. I see no reason to delay it any further.
What keeps me alive is a rule I have, not to do anything that will make my situation worse. I believe the only thing worse than suicide is a failed suicide. That said I would welcome death.
I'm just done!
Forgive me for ranting but I feel so completely alone.
I hope everyone finds the peace they deserve.
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@dfb, I'm struggling to find the right words to reply to you. They're not easy to find and I fear sounding glib or offering platitudes that don't help. But I want you to know that I'm here and I'm listening.
As I continue to re-read your post and gather my thoughts, I encourage you to go to your profile and read comments that you have written to others. Here are just a couple of examples:
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/comment/980870/
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/comment/983982/
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/comment/983283/
Your posts are open, honest and encouraging.
See this reply from Susan about how much you help https://connect.mayoclinic.org/comment/968519/
I'm going to call on members like @jimhd and @gingerw who are masters with words and who get it. Together with other members, we can sit around the virtual kitchen table with you to share words or just listen.
dfb, I hope you're able to read your own words and recognize that you're not done giving yet. It's time for self kindness.
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7 ReactionsI’m not a professional, but it seems that you from your own words have decided that you will continue to live. That’s a positive thing. You report how things have changed with you over time, so that indicates time and opportunity for positive change and more opportunity for you and your improved health. Four children is certainly a blessing and I can tell by your posts they are your priority.
To me, 60 is young. I think that age is where we can become at ease and not be so hard on ourselves. People who are sick, have no reason to apologize. We take responsibility for our acceptance of treatment, but blame serves no purpose, imo. I guess my question is what if things turn around tomorrow? They could and often do. I wish you improved health and brighter days ahead. Take care.
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4 Reactions@dfb I have followed your journey through your posts, and marveled at the resilience and strength you've shown. You have been a guidepost to many, and even more who have not responded here, but nod their heads in relief and understanding.
Sometimes the battles we face seem so insurmountable. Be they physical, emotional, or mental. And when it is a combination of one or more, it feels like the world is against us. And when we feel we are against ourselves, well, it magnifies even more. Don't you agree?
Putting your current thoughts and situation down into words, and showing your vulnerability, is a step back to better health. My heart aches for the position you find yourself in. Will you sit down and think about all you have been through, all you have recovered from, and consider ways you can move forward?
Ginger
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5 ReactionsThank you Colleen.
dfb, I hope it helps that Colleen put it so well - recognize that you're not done giving yet. And with giving comes receiving...not simple, but probable.
I look forward to your posts, I read them all entirely, and have found validation and a feeling of continuity in your words.
What would give you purpose at this time, if you don't feel it?...which I can relate to. Where might you find others - like the many of us here online with MayoClinicConnect - maybe in person, though - that want to hear about your struggle - and in sharing that, might it not be an outlet to vent - with a supportive group - what you've taken on for so long in your search for healing?
I want you to know how much you have to share - in person - as you have here online.
Please let me/us know what you can find as an outlet - in the world around us - that may be the kind of cushion you need, and which others will in turn also benefit from.
Let me know - I want to lend my ears and mind toward softening this sharp-edged world we live in.
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4 ReactionsThank you all!
It is amazing to me the support I get from this board.
I guess I am experiencing an existential crisis: "If the struggle is this hard, for what am I struggling?"
To paraphrase Nietzsche, "a man with a why can tolerate any how"!
I'm looking for my why.
Thank you all for your support, may you live in peace!
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5 ReactionsNietzsche said it well, @dfb.
As you search for your "why," remember that a why does not need to be large or complex or profound like Nietzsche.
A why can be your children. Or (and) the people here in this online community.
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4 Reactions@dfb, I'm checking in. What made you smile today?
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1 ReactionFor all I know nothing beats talking with another trusting but flawed-as-we-all are humans.
I wanted to write more but it's qtr to 3 and I have to be on time tomrrw and my cat is actin out.
BTW Nietzsche is one who I admire most. His quote was cited by Viktor Frankl in his book Man's search for Meaning.
I'll rite more tmrrow. Take care dfb,
N.B. What Colleen writes above w/ links is what you need most
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1 ReactionNot much "makes" me smile most days. However, I do "smile" and say hello to everyone. When I look at people, everyone seems so sad. I figure a smile and hello is something positive I can add to the world.
I did have a surprise at the gym. I have been working very hard to improve my physically health. I eat a nutritious diet, exercise two hours a day, everyday, and try to get seven to eight hours of sleep each night (assuming I can sleep). Yesterday one of the fittest "dudes" in the gym walked across the gym and told me he noticed how well I was doing and that I was looking fit. Perhaps it shouldn't matter, but it did.
I have never been someone who had a lot of friends. Who wants to hang around someone who is always depressed? Someone going out of their way to talk to me is very unusually. He doesn't know how much his words mean't to me but it was a little boast that helped me get through the day.
More importantly it reminded me that maybe I can still make a difference in this world.
Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive.
May you all of us live in peace and good health.
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7 ReactionsYes, dfb, we never know how much a little comment, a smile, or holding a door for someone might mean. Back in December, the young guy who "manages" the self-check area at our big supermarket was being run ragged, yet he never failed to say something nice to each customer as they left, no matter how difficult they had been. And in our neighborhood he has to do it all in two languages.
I thanked him for his patience and great attitude, and he asked for a hug - he said nobody understood he had a hard job. Now I look for him on every trip to the store, just to sat something nice to him.
So yes, if you are still walking (or riding) around and breathing, you can make a difference! And here on Connect, when someone is having a hard time, you can always offer a sympathetic ear and a virtual hug. That is what got me through 2020, locked away in my house.
Sue
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