Memory loss causing marital problems

@kimkeith
Both my attention span and memory have really taken a beating from anesthesia and meds the past 10 years to the point I find myself drifting during conversations and have trouble remembering conversations and tasks/appointments so I understand. I used to have a great memory, but now I know if I don't write it down, it's not happening. But I have to write myself detailed notes, because just a keyword will be too cryptic later and I won't know what I meant. If you need to make a vet appointment for the dog, write that out instead of "dog" thinking that one word will jog your memory.

Like others have mentioned, I always put my keys and purse (sunglasses in purse) in the same place every time. That's the first thing I do when I walk in the door. Don't set them anywhere else for even a second. I keep my phone with me and keep the volume on so if I do set it somewhere odd in the house, I can call from my landline and find it.

Others have suggested detailed task lists, app, reminders. I agree. I don't know if you use Excel, but I keep track of everything I have to do there. I love Excel because I can sort by date, search key words, etc. I also have a tab for everything I need to track. I have one tab that is just for random notes. On that tab, I'll note if I had lunch with a friend and the highlights of what we talked about, the vacation they went on or have scheduled, the new dog, whatever I need to remember for our next conversation then review it before our next conversation.

I have a tab just to note cards/gifts I send and receive and the date. That way I don't send twice, think I forgot and I can reference who gave me something when I can no longer remember. All birthdays are on my task list. My Excel list can list a warranty that is up in 2 years or a colonoscopy that is due in 5 years. I just sort by date.

I have a separate tab for medical appointments so I can recap what I discussed with the doctor. I can sort the Excel page so that all appointments with Dr. Smith line up (one column is for the the doctor's last name) making it easy to review everything we've talked about so I don't repeat myself at the next visit. I put everything on my task list.

People do get very frustrated when you repeat yourself or forget what they've told you so I do everything I can to prevent that. If you forget what they told you, they think you don't care enough to remember, but that's not true. The memory loss is not our fault or theirs. We just have to move to plan B -- artificial memory.

I originally used notepads, but then I found myself writing the same things over and over each day. In Excel, if I don't get to a task today, I just change the "to do" date and re-sort. That way I don't have to rewrite the details. For things I have to do every day like take my meds, I just change the date to tomorrow once I've taken my meds today and I'm all set. I always make sure I check my Excel task list every morning and don't assume I remember what's on it. If there is something really urgent that I need to do the minute I wake up like "don't eat or drink before my lab test this morning" then I paste a huge note on my bathroom mirror right where my face reflection would be.

Notes I might have for today's tasks:
Set alarm for 8:00 for lab appt tomorrow
Mail card for John's birthday
Call Jane to see if she's feeling better
Set up lunch date with Jill
Schedule oil change
Appt with Dr. Smith 10:00. Check phone list of questions. Park on 3rd floor of parking structure. Get parking ticket validated.

I also use my notes feature in my phone for shopping lists, things to discuss with doctors at the next appt, etc. I just have one note page for each. So for shopping, I jot something down in my phone the minute I think of it throughout the day. That way when I'm at the store, I always have the list with me. For doctors, I have a separate note for each specialist and just add to it should a new symptom or question come up that I want to discuss next time I'm at that office. Since I always have my phone next to me, this works great for adding to my notes throughout the day. Then at the visit, I just have to open the phone note for Dr. Smith.

I also have a separate Excel tab titled, "Where is it?" because I know if I move something to a new location I won't remember. So it may have things like:
Moved luggage from closet to garage
Presents for grandkids are up in the top left cabinet above guest closet
New placemats in second drawer of chest in guest room

Maybe you can let your spouse know what you're doing so they know you're making an effort to remember and stay organized. Ask for suggestions. I live alone so I know it's all on me and I need to stay on top of everything. Others have been annoyed by my memory lapses that show up in conversations though so I do understand and constantly tweak my methods when needed. It's just a matter of finding the best place for you to keep task lists and notes. Write everything down in a central location so you always know where your notes are. I can't misplace my computer. If you're not techie, try a day planner so you have plenty of room to write detailed lists. Always keep it in the same place. I hope something in this note may be helpful. Best wishes. 🙂

Glad you’re cancer free! My only suggestions would be to:
eat health.
A to do list.
Sticky notes!
And I can’t stress this enough PUZZLES could be traditional or those block ones! and also MIND GAMES!
Wish you luck!

I am sorry this is causing you problems but it isn't your fault so be kind and gentle with yourself for starters. Marriage is for better and worse, sickness and health. Perhaps a reminder to your partner. Lastly have a frank discussion with your family doctor about you memory loss concerns and get some help with coping and functional strategies. Best wishes and hugs.

As suggested, get organized and make lists.
Ive had to do this as well.
In my purse are several compartments. My kardia heart instrument is always in a bag attached to the inside ring.
In one zipper are heart meds.
Another zipper has cancer meds.
Wallets are in the center zipper.
Keys are in the front zipper.
If you dont have this kind of purse, get colored zipper pouches. You can put items in your zip pouches according to kind and label them.
Then when you open your purse you're looking for Color, not items.
You can do this in your house as well.
Organization and HABIT are key.

Youre newly married, keep your own station place where your own personal important things will be there. If you develop this habit and somethings missing or often missing, privately, start taking a photo of your station when everthings in its place. If something's missing, look at your picture. Youll be able to identify and show your husband the missing object and he will know what to look for.
Your husband may have accidentally moved an item.
This way you'll know its not your mind.
When you got married, did he move into your place or yours to his or altogether new?
This is important. Adjusting to another person with different habits in their space, your space or new space can be challenging.

Lists! A written list of activities for every day. Then print them. Then check off activity each day when activity has been completed. No item too simple or frivolous. It is both comforting and satisfying to see that list checked off at end of day. (Can also be eye opening for spouse to see all that you do)

@kimkeith You said the things that are easy to forget are recent decisions. I understand and I’d like to suggest one way that will maybe help. But I wanted to mention the issue with tamoxifen. I definitely had trouble with memory of recent info when I was on 20 mg. I could recall older info and had no problem with how to do things, but my short term memory wasn’t good.

Because of constant headaches and brain fog I ended up trying a few different doses. It seemed to me to take a minimum of 7 weeks to clear the tamoxifen from my system - and I’d say I saw the most changes after 3 months, either going off or on. I did a med holiday, total 5 weeks off. I was directed to go back on the 20 mg after the holiday, in case my body would adjust better. But . . . I guess I have to be honest here . . . I couldn’t do it. I actually started taking 2.5 mg after reading DeCensi research. It was a chance, and I don’t recommend others follow my example. There is not a body of research to show that 2.5 will work - more research needs to be done. I took the 2.5 for 3 months and when the headaches and brain fog did not come back, I upped the dose to 5 mg. My survivorship provider is okay with the 5 mg. I am coming up to the 3 month mark next week on the 5 mg. So far all is okay - but I won’t be comfortable with this dose for another month or so. I do plan on taking it for the 5 recommended years.

I’m hoping that going off tamoxifen will help your memory - give it some time to fully get processed out of your body.
My comments tend to get really long, mea culpa, so I’ll post my ideas on tech supports in the next post. Maybe you won’t even need them!

As others have mentioned, supporting your memory issues with technology is a good solution. I know many people really don’t like tech but it’s becoming unavoidable, and will only become more integrated in our life's as we age. My feeling is that I need to embrace it now while I STILL have some brain cells. It needs to become as automatic as using pen and paper. It has become the way we bank, make reservations, sign up for anything, and sometimes read menus.

The simplest way it to use your phone, because it’s with you almost all the time. There are good solutions whether you have an android or Apple device. I can’t say enough, though, about what a smartwatch can do - it’s on my wrist at all times, it will vibrate or make a sound when I use the timer, it alerts me when calls or texts come in, it can send me calendar reminders, AND find my phone. I use an Apple Watch but the Google Pixel 2 is great, too.

Using tech as a solution has to become a habit. It has to be used enough so you don’t have to think through the process of how to do something. Just like we write words, like we’re comfortable finding dates on a calendar, like we remember what is in different kitchen drawers. It all becomes habit over time.

If you’re trying to capture conversation outcomes or decisions then it needs to be recorded somewhere right away, and it needs to be easily retrieved, searchable, and better yet - prod us with a reminder about it.
An old school version of writing notes on your phone would be to use a notes app, like Google Keep or Apple Notes. Create a variety of notes with headings on topics/areas that you frequently discuss or need to remember. You’ll return to each of these notes to add info, then use it as a reminder of what was discussed. It has to become a habit. It will take a bit of time to capture the idea - it’s unfortunate but if our memory can’t hold it all then we have to slow down and take the time to use an “external” memory. It’s one of those gifts that aging gives us! It took me 65 years to build up the skills I have, and now I have to use those skills to figure out how to deal with all the losses that happen with age. (And be thankful that the greatest gift of all is our love for each other, and we don’t lose that!)

If you had a note for Purchases General, kitchen, family room, yard/garden, Storage General, storage garage, With Friends, etc. you could open that note and type (or use the voice feature) and write down the latest decision. Yep, it’s annoying. But speed comes with habit.
Then if, for instance, you start thinking about the plants you wanted for the front of the house, before asking about it, look in your notes to see if you did have a note. Maybe the two of you had already decided to buy azaleas. Hopefully you’d find that comment in the yard/garden note.

If a decision is made that involves a calendar date, then it should be put right into the calendar on the phone. Then you’ll need to get comfortable with the search feature! I used to get crazy trying to find my next doctor’s appointment, which I had put on the calendar, until I started using the search feature. You do have to use a search word that is part of the calendar event name, so you need to be a little systematic when you create a calendar event. Like, you probably wouldn’t remember the word “azalea” if you put on the calendar that you’re going out Tuesday to buy them. But if your calendar event was named “Azaleas, yard” you could find it by searching for yard. I think of it as adding a tag. What tag can I add that I WILL remember when I need to search?

Sorry, this is the TLDR version (too long didn’t read). I’ll have to work on sharpening my posts!

@triciot
Acabo de leer tu comentario sobre la memoria y el tamoxifeno. He tomado hace 18 años, y durante 4 años y medio tamoxifeno .(no recuerdo el gramaje.)
Dejé de tomarlo con el permiso de mi médico porque relacionaba los terribles calambres que tenía con esa medicación. No sé si era la causa pero en su momento lo relacioné. Inclusive más tarde desarrollé neuropatía periférica de origen desconocido, y he sospechado que pueda haber una relación con ese medicamento. No se puede comprobar la relación. Solo sospecha. Lo que más me afecta es en el andar, pues no manejo bien mis piernas y he perdido parte de sensibilidad de la rodilla para abajo y creo que va avanzando. Pero gracias a Dios la parte buena de esta es que no tengo la más mínima molestia o dolor. Cuando estoy sentada o acostada ignoro mi problema.
Nunca supe ni he oído de la pérdida de memoria relacionada con el tamoxifeno
Es una sospecha o hay estudios que puedan avalar esa sospecha.?
Me gustaría saber y también saber dónde puedo ampliar los conocimientos sobre el tema.
Agradezco los comentarios que has hecho aquí. Siempre son útiles
Gracias

Mercedes Carvajal

¡Hola Mercedes!
Ha habido muchos artículos de investigación sobre el impacto que tiene el tamoxifeno en la memoria y la función cognitiva. Aquí hay uno reciente que se publicó en Frontiers of Neuroendocrinology, acceso desde los Institutos Nacionales de Salud de EE. UU.,
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7669724/#:~:text=Tamoxifen%20users%20were%20found%20to,tests%20of%20information%20processing%20speed
Es lamentable que muchos de los medicamentos que se utilizan para controlar el cáncer tengan efectos secundarios. Cada uno de nosotros tenemos que decidir qué podemos tolerar para reducir los riesgos. Parecen afectarnos a cada uno de nosotros de manera diferente. A medida que la investigación continúa realizando estudios sobre estos medicamentos y somos más capaces de resolver las diferencias individuales con la ayuda de la tecnología, podemos comprender mejor quién se beneficia de qué medicamento.

Gracias por dar respuesta a mi comentario. Un momento voy a leer el artículo que mencionas en tu mensaje. Pienso que todo medicamento o casi todos tienen consecuencias o impactos no deseados sobre nuestra salud. Pero muchas veces en la vida hay que optar indefectiblemente.. y esta sería una de esas veces. Gracias nuevamente por tu aporte.
Cuando lo lea comentaré.
Mercedes Carvajal